How To Make Some Lovely Chutney:

[Guest mrsvic]

3 lb. Marrow (or however much has grown in your garden)

A little bit of salt

1 lb. brown granulated sugar

1 lb. onions, or basically whatever fits into the plastic bags in the vegetable section before it snaps

The same amount of tomatoes as onions… or whatever your greenhouse has to offer

A couple of big spoons of ground ginger

A jar or 2 of the shredded 'lazy ginger' in a jar

A bag of 'stoned dates' (had one or two of them over the years)

A couple of big spoons of allspice

1 pint of vinegar…

Reet…

Chop up the onions, tomatoes and marrow (saving your marrow seeds for next year if they are yarkas)

Stick it all in a pan. (Don't use you mate Claire's pan, if you plan on burning things later, or you'll have to hide it from her for the next 2 years)

Make the pan hot, by putting on a cooker. Not too hot though or it could burn and Claire will not be happy.

When it goes a bit squashy, add the vinegar, spice and chop in the dates.

Oh, and the salt.

And the ginger too… divvint worry about the different in the jars of chopped stuff… hopefully you should have added enough spice that no-one will ever taste it.

If I haven't missed out anything, there should only be sugar left. Add this, stirring slowly. It should mix nice.

If everything looks totally watery, have a bit more sugar on hand to thicken it up.

Leave on a low heat until 'Holiday Showdown' or other Saturday afternoon entertainment has finished… if making on a Sunday, do not substitute this ingredient with Eastenders omnibus, as it is rubbish and just too long.

Have a look at the chutney. Is it ready?

Stir the bottom of the pan… BEWARE: it may bubble and burn your skin off. If it doesn't it isn't cooking right.

Keep rocking on chutney style until it's a bit thick. (You may need to skim off some watery stuff and have a skin graft as part of this process).

Stick it in some jars, and become popular with friends and neighbours until it is gone, and you have none left yourselves. Use the smaller, and mankier jars for the people you don't like.

Keep on loving the chutney.

The end.

[mercuryg]

You forgot 'Feed to butterflies'.....

[Guest mrsvic]

You forgot 'Feed to butterflies'.....

I wouldn't get my recipe past the BBC that way Nigel...