Canny lass

Oh dear! I'm not sure I like it when your nice to me.

Yes, really!!!

Had me laughing as well but I wasn't allowed to "give reputation".

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer and an American Police Officer? QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you. You are carrying your police issued Glock and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do? ANSWER: Australian Police Officer: Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights. 1) Does the man look poor or oppressed? 2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law? 3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger? 4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 5) Am I dressed provocatively? 6) Could I run away? 7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? 8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings? 9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? 10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society? 11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? 12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me? 13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? . 14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home? Canadian Police Officer: BANG! American Police Officer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'...Reload... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Little old lady: I’m 86 years old. Barrister: tell the court now in your own words what happened on the evening of April 1st this year. Little old lady: I was sitting on my veranda when the young man from next door came and sat down beside me. Barrister: Did you know this man? Little old lady: Only a little bit. As I said – he’s a neighbour and appears pleasant enough. Barrister: What happened after he sat down? Little old lady: he told me that he liked older women and that he thought I was very sexy. Barrister: Please tell the court what happened next. Little old lady: He started to stroke my thigh. Barrister: Did you try to stop him? Little old lady: No I didn’t. It felt so nice and nobody’s done that since my Albert passed away 30 years ago. Barrister: And then? Little old lady: He put his hand inside my blouse. Barrister: Did you try to stop him? Little old lady: No I didn’t. It made me so warm and tingly. I haven’t felt that good in years. Barrister: And then what happened? Little old lady: I felt so excited that I just lay down and said “Take me young man, take me!” Barrister: And did he …………. take you? Little old lady: Like Hell he did! He just screamed “April fool, April fool” and that’s when I shot the b@#tard!!

Grattis på födelsedagen!

Men Teaching Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By January 23, 2017 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM . Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.. Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 Curling tongs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum.. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Sent to me by a friend now somewhere in the Federal Witness Protection

In a Tottenham church Sunday morning a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one of his fingers in Leroy's ear, and then he took his other hand and placed it on top of Leroy's head; and then he prayed and prayed and eventually the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered, "I don't know. It isn’t 'til Thursday."

... and it's not only blondes who are dumb ... An elderly man marries a much younger woman and, despite the fact that they are very much in love with each other, the woman never manages to reach a climax when they make love. They seek the advice of a marriage guidance counselor and are told to hire a handsome young man to wave a handkerchief over them while they make love. The couple thinks it’s strange but they take his advice. However, despite the efforts of the handsome, young man and his hankie waving, no climax is reached. Desperate to achieve a result the husband and the young man change places. The wife and the young man get to grips and very soon the earth moves and the wife has a giant orgasm. Her husband looks on with a huge smile on his face and says: “There you go, young man. THAT is the way to wave a hankie!”

John and Mary Anderson found that the only way to have a ’quickie’ on Sunday afternoon was to send their 10 year old son onto the balcony to report on what was happening in the neighborhood. The boy started to report just as his parents started their ‘activities’. “A car is being towed away from the parking space belonging to the flats opposite. An ambulance just drove past.” A few minutes went by: "It looks like the Smiths have visitors. Mathew is riding around on his new bike and Mr & Mrs Arnold are having sex.” His parents stopped abruptly and shouted: “How can you possibly know that?” “ Their son is also on the balcony”.

... or: No Alternative Tiddle Options!

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it? 7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser. 8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp post. 9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. 16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after". 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. .... and, as if that's not bad enough: When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed. After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card. Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. Man I hate this getting older stuff.

... and it's NATO approved! The mind boggles.

Would a bit of garden hose not do the job just as well?

Well said, Moe!

One afternoon, in a packed café, an elderly woman was getting more and more annoyed at the cigarette smoke being blown in her direction by the young woman at the next table. “Young lady! I would rather commit fornication than smoke a cigarette!” “Me too”, said the young woman, but coffee-breaks are too short for that.”

What! And spoil what could be a happy ending for the mouse.

I think this is an extremely good idea! However, when I looked at the map on the 'use-our-loo' link I didn't find anything in Bedlington. Has any business joined the scheme? I was also surprised to find that most pubs shown on the map only offer this service "from November to the end of March, or Easter. whichever comes first". Bit of a shame for those of us who need to pee all year round.

Be thankful they are dead! Mine brings them home alive, and you'd think butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. I swear she doesn't say Miaow - it sounds more like Moi? I've become a dab hand at catching mice in a whisky glass.

Funny you should mention that. When I was in Sicily earlier this year I saw a group of nuns splahing about in the sea, fully clothed. They appeared to be having the time of their life, laughing and shrieking like children. ... and we all share the same world which is even more important. ... used to? Now you've just spoiled my picture of you!

Perhaps you should try this Eggy ... A woman is frying eggs for breakfast. Suddenly her hubby appears in the kitchen and screams: -Be careful! Put some more margarine in the pan! You have too many in the pan at once. TOO MANY! Turn them over! TURN THEM OVER NOW! MORE MARGARINE! They’ll stick to the pan! Be careful! I said CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! NEVER! Turn them over! Hurry up! And, don’t forget to put salt on them. You know you always forget it! Put salt on them! SALT! His wife stares at him -What’s the matter with you? Do you think I’ve never fried an egg before? Hubby replies quietly: -I just wanted you to see how it feels when I’m driving.

Very interesting, Pilgrim.

You can read a bit about it on-line at: www.masonic-lodge-of-education They mention that gaining membership can vary from place to place and in some countries you can aaproach a Lodge and request membership but in England "a man wishing to become a Free mason may be invited to join by a current member who feels that he would be an asset to the Fraternity." They say also that he "must be investigated as to his background and then balloted upon by his prospective Lodge's brethren." So. unless you're invited it doesn't look as if you'll find out much - other than on the Internet.

I'd always understood that it's not just something you pop along to and become a member. I thought you had to be recommended by a member.

Mack and Matilda Stein had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love Mack insisted on switching off the light. After 20 years Matilda felt this was ridiculous and she decided to break him out of this crazy habit. One night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a ‘battery-operated pleasure device’...! Quiet, wonderful and larger than a real one. Matilda went completely ballistic. "You impotent b@stard," She screamed at Mack, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You’d better be able to explain yourself!" Mack looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."