Brian Cross

could be sing or singer or maybe singh ....i must remember to re evaluate my medication.

Is this the singing Singh we are talking about or the shopkeeping Singh from Bedlington

short and sick lol

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor,I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

i remember Bacci's well from my schooldays.

and a good butcher shop too, good days for the oval.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside... "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't likeguns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man... Whatta !*!@# are you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?" P.S Its a beautiful day here in Hervey Bay.

Our town is virtually cut of from the north and south, the supermarkets are almost out of food, milk bread included fuel supplies have run out except for essential services. but the devastation here is no where near as bad as those to the west and south west .........our Federal Govt has graciously donated 1 Million towards flood relief they are in cloud nine and not in touch with reality only a couple of weeks ago i read we had given Indonesia a cool 474.700.00 in aid ,,,,,,Brian

The Fairy & The Immigrant A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside Centrelink 'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you've just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children.' The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! 'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'. The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Vaucluse, Sydney, with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here. PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music. 'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand. I want to be Australain with Australian clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the Aussies. PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. 'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?' The fairy said. . 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to sweet f*** all like the rest of us.

LONDON LAWYER versus GLASGOW COP A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain he's had a better education than any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense. Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.' London lawyer says, 'What for?' Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.' London lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.' London lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop; that's the law, Licence and registration, please!' London lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive Double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told me LAST year. Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"! There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore!

THE HEART ATTACK A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up And says, "Mommy Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on" The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband.. Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. 'You rotten Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

does it suit me

THIS IS PRICELESS If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this! Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Yep not too bad here Mal we missed out on the worst of it but up north is a different picture.

Golf and Whisky...... An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: "How do you stay in such great physical condition?'" "I am Scottish and I am a golfer," said the old fellow: "and that is why I am in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it." "Well,' said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" "Who said my Dad died?" The doctor was amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive How old is he?" "He is 100 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither weedram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too." "Well," the doctor said, "that's great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my Grandad is dead?" Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?" "He is 118 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today" At this point the doctor was close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?"

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with "hell" and you say something with "ass". The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios". WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom shut him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

On the subject of pubs. are the dun coo and the black bull operating at the moment, my Uncle Fred Gibbon was landlord of the black bull for a years we we had good times there.

Ta mate they will be appreciated.

Whats happened to our Snowy pics this year 4G/3G/Monsta ?

All the best Pete ...........

I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!â€. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher.

Excerpt from the Diary of a Soft Southern Shandy Drinker living in God's Country this winter, the North East of England. OUR FIRST WINTER in Northumberland. Just moved to Northumberland from London and looking forward to our first winter wonderland. 22nd November It started to snow today! The first of the season, and the very first we have seen for years. The wife and I took our hot toddies out onto the porch and watched the fluffy soft snowflakes gently drift from the sky, leaving a twinkling diamond-like dusting on the trees and the lawn. It is so beautiful and peaceful here. 23rd November We awoke delighted to find a beautiful blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering the land as far as the eye can see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush is now adorned with a lovely mystical cotton wool covering, sparkling as if sent from heaven itself. 24th November Today I shovelled for the first time ever and I loved it! I cleared both our driveway and the whole of the pavement outside our house and the house next door. Later on, a snowplough came past and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver gave a big wave and smiled as he went past, I waved back and then shovelled the driveway clear again. The children next door built a snowman, with coal for its eyes and a carrot for its nose, they then had a snowball fight. A couple of snowballs just missed me and hit the car, I threw a couple back and joined in the fun. 25th November It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did the same trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish grey. 26th November Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon turned into ice as the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both cars. Fell on my a*s* in the driveway and went to casualty, luckily nothing broken! 27th November Still cold! Had another 8 inches of white !*!@# last night. Sold the wife's car the other day and bought a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and caused considerable damage to the right wing. Both the vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush... The b**t**d snowplough came by twice today! Where's the bloody shovel? 28th November More f------ snow! Not a tree or a bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and paraffin heater, which then tipped over and nearly torched the house! Managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns to my hands, and lost all of my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a f------ deer on the way to casualty and was written off. 29th November F------ white stuff keeps coming down! Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the postbox. The little b**t**ds next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that carrot so far up their a*s*s, it'll take a surgeon hours to find it! And if I ever catch the a*s*hole that drives the snowplough, I'll kick him in the boll**ks! I think the b**t**d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling. He then accelerates down the street like Michael f------ Schumacher and buries the f------ drive again! 30th November Sixteen more f------ inches of f------ snow, f------ ice, f------ sleet and God knows whatever other white !*!@# fell last night. Can't move my f------ toes, its so cold. I'm due in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick Haven't seen the sun for five weeks. Minus 20degrees, and more f------ snow forecast!!! 1st December F--- this!! We're moving back to London .

Somewhat appropriate this week???? A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault". "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied. "Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me". "Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg". "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".