Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

Already up on this board Eggy!!!!!!!

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

6 minutes ago, Malcolm Robinson said:

Already up on this board Eggy!!!!!!!

One day I will read through all 62 pages, again  or use the 'search' facility!

Bet the one about simple Tommy at The Market Place club Go-as-you-please night is not in the 62 pages.

[Canny lass]

For all those, spurred on by the sight of athletes in lycra shorts and now wishing to 'get in shape' for the festive season (which will be upon us all too soon)......

Ask the dietician:

Q. Can I reduce my stomach by doing sit-ups?

A. Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle it gets bigger. Therefore, you shouldn’t do sit-ups – unless of course you’re trying to get a bigger stomach.

Q. Is swimming good for the figure?

A. Have you ever seen a slim whale?

Q. I’ve heard that sport is good for your heart and can give you a longer

life. Is it true?

A. The human heart is programmed to beat a given number of times during a lifetime. Don’t waste them on sport!! When you do sports your heart beats faster and you shorten your life. If you want to live longer take a nap.

 

Q. Should I cut down on meat?

A. Try to be logical about this. What does a cow eat? Grass. And what is grass? Vegetarian food. So, a good steak is nothing more than an efficient way to eat vegetarian food. Eat chicken and you eat sweet corn. A pork chop gives you the total recommended daily dose of vegetables!!

 

Q. Should I reduce the amount of alcohol I drink?

A. No, no, no! – just the opposite. Wines are made from fruit. Spirits are made by distilling wine (that means that they remove the excess water), so you are left with even more of the fruit – which is the healthy part! By the way, beer is made from grain and hops – in other words FIBRE.

Q. Is chocolate unhealthy?

A. Are you joking!! Cocoa beans = beans, and beans, pulses etc. are the healthiest things on earth as everybody knows.

Q. Is it important to be in good shape?

A. Round is a shape as good as any other!

 

Edited August 17, 2016 by Canny lass

[pilgrim]

it should be noted that ,muscle fibre is heavier than fat !

Eating meat is more efficient than eating grass as all the hard work has been done for you, and consider how much extra weight you would have if you had three stomachs to cope with all that grass - or like rabbits have to eat your own droppings to get the most out of the food!

Alcohol - that is predestined and an act of god - and one of the few real reasons to believe in a god. it is against every race survival instinct to think that sticking some fruit in a pot with bacteria and waiting a couple of months until it goes mouldy and then drinking it is a good idea, ergo there must have been divine intervention. 

[Canny lass]

30 minutes ago, pilgrim said:

it should be noted that ,muscle fibre is heavier than fat !

 

 ... then all i can say is that gravitational force seems to have an affinity for the lighter of the two! I haven't seen ANYTHING drooping on Usain Bolt!

[Canny lass]

34 minutes ago, pilgrim said:

Alcohol - that is predestined and an act of god - and one of the few real reasons to believe in a god. it is against every race survival instinct to think that sticking some fruit in a pot with bacteria and waiting a couple of months until it goes mouldy and then drinking it is a good idea, ergo there must have been divine intervention. 

Divine intervention there was! I have it on very good authority that Mt Ararat was not the work of he who created all, rather the result of Noah having had a good muck out on the ark. When the Ark then ran aground on this 'man-made' obstacle there was absolutely nothing there. The prospect of sitting it out waiting for the next flood made the lads grumpy so 'him upstairs' sent grape-vines and a recipe - knowing, in his infinite wisdom that the land would be very fertile. 

[Malcolm Robinson]

..........and no one heard anything more about it until Columbus discovered it!  

[Canny lass]

BEING BRITISH

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home (grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way) to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

 

NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E; in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

and finally...

In 2000, eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

3 hours ago, Canny lass said:

NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E; in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

and finally...

In 2000, eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

Just got 1 more injury to inflict and then I will have the set, apart from the 3 that result in no more adventures!

[Canny lass]

A five year old girl is usually driven to school every day by her granddad but when he had a bad cold she was driven by grandma instead.

When she came home she told her parents that the ride to school was very different when granny was driving.

“What made it so different?” her parents asked.

“Grandma and I didn’t see a single t#sser, blind b@*tard, foreign pr!ck  or w@#ker the whole of the journey”.

[Canny lass]

Hubby and I went to town to visit a shop. When we came out there was a warden writing a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said “Come on, man. Give a senior citizen a break”. He ignored us completely and kept on writing. I called him an idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn-out tyres, so my hubby called him a thickhead.

 

He finished writing the ticket and put it on the windscreen together with the first and continued writing more tickets. This went on for another twenty minutes – us calling him names and him writing more tickets.

