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Brian Cross

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Everything posted by Brian Cross

  1. Brian Cross
    Oh dear Keefy are you still on your medication ?
  2. Brian Cross
    Duz tha speak Yorkshire ? A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi us." ...................................................................................... A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "No, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!" ..................................................................................... Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then, lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?" Police have just released details of a new drug craze prevalent in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire clubgoers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.Police say the dangerous practice is called `E by gum
  3. Brian Cross
    Nice to hear from you again shybedlingtonnew(ish)bie
  4. Brian Cross
    Barry, the Aussie builder, was going through a house he had just built, with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colours to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said, "This room to be a light blue." The builder went to to the front door and yelled out "Green side up!" As he went back she said the next room was to be red. The builder again went to the front door and called out "Green side up!" Once back with her, she said "This one to be tan." And again he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up!" The lady, very curious, said "I keep telling you different colours but, you always yell "Green side up", "What do you say that for?" "Oh, don't you worry about that," said the builder, "I've got a couple of Irishmen laying turf out front."
  5. Brian Cross
    Yep definatly turd from da ruyyt
  6. Brian Cross
  7. Brian Cross
    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....
  8. Brian Cross
    Well said Keith and from me RIP Neil Armstrong .........he probably had some connections with Northumberland ?
  9. Brian Cross
    The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaza. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Jor huzban he say so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban did" Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?" "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed." Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, "And did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Señora… The gardener did." Wife: "So how much do you want ?
  10. Brian Cross
    A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia just so they can see their own doctor.
  11. Brian Cross
    Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow! That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!" Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, . . . . . . Bill had a gold urinal. That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill: "I found out who wee'd in your saxophone."
  12. Brian Cross
    The wife was screaming at her husband: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered. As he was walking out the door she yelled, "And .. I hope you die a slow and painful death!" He turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"
  13. Brian Cross
    A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.' The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.' The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's !*!@# , he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'
  14. Brian Cross
    Good one had to be a woman !
  15. Brian Cross
    The Dead Horse Theory The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses. 5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired. 7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse. 8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed. 9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance. 10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance. 11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses. 12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And, of course... 13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position
  16. Brian Cross
    A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York. The son had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on Time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."!!!
  17. Brian Cross
    They should publicly flog all vandals and put them in stocks in the market place for a weekend starting friday neet and concluding sunday neet ...............votes for and against please. and provide rotten fruit and veggies.
  18. Brian Cross
    I am with you on this one Symptoms bring back the old Monsta.
  19. Brian Cross
    Oh to be eight again! A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to "Adventure World†theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the ScreamingRoller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soft drink, and her favourite lollies, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
  20. Brian Cross
    Any chance of a pic if you pass by there one day Adam...............
  21. Brian Cross
    god bless em eh Canny Lass
  22. Brian Cross
    Same back too you 3G i'am sure
  23. Brian Cross
    When i was a kid i worked for G S Straughan filling coal bags for delivery to homes in the area, the depot was located near New Hartley colliery, does any one remember the depot i am talking about and does anything remain of the colliery and surrounds or is it all levelled now ?
  24. Brian Cross
    Sorry 3 G your new machine is not working {just like me) and i cant read any of this crap !!!
  25. Brian Cross
    The Love Dress A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me" The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner? He never heard the gunshot.
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