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Brian Cross

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Everything posted by Brian Cross

  1. Brian Cross
    Nothing wrong with a man showing his female side v...eh Keith ?
  2. Brian Cross
    A friend of mine just started his own business. He manufactures land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
  3. Brian Cross
    After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating. As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination. "At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection" said the man. "No, but I have" replied the nurse.
  4. Brian Cross
    Luv it........
  5. Brian Cross
    Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily. "What's up Dave†asked the Landlord… "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth†"It's my four year old son…†the man replied. "Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad's just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age†said the landlord, sympathetically. " I only wish it was that†continued the customer, " but it's far worse than that. The little b*****d has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.†"Get away, that's impossible!†gasped the landlord "It's not†said the man… "the little devil stuck a pin in all my condomsâ€
  6. Brian Cross
    Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the Doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!' 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!' SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER! Life is too short.....drink more beer today
  7. Brian Cross
    Proof that Men Have Better Friends....... Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend 's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
  8. Brian Cross
    A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging Out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without Missing a beat, blurts out.... "Holy !*!@#! My girlfriend's gone, too!
  9. Brian Cross
    Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him 'Where am I'??The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back 'Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You're in that !*!@# basket'.
  10. Brian Cross
    After a evening of over drinking at his Lodge a Brother Mason died and was delivered to a local mortuary wearing his expensive, expertly tailored black suit. > The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. >The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' >The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... >She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' >To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. >'There's no charge,' she says. >'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. >'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' > > 'So I just switched the heads.' > >
  11. Brian Cross
    Poor wee Beastie .....
  12. Brian Cross
    Just had my bloody windscreen replaced on my Patrol for the second time in 3 months, bloody truck doing about 140kls thru up a rock the size of a golf ball and shattered the screen it really gave me the sheets...
  13. Brian Cross
    As you say Mr D it's never too late
  14. Brian Cross
    Fair enough Keith.
  15. Brian Cross
    Did he have any family and is their any left in Bedlington ?
  16. Brian Cross
    Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said, "No." Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?" "Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
  17. Brian Cross
    My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewellery to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house". Well she didn't actually put it like that. She said, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."
  18. Brian Cross
    This is our P.M Julia Gillard. While stitching up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard, and her being our prime minister. The old bloke said, "Well, . . . . . . Julia is just a Post Turtle." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, What's a "Post Turtle?" The old bloke said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Turtle balanced on top, that's a post Turtle." When he saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, she sure as anything isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb idiot put her up there in the first place."
  19. Brian Cross
    torpedo Looose!!
  20. Brian Cross
    Subject: Christmas Golf ! Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it. We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune. I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they've lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas. It's a great morning for either sex or golf ' . and she said ... "Take a sweater."
  21. Brian Cross
    NEIL ARMSTRONG'S SECRET In case you didn't already know this little tidbit of trivia, it might make you chuckle when you read it. ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.* BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE SPACECRAFT FOR THE RETURN JOURNEY TO EARTH , HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY". MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS. OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED. ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26- YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!" TRUE STORY.
  22. Brian Cross
    Britain is still a great country, as regards to the 1939 quote i meant it as a example of British resolve and it's not too late to rekindle pride in your nations achievements. We have similar problems in this country with illegal immigrants, our leaders seem to have no answers on keeping them out of the country until they are processed for entry into Aust legally. there has been 200 plus boats arrive on our shores in the last 12 months filled with illegal male immigrants mainly from Afghanistan.
  23. Brian Cross
    Its never to late to revive national pride, maybe Churchill and the British people should have said its too late in 1939 ?
  24. Brian Cross
    Give him a go he is the first to make a stand good on him
  25. Brian Cross
    I saw and heard the speech your PM made in Germany topic was Multiculturalism in the UK . i thought it was a brave stance taken by him, it will cause some controversy for him at home and abroad. i agree with him if new comers don't want to integrate into the population of the country they fled to they should be returned to their home country.i wish our PM took the same stance for Aust.
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