 

Finally he finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived so we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with ‘TRUMP 2016’ stickers because we try to have a little fun each day, now that we are retired. It’s so important at our age!

[Canny lass]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer

[Canny lass]

... of course, you can add:

Non-smoker ............................................. smoulders round the edges and occasionally bursts into flames.

[Vic Patterson]

2 hours ago, Canny lass said:

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer

I think I know her.........er.... but she,s not from bedlington 

[pilgrim]

vic --- I think we have moved in the same circles - I am sure I have met her and her sisters before - eeeh the days of the willock -- lily the dredger and the fisherman's friend - names bestowed - but a heart of gold

[pilgrim]

On ‎17‎/‎08‎/‎2016 at 13:02, Canny lass said:

Divine intervention there was! I have it on very good authority that Mt Ararat was not the work of he who created all, rather the result of Noah having had a good muck out on the ark. When the Ark then ran aground on this 'man-made' obstacle there was absolutely nothing there. The prospect of sitting it out waiting for the next flood made the lads grumpy so 'him upstairs' sent grape-vines and a recipe - knowing, in his infinite wisdom that the land would be very fertile. 

that does make me reflect on the influence of alcohol on human fertility -- I believe that most of the population of Morpeth was conceived on the Harhill - where was the most fertile ground of the shire? and was it some sort of primeval rite?? so where did the populace of the shire go to generate the new generation?? lol -- that might bring in some interesting responses ....

like the lass who was pregnant and asked - what position will I be in to deliver? ans -- the same as you conceived in -- er --what in the back of a mini kicking the mirror off??

[Canny lass]

On the subject of procreation ...

In the beginning God created Adam. Adam sat and looked at the moon, the stars, the lakes, rivers, flowers, animals and everything else which God had created. God felt that Adam needed some company so he created Eve and waited for nature to take its course.

Nature did not take its course. God waited for something to happen but Adam and Eve weren’t interested in each other. One day, when Adam and Eve were pottering in the garden, God said to Adam:

“Adam, go to Eve and give her a bit of a cuddle”.

“What’s a cuddle?”, asked Adam.

When God had explained, Adam went to Eve and gave her a bit of a cuddle. When he came back, God said:

“Adam, go back to Eve and give her a kiss”.

“What’s a kiss?”, said Adam.

When God had explained, Adam went to Eve and gave her a kiss. When he came back, God said:

“Adam, go to Eve and have sex with her”.

“What’s sex?” asked Adam.

When God had explained, Adam went to Eve to have sex with her.

After a while he returned. God could see that Adam was perplexed and asked him what was wrong. Adam answered:

“What’s a headache?”

[Canny lass]

A blind man goes into a bar for gay females.  He takes a seat at the bar and says, rather loudly, to the barmaid:

“Have you heard the one about the blonde baker’s assistant?”

The whole room goes quiet and the woman on the seat next to him says:

“Before you tell that joke, there are a few things you should be aware of:

1.       The barmaid is blonde

2.       The bouncer is blonde

3.       I’m a blonde. I’m also six foot tall, weigh 80 kilos and have a black belt in karate

4.       The woman next to me is also blonde and she’s a weightlifter

5.       The woman on your left is a blonde as well. She’s a wrestler.

Think very carefully! Do you really want to tell that joke?”

 

The man thinks for a while and then replies:

“Not if I’ll have to explain it five times”.

[Canny lass]

An Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a pub and boasting about their success with women in general and their stamina in particular. By the end of the night the figures are getting quite high. They decide to have a competition, pick up two women and book into a hotel. Before going to their rooms they agree to write the result on the board in the hotel lobby.

 

The Englishman goes all out for the record but after three rounds he’s finished. He goes down to the lobby and puts three strokes on the board. Then he goes back to bed and sleeps like a log.

 

The following morning the Irishman, out of breath and with shaking knees, makes his way down the stairs and goes to the lobby. He goes to the board to write his result but when he sees the Englishmans three neat strokes he gets upset:

 

“One hundred and eleven! Sh*t! Beaten by four!”

[Canny lass]

A young priest was so nervous about his first Holy Communion service that he had difficulty finding his words and couldn’t speak properly. Prior to his second Holy Communion service the elderly Archbishop contacted him and gave him some advice about how to be more relaxed. He suggested that the young priest take a few drops of vodka in a glass of water. “You’ll notice immediately how relaxed you will feel”.

The following Sunday, the young priest took this advice and on starting the communion service he was delighted to feel at ease with himself, in particular, and the world in general. The sermon and communion went fine. The priest had no difficulties with his words and he didn’t stutter once throughout the whole service.

