Brian Cross

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the grandad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy" At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . . . The little bastard's name is Kevin."

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, Was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint ya in da nude alright . but I has to at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."....................

"FATHER OF THE YEAR†A man boarded a plane with six kids. (gutsy guy!) After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ?" He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. " WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY

Hope you enjoyed the day Micky P

Not a problem Canny lass

Her hair was up in a pony tail, Her favorite dress tied with a bow. Today was Daddy's Day at school, And she couldn't wait to go. But her mummy tried to tell her, That she probably should stay home. Why the kids might not understand, If she went to school alone. But she was not afraid; She knew just what to say. What to tell her classmates Of why he wasn't there today. But still her mother worried, For her to face this day alone. And that was why once again, She tried to keep her daughter home. But the little girl went to school Eager to tell them all. About a dad she never sees A dad who never calls. There were daddies along the wall in back, For everyone to meet. Children squirming impatiently, Anxious in their seats One by one the teacher called A student from the class. To introduce their daddy, As seconds slowly passed. At last the teacher called her name, Every child turned to stare. Each of them was searching, A man who wasn't there. 'Where's her daddy at?' She heard a boy call out. 'She probably doesn't have one,' Another student dared to shout. And from somewhere near the back, She heard a daddy say, 'Looks like another deadbeat dad, Too busy to waste his day.' The words did not offend her, As she smiled up at her Mum. And looked back at her teacher, Who told her to go on. And with hands behind her back, Slowly she began to speak. And out from the mouth of a child, Came words incredibly unique. 'My Daddy couldn't be here, Because he lives so far away. But I know he wishes he could be, Since this is such a special day. And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know. All about my daddy, And how much he loves me so. He loved to tell me stories He taught me to ride my bike. He surprised me with pink roses, And taught me to fly a kite. We used to share fudge sundaes, And ice cream in a cone. And though you cannot see him. I'm not standing here alone. 'Cause my daddy's always with me, Even though we are apart I know because he told me, He'll forever be in my heart' With that, her little hand reached up, And lay across her chest. Feeling her own heartbeat, Beneath her favorite dress. And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads, Her mother stood in tears. Proudly watching her daughter, Who was wise beyond her years. For she stood up for the love Of a man not in her life. Doing what was best for her, Doing what was right. And when she dropped her hand back down, Staring straight into the crowd. She finished with a voice so soft, But its message clear and loud. 'I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star. And if he could, he'd be here, But heaven's just too far. You see, he was an Aussie soldier And died, just this, past year When a roadside bomb hit his convoy And taught, Australians to fear. But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away.' And then she closed her eyes, And saw him there that day. And to her mothers amazement, She witnessed with surprise. A room full of daddies and children, All starting to close their eyes. Who knows what they saw before them, Who knows what they felt inside. Perhaps for merely a second, They saw him at her side. 'I know you're with me Daddy,' To the silence she called out. And what happened next made believers, Of those once filled with doubt. Not one in that room could explain it, For each of their eyes had been closed. But there on the desk beside her, Was a fragrant long-stemmed rose. http://65.55.174.199...772d&oneredir=1 And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, By the love of her shining star. And given the gift of believing, That heaven is never too far.

The Penis Poem--by Willie Nelson My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring. But now I've got a full time job, To find the !*!@# ' thing. It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave. For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave. Now as old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues. To see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoes!!

Jackie felt it wasn't worth opening up for the especially for the club. that's disappointing to hear.

Swearing and bad behavior happens every where example, my son is a meat manager (butcher) at Woolworths supermarket Hervey Bay, the other day he saw a couple in the aisles badly dressed the man had no shirt on and they were both swearing he waited for a while but management did nothing to stop their bad behavior, it was embarrassing some elderly customers so he had to go up to them and ask them to leave of course he copped the onslaught of swearing and the like ..........

I have to say every time i return to Bedlington for a holiday my wife and i including our Bedlington family visit the Ridge farm for a meal, we were never disappointed with the food, the bar on the other hand was disgusting.... warm drinks no ice at times and bad service i am sorry it has closed its doors.

Have a ball on yr birthday Mate ............

Yep what canny lass said !!

