Malcolm Robinson

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it is Wally. Again he is ready for action. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newly-weds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action. And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally." Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?" The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

Good "blog" missvic, perhaps a weekly diary might be in order?

I think the Front Street is too long in a commercial sense, it should have been shrunk years ago amassing most of the outlying retailers into a single unit, preferably the Gap Site area. The Law Courts, as retail outlets, could easily have been joined into such a unit and if needed the development carried right along up to the Netto's unit. This could have focused shopping into much smaller area and used the "free parking" available, thereby addressing what is now second nature to the shopping public. Without that what we will no doubt see now is more and more empty retail units once Tesco gets under way. The sleepy hamlet of Bedders where retailers have for too long been content to just survive is about to feel the impact of a large hungry commercial marketing giant! Things could have been so different but we have never seen anything thing like a loyalty scheme to repay customers for their patronage, the town marketed to bring punters in, or even just a hint that it is a market town in the county! In other words an integrated and cohesive strategy involving traders and council working alongside each other to benefit the commercial aspects of the Town. There is even a portal on this site which says "Special offers and discounts from qualified Bedlington traders." How many have taken that opportunity? These days it is no longer possible to amble along, a proactive stance is needed to make the town desirable to visitors from Morpeth, Ashington, Blyth and Cramlington, where by and large they each have pretty good shopping facilities and as often as not a professional to oversee it's commercial development! Most of the blame has to be laid at the feet of WDC who took the decision long ago that Ashington had to be the commercial heart of Wansbeck thereby relegating Belington to fighting for scraps! As for UBR!!! what a crock that was. As GGG said it meant retailers paying the same per square foot as any other shopping unit in the country and initially at least took no account of facilities! It was supposed to replace commercial rates and give everyone a flat platform to work from but in essence it was just another stealth tax and one which rises almost bi-annually! Instead of almost allowing WDC to set their own business rate top ups they should have been asked to explain what they were doing to enhance local businesses paying what they were paying never mind putting charges on top! It is the only overhead businesses have no control over and having to pay rise after rise no wonder there are so many charity shops! WDC always said business rates had nothing to do with them they only collected it for central government and literally they were right, but the money coming back from government to them is made up from the pots of business rates and income tax, both pots paid into by local businesses, so when you hear councilors saying they wish there were no businesses in the town as they get nothing from them you can only wonder what planet they are on!

96/97 ahh yes GGG heady days! That was when we tried to convince WDC that this Internet thingy would be an ideal tool to promote and use to develop Bedders, remember! Course their answer was a resounding “No, you cannot have the web site address on road signs or advertise it on roundabouts or put up a sign on the perimeter of the town, etc..” Short sighted, if only they had been that forward looking!

Try it if you are brave enough.......... http://www.shibumi.org/eoti.htm

I was just wondering what would have happened if the roles had been reversed? If the teacher was a Sudenise and the child wanting to call his teddy M..... English? Death chants for the child? Also shouldn't it be the inciters who carry the blame, ie, a classroom of kids! How come it is OK to call a child M.....but not a teddy bear anyway? I don't know anyone called Jesus Christ but I have heard a lot of people shouting for him! The whole thing is barmy and being used by religious zelots.

Does this mean that anyone dowloading say a large tec manual or a work presentation will be stopped? Inconvient......more like disruptive! Also a bit of a bad taste in the mouth when you consider it is a government dictating what we can and cannot have access to on something like the web. Anti "whatever" gov web sites next as a way to control their opposition?

M.H. Blackburn at the moment but one day he will be in the job...

Have to say Dave I always liked him and his way of playing, I would have made him capt long before now, but of late........no more capt fantastic!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk:80/money/main.j...MC-mcn_22112007 98 million will not be repaid, wish I had an unsecured loan with them!!!!! Does this mean the NEW board might face lawsuits, what about the old board, especially the CE who reportedly cashed in a couple of million quid late last year when the shares were over 12 quid! Now come on that is insider trading if there is ever a case!

HP, any thoughts on this weekeends lottery, you must have been about spot on timing wise............

That was a dire first half, in fact the whole match was pretty gruesome as far as England is concerned! Yes the manager has to take the bulk of the blame but the players............

England to win 6-0! They HAVE to come good sometime!

The governance of the country is starting to look like a joke, from any angle. These people couldn't run a raffle! Problem is I cannot see anyone else on any of the benches with the right questions never mind answers!

Looks like this might cost Darling his job.........but if we have only seen 20% of the fallout of bad lending where is the 80%?

Happy birthday, hope you have a good one.

I see your favorite directors resigned last Friday GGG, this looks like a very good job to me, you get paid based on your own projections and then when the doo doo hits the fan you can just walk away! I would like to see director share sales for the beginning of the year! Don't you get it monsta, these things do effect you in your everyday life. The economy, politics etc it all impacts on how you are able to live your life and you need to get the information right before you can make any plans...or in this topics case maybe put in some damage limitation.

With Gov intervention now well over 20 billion this is starting to look like an illegal strategy on the BOE's behalf! Yes depositor's money should be protected, for a lot of reasons, but this is a private company and as such should suffer the same fate as any other private companies which flounder. It is going to be interesting to see, next week, just who has sent in their bids and if the BOE might get some cash back, eventually!

Belated birthday wishes!

Monsta, I don’t know if you are just winding people up or you really do relieve what you post! You say you rejoice and exult the differences between people yet you are clearly xenophobic? Approaching life in this way means you will never achieve your desired status of being a “happy bunny!”

I thought she had been involved in a car/bike crash up at Hartford? She does seem to be behaving strangley when she could have said nowt and walked away with zillions.....

And replace with what or just not replace at all? Even if you are an anarchist you would end up with a military style gov and be much worse off! It maybe fashionable to scoff, satirize and ignore politicians these days but they do make decisions which affect all of us every day! Much better to get them back into line where they actually represent our views instead of dictating the way we lead our lives.

Why not vote for someone who will make a difference rather than someone who is just there to make up party numbers, the two are not necessarilly aligned!