Canny lass

What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning? She gets up, gets dressed and goes home. When do blonde hookers get angry? When they find out that the others are charging. Why was alcohol created? So that brunettes could also have fun.

I'm not going to ask ...

Where do men go when they get up in the middle of the night? 5% go to the fridge 20% go to the toilet 75% go home

Cheeky b!

I consider myself well and truly chastised! It's not like me. I don't know what came over me!

Life should be lived backwards! Just think how that would be … The most unfair thing about life is that it always ends in death! It ought to be the other way round. We should die first, then it’s over and done with and out of the way. Then we chould have a few years in an old people’s home before being kicked out for being too young and healthy and when we start work we should get a gold watch on our very first day. Then we could work 40 odd years until we are young enough to really enjoy having a pension, drink and party, party, party! Time for infant school next - a little kid with no need for responsibilities and then on to being a baby before spending the last nine months at a spa with central heating and food deliveries. AND the whole thing would be rounded off with an orgasm!

This one's better!

This new shop, will it replace Morrisons?

Here are some handy tips about wine. First and foremost, it’s important to be able to tell the difference between red- and white wines: The easiest way to do this is to spill a drop or two on a white tablecloth. The wine that leaves a purple stain is a red wine. Real connoisseurs can tell a red from a white simply by tasting. Port wine is a wine that is served in port. If you don’t live near a port, a marina, lake or even a paddling pool will do. When you serve a dry wine, make sure that that it’s not windy, or that any of the guests are about to sneeze. In such circumstances you’ll probably get wine dust all over the room. At parties, the following tips can be useful if you think you may have drunk too much wine: Some words are difficult to say when you’ve drunk too much: - Insurmountable - Innovative - Preliminary Some words are even more difficult to say when you’ve drunk far too much wine: - Constitutional - Substantiate - Pecuniary Some words are impossible to say when you’re way over the limit: - No thanks, no more wine for me. - Thanks, but I don’t want sex. - Sorry, you’re not really my type

Google chrome for me as well.

A teacher told his class: “43% of you will not pass this next maths exam” A voice from the back of the class replied: “I don’t believe that. There are only 26 of us in the class!”

Haha! I thought you meant Bedlington when you said "local". Almost bought a plane ticket!

Worked fine. Just mark the text then choose B I or U. I think HPW's bug may have got to you now.

Just testing, as it's always worked for me.

Thanks Malcolm! Good idea.

Tell me more, Maggie!

You do realise, that with no illegal immigrants you'll have a hard job getting workers for the olive harvest. You and the missus will have to do it yourself.

That brought back memories!

What's not to like about the Olympics - apart from the opening and closing ceremonies, but they have to get money to pay for it somewhere?

... and, just to get us back on topic: A middle-aged couple are getting ready for bed. The wife, standing naked in front of a full length mirror, says: “Sweetheart, I see an old woman in the mirror. My face is wrinkled, my boobs are hanging down to my waist, and my backside is sagging a mile. I’ve got fat legs and bat wings under my arms”. Turning to her man she says: “Say something positive about me so I feel better”. “Well”, he answers, “at least there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight”.

Heaven knows how long the cornflake joke has been collecting dust on my computer, but it was written in Danish so it's probably been a while. Can't think of a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon! There are researchers who devote their life to the study of verbal insults. I've only nudged the subject but remember those few lectures (Prof. Lars Gunnar Andersson) as some of the funniest I've ever listened to. I don't hink I've ever paid so much attention in my life - which is odd considering my 'biological' defects. Swear words became a focus point for me only from a grammatical point of view, in particular their pragmatic restrictions. Have you ever noticed that certain swear words can only be used in certain situations? Listen to any immigrant's use of swear words. It's actually quite difficult to get their placement right. I had a bit of difficulty here with the 'degree' of insult (not that I'm prone to swearing - much). Insults which an Englishman would consider mild, 'go to H.-ll', for instance, are considerd the most disgusting of all here - equivalent to the Engish f-word. While the English language has gone full circle from sexual insults to religious insults and then back to sexual insults, we haven't progressed beyond the religious. However, there's great concern that this is now happening among the present generation of youngsters who are adopting the English sexual swear words - and using them in all the wrong places!

Sorry Mr Robinson! Please may we have a picture, so we know just what we've been poking fun at?

I'm so happy you can have two today! A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone and asks him if he’d like to come over and help her with a giant puzzle which she’s found. - What’s it supposed to be when it’s fineshed? he asks. - According to the picture on the box it’s a cockrel, she replies. - OK. I’ll be over in half an hour, he says. She let’s him in when he arrives and shows him all the pieces on the table. He looks at them for a while, then he looks at the box, then he says: - It doesn’t matter what we do, we’ll never be able to put the pieces together to make anything that even remotely resembles a cockrel. He takes her hand and continues: - So, let’s have a cup of tea and then we’ll put all these cornflakes back in the box.

I'm so happy, I almost forgot today's joke: The day the penis asked for a pay rise: I, the penis, herewith request a rise in pay for the following reasons. I do physical work which includes working at great depths. I’m not afraid of hard work and dive in head-first in everything I do. I work many unsocial hours, including night shift, weekends, bank- and public holidays. I also work in the dark in a very confined space with poor ventilation, damp conditions and very often high temperatures. Furthermore, my job has an ever present risk for infectious diseases. Yours faithfully P. Niss Reply: Dear P. Niss, I have read your letter and must inform you that your request can not be granted, for the following reasons: You do not work an 8 hour shift and you fall asleep directly after your few short efforts. You do not always follow management directives – preferring often to do your own thing – and neither do you keep to your own area of work. On several occasions you have been seen in other’s areas. Furthermore, you are lacking in initiative and need much motivation and encouragement if you are to get started at all. At the end of your shift you leave your place of work in a mess and you do not always respect the safety rules regarding protective clothing. You can’t manage to work a double shift and on occasions you leave your place of work before the job in hand is completed. The general consensus of opinion is that you will be on your pension before the age of 65 years. And, as if that’s not enough, you have – on several occasions – been seen to leave your place of work with two very suspicious looking sacks. Yours faithfully V. Gina

I am a very happy woman!!!