Certainly a different view point to what we are getting. Wake up Australia. The amount of carbon that is produced by Australians is equivalent to a thin pencil line across a kilometre of road. The whole saga is about more tax and NOT pollution. If the Canberra TRAITORS and their bankers want more tax, then let them pay it themselves, and NOT the Australian people. It is overdue time that we stopped lavishing the privatively controlled Rothschild "Reserve" Bank which creates "money" (credit) out of nothing, which we repay with ridiculous taxes. Is this why Yanks and the rest of the world are broke? Is this why the American people are buying up guns and ammunition by the truck load? Go figure! Please read, more workers about to lose their jobs. Mr. Nolan should dissolve his company and open up 126 Pty Ltd companys. Then ensure that each truck maintains a 'Theoretical carbon level below the stipulated 25000 tonnes and pay NO TAX. Nolan's Transport For those of you who do not know, the Gatton District is located some 100k west of Brisbane, Nolan's Transport is one of the biggest employers in the area, and only last year was given the "Business of the Year" award. Now read on! Julia Gillard's Labor Party and the Greens are going to take us all down with this Carbon Tax. We, as Australians, should protest and protest until we cannot protest any more! This is a real scenario, brought on by Gillard. Nolan's Transport, which operates out of Gatton, has been earmarked as one of Gillard's 500. This Company has been going for 102 years, is still run by the family, operates 126 transports and employs 265 people. Gillard has targeted this Company as one of her 500 'guests' to pay carbon tax. Just imagine. Last year, this Company was told it put out 144,700 tonnes of carbon gas. So, 144,700 tonnes x $23 = $3,328,100.00. Yes, that is correct - 3.3 million dollars!!! Where is Australia headed if companies like this one, (and there are several much bigger than Nolan's - LinFox comes to mind) are put out of business? Our Prime Minister said there would be no extra charges on transport or fuel. What do you call 3.3 million dollars on just one operator? Any transport Company producing less than 25,000 tonnes of carbon tax pays nothing. If Nolan's goes broke or shuts down operations and another 126 replacement transports are put on the road by smaller Companies under the 25,000 tonne limit to take up the slack, then exactly the same amount of carbon gas will be produced, illustrating the futility of the whole exercise. Mr. Nolan said in an interview that if he put what the Company was worth into a bank account, he would make ten times as much in interest as he makes now, throwing 265 people out of work. We must, as citizens on Australia and tax payers - not to mention consumers of goods - somehow force Gillard and her Green and ``Independent`` cronies to an election on the issue of Carbon Tax before July this year to keep this Nation going. If we don't, this country will be ruined! This is just one scenario. What about the other 499 companies that will also be hit by this ridiculous tax? Additionally, we must not forget the other smaller companies which will fail because they depend on these larger companies which are doomed to either fold or cut back on their work-force. COME ON AUSTRALIA, THIS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. BRING THIS GOVERNMENT TO THE POLLS, TO SAVE OUR COUNTRY FROM GOING INTO POVERTY! IF THE TAX IS IMPLIMENTED IT WILL TAKE MANY YEARS TO RECOVER. DO YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY FOR YOUR FELLOW AUSTRALIANS - THINGS ARE BAD ENOUGH NOW! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Please pass on to all in your address book. A very concerned Aussie.

Perfectly

Just in mentioning our beloved P.M s nickname is JOOLIAR GILLARD.

Merlin if she meant what she said i would vote for her, having said that she has a tendency to go back on almost all of her election promises. her party is imposing a carbon tax soon that in her many election promises she openly stated would not happen here, the tax being imposed is the highest carbon tax in the world i am all for a greener place but Australian industries are at a delicate stage and if this tax is imposed they will if they can go overseas

Merlin what she was reported to have said sounds like what a majority of people think in this country,but remember two things she is a politician struggling to get as many votes as she can for her party (Labor) and there is a federal election looming

Pics please !

Hi John W....... how do you propose to raise the 5K

Subject: Instructions Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "pour some luke warm water over it." Wife texts back: "computer completely !*!@# now."

Good luck to Tino and Jackie ......i hope they make a go of it mention the forum next time you visit the deli Tess.

Have you been to Gallagher park yet Pete, i enjoyed walking through there when i was home last time.

A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine. The Hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ." ... The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

CONFESSIONAL BOX A bloke goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be". The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side"