 The following day, he received a letter from the Archbishop:

 

“Dear father,

Next time, you should put a few drops of vodka in a glass of water - not a few drops of water in a glass of vodka! Here are some of the ‘mistakes’ I noticed during the service. Hopefully they won’t be repeated next Sunday:

 

- the small bowl at the side of the altar is not a toilet.

- try not to lean against the statue of Our lady and do not touch her in inappropriate places.

- The Commandments are 10 in number - NOT twelve. The disciples, on the other hand, were 12 - NOT seven and NONE of them were dwarfs!

-  we do not refer to Our Lord as ‘Jessie the man’.

- neither do we refer to Judas as ‘that blasted gossipmonger’ – Usama bin Laden had nothing to do with Jesus’ death.

- sinners will be sent to Hell, NOT to the Highlands

- the person who sat in the corner to the left of the altar, to whom you referred as ‘that mouldy old transvestite’, was me.

 

I hope that these ‘mistakes’ will be rectified in your next communion service.

 

Yours faithfully

The Archbishop

[Canny lass]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

[Canny lass]

An unemployed man applies for a cleaning job at Microsoft and is called for an interview. The personnel officer sets a simple test of his cleaning skills and is very pleased with the result. She tells him he’s got the job and asks him to leave his e-mail address at the reception so that she can send him the necessary employment forms to fill in. The man replies that he doesn’t have a computer, let alone an e-mail address. The PO says that as he has no e-mail address he doesn’t exist in the virtual world and therefore he can’t have the job.

Heartbroken, the man leaves the building. He has only 10 dollars in his pocket. He buys 10 kg tomatoes, sells them door to door and doubles his money. He does this several times and finally scrapes together 160 dollars. He now realizes that he could make a living selling tomatoes, so he starts very early in the morning and comes home very late at night. Almost every day he doubles his money.

Next step is to buy a little car so that he can cover a larger area and build up a bigger circle of customers. It pays off, so he buys a truck and then another. Finally he owns a whole fleet of trucks with which to serve his ever growing circle of customers. Within 5 years he owns the USA’s biggest chain of grocery stores.

He still thinks about his, and the family’s, future so he contacts an insurance broker to see what he can do about financially securing their future. They discuss various insurance plans and finally agree on what would be best for the man and his family. The broker asks him to leave his e-mail address with the secretary on the way out so that he can send some forms to fill in.

The man replies that owns neither a computer nor an e-mail address. The broker is surprised.

“That’s amazing. You’ve built up a whole empire yet you don’t have an e-mail address. Think what you could have achieved if you’d owned a computer!”

“Then, I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft”, replied the man.

 

What can we learn from this?

1. Internet is not a life-saver.

2. If you want to work for Microsoft you need an e-mail address.

3. Even without an e-mail you can still be a millionaire – if you work hard.

4. If you received this story by e-mail, you stand a greater chance of becoming a cleaner than a millionaire.

 

[Canny lass]

How the Internet Started (according to the Bible)...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder
and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will
reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on
the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all
the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It
was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on
drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads
and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to
locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

And that's the truth.

[Canny lass]

Just a quickie as I may not get time tomorrow ....

Late one evening a young girl was walked home by her boyfriend. They stand in the porch for a while doing what young couples do in porches. He’s starts to feel a bit randy and with more than a touch of self-confidence he leans his left hand against the doorpost and says. “Sweetheart, can we have sex?”

She: “Are you crazy. My parents will hear us”.

He: “Ah, go on. Who’d hear us at this time of night?”

She: “No! Please! Can you imagine if anyone should see us!”

He: “Lay off. Nobody is awake. Everybody’s sleeping”.

She: “Not a chance. It’s too risky”.

He: (more than just a bit randy by this time) “Ah, please, PLEASE. I love you so much”.

She: “No, no, no! I love you too but I just can’t”.

He: Yes you can. PLEASE?”

She:  No, no, no! I just can’t …”

He: I’m begging you …”

 

Suddenly the stair light goes on, the girl’s younger sister opens the door in her pyjamas and with a sleepy voice she says:

“Dad says you should give in and have sex with him otherwise he’ll come down and do it himself. And, for heaven’s sake tell that idiot to get his hand off the entry telephone!”

[Canny lass]

Mack and Matilda Stein had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love Mack insisted on switching off the light.  After 20 years Matilda felt this was ridiculous and she decided to break him out of this crazy habit.

One night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.  She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a
‘battery-operated pleasure device’...! Quiet, wonderful and larger than a
real one.

 

Matilda went completely ballistic. "You impotent b@stard," She screamed at Mack, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You’d better be able to explain yourself!" 

 

 Mack looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."