Brian Cross

same thing

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the Australian Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra . A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Yea some pics please

One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire started Inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.' But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them. Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes. The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal firefighters. A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?' 'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de first ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat farkin old truck, eh!!'

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pxxxxd Off" to "Let's get the Bxxxxxds". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides". The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case". Canada doesn't have any alert levels because everyone is high and can't be bothered. New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled" So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The First Christmas Joke - and it's Scottish.......... A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough". "Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her". Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this". She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!â€and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

TOUGH TIMES AHEAD This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar warned Australia that if military action against Iraq & Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Australia's supply of Convenience Store managers, and if this action does not yield Sufficient results, Cab Drivers will be next, followed by Telstra Customer Service Reps, Dole Office Workers, Telemarketers and finally, Queensland Doctors. THIS IS GETTING UGLY, FOLKS!!!!!!

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike!' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!' 'Jason is on his skate board! After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

Yes Yes and Yes to that Monsta.

Well done mate and good luck.

I am looking outa my compy room window now and i can't see any snow...

Well there you go they are still out there ........

Broccoli Casserole A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the !*!@# . Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'. The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longerrrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!' Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shxxts on you!' ">

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners ... the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." She looked at the men in the room,"and Gentlemen, please remember -- you're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her." The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yesâ€, answered the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?†---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught

Same here Merlin bloody do-gooders ........

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'. Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her txxs are so big she can only fasten eight.' The teacher sat down and cried.

It is sometimes normal business practice to open a new venture with more staff than would be normally required to operate it , that way you can cut out any personnel that may not make the grade,it may seem harsh but you end up with good quality people you need to run a successful pub/restaurant. I was in the hospitality industry for almost 20 years so i have some idea.

A true Bundy Rum Fishing Story BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)...Queensland's famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish! I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a King Brown (For you overseas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth) with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog. A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

British understatement at it's best The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's female poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular: 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

No Insult intended just a funny joke

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Tom had been a Public Servant for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Western Australia as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you." As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking". "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of em!... Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too" "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .. "I'll be there. Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too!... "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

I think i might order two 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday ??

Its a Bush Python and i wouldn't go near it if they paid me

Surely it can't be true........ Philippe Petain Typical French leader ?