Canny lass

In a Tottenham church Sunday morning a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one of his fingers in Leroy's ear, and then he took his other hand and placed it on top of Leroy's head; and then he prayed and prayed and eventually the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered, "I don't know. It isn’t 'til Thursday."

... and it's not only blondes who are dumb ... An elderly man marries a much younger woman and, despite the fact that they are very much in love with each other, the woman never manages to reach a climax when they make love. They seek the advice of a marriage guidance counselor and are told to hire a handsome young man to wave a handkerchief over them while they make love. The couple thinks it’s strange but they take his advice. However, despite the efforts of the handsome, young man and his hankie waving, no climax is reached. Desperate to achieve a result the husband and the young man change places. The wife and the young man get to grips and very soon the earth moves and the wife has a giant orgasm. Her husband looks on with a huge smile on his face and says: “There you go, young man. THAT is the way to wave a hankie!”

John and Mary Anderson found that the only way to have a ’quickie’ on Sunday afternoon was to send their 10 year old son onto the balcony to report on what was happening in the neighborhood. The boy started to report just as his parents started their ‘activities’. “A car is being towed away from the parking space belonging to the flats opposite. An ambulance just drove past.” A few minutes went by: "It looks like the Smiths have visitors. Mathew is riding around on his new bike and Mr & Mrs Arnold are having sex.” His parents stopped abruptly and shouted: “How can you possibly know that?” “ Their son is also on the balcony”.

... or: No Alternative Tiddle Options!

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it? 7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser. 8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp post. 9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. 16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after". 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. .... and, as if that's not bad enough: When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed. After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card. Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. Man I hate this getting older stuff.

... and it's NATO approved! The mind boggles.

Would a bit of garden hose not do the job just as well?

Well said, Moe!

One afternoon, in a packed café, an elderly woman was getting more and more annoyed at the cigarette smoke being blown in her direction by the young woman at the next table. “Young lady! I would rather commit fornication than smoke a cigarette!” “Me too”, said the young woman, but coffee-breaks are too short for that.”

What! And spoil what could be a happy ending for the mouse.

I think this is an extremely good idea! However, when I looked at the map on the 'use-our-loo' link I didn't find anything in Bedlington. Has any business joined the scheme? I was also surprised to find that most pubs shown on the map only offer this service "from November to the end of March, or Easter. whichever comes first". Bit of a shame for those of us who need to pee all year round.

Be thankful they are dead! Mine brings them home alive, and you'd think butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. I swear she doesn't say Miaow - it sounds more like Moi? I've become a dab hand at catching mice in a whisky glass.

Funny you should mention that. When I was in Sicily earlier this year I saw a group of nuns splahing about in the sea, fully clothed. They appeared to be having the time of their life, laughing and shrieking like children. ... and we all share the same world which is even more important. ... used to? Now you've just spoiled my picture of you!

Perhaps you should try this Eggy ... A woman is frying eggs for breakfast. Suddenly her hubby appears in the kitchen and screams: -Be careful! Put some more margarine in the pan! You have too many in the pan at once. TOO MANY! Turn them over! TURN THEM OVER NOW! MORE MARGARINE! They’ll stick to the pan! Be careful! I said CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! NEVER! Turn them over! Hurry up! And, don’t forget to put salt on them. You know you always forget it! Put salt on them! SALT! His wife stares at him -What’s the matter with you? Do you think I’ve never fried an egg before? Hubby replies quietly: -I just wanted you to see how it feels when I’m driving.

Very interesting, Pilgrim.

You can read a bit about it on-line at: www.masonic-lodge-of-education They mention that gaining membership can vary from place to place and in some countries you can aaproach a Lodge and request membership but in England "a man wishing to become a Free mason may be invited to join by a current member who feels that he would be an asset to the Fraternity." They say also that he "must be investigated as to his background and then balloted upon by his prospective Lodge's brethren." So. unless you're invited it doesn't look as if you'll find out much - other than on the Internet.

I'd always understood that it's not just something you pop along to and become a member. I thought you had to be recommended by a member.

Mack and Matilda Stein had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love Mack insisted on switching off the light. After 20 years Matilda felt this was ridiculous and she decided to break him out of this crazy habit. One night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a ‘battery-operated pleasure device’...! Quiet, wonderful and larger than a real one. Matilda went completely ballistic. "You impotent b@stard," She screamed at Mack, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You’d better be able to explain yourself!" Mack looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

I think she might be called 'embarrassed'.

Just a quickie as I may not get time tomorrow .... Late one evening a young girl was walked home by her boyfriend. They stand in the porch for a while doing what young couples do in porches. He’s starts to feel a bit randy and with more than a touch of self-confidence he leans his left hand against the doorpost and says. “Sweetheart, can we have sex?” She: “Are you crazy. My parents will hear us”. He: “Ah, go on. Who’d hear us at this time of night?” She: “No! Please! Can you imagine if anyone should see us!” He: “Lay off. Nobody is awake. Everybody’s sleeping”. She: “Not a chance. It’s too risky”. He: (more than just a bit randy by this time) “Ah, please, PLEASE. I love you so much”. She: “No, no, no! I love you too but I just can’t”. He: Yes you can. PLEASE?” She: No, no, no! I just can’t …” He: I’m begging you …” Suddenly the stair light goes on, the girl’s younger sister opens the door in her pyjamas and with a sleepy voice she says: “Dad says you should give in and have sex with him otherwise he’ll come down and do it himself. And, for heaven’s sake tell that idiot to get his hand off the entry telephone!”

You divvent gaan on enough man and while aa naa nowt aboot fleas in pits (apart from the top-end pitcher hoose) a dee naa that baits an pits belang tegither, so here wad be a good place ti write aboot them. Hope everything is OK with Mrs. HPW:

No wonder we couldn't find it!

How the Internet Started (according to the Bible)... In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

An unemployed man applies for a cleaning job at Microsoft and is called for an interview. The personnel officer sets a simple test of his cleaning skills and is very pleased with the result. She tells him he’s got the job and asks him to leave his e-mail address at the reception so that she can send him the necessary employment forms to fill in. The man replies that he doesn’t have a computer, let alone an e-mail address. The PO says that as he has no e-mail address he doesn’t exist in the virtual world and therefore he can’t have the job. Heartbroken, the man leaves the building. He has only 10 dollars in his pocket. He buys 10 kg tomatoes, sells them door to door and doubles his money. He does this several times and finally scrapes together 160 dollars. He now realizes that he could make a living selling tomatoes, so he starts very early in the morning and comes home very late at night. Almost every day he doubles his money. Next step is to buy a little car so that he can cover a larger area and build up a bigger circle of customers. It pays off, so he buys a truck and then another. Finally he owns a whole fleet of trucks with which to serve his ever growing circle of customers. Within 5 years he owns the USA’s biggest chain of grocery stores. He still thinks about his, and the family’s, future so he contacts an insurance broker to see what he can do about financially securing their future. They discuss various insurance plans and finally agree on what would be best for the man and his family. The broker asks him to leave his e-mail address with the secretary on the way out so that he can send some forms to fill in. The man replies that owns neither a computer nor an e-mail address. The broker is surprised. “That’s amazing. You’ve built up a whole empire yet you don’t have an e-mail address. Think what you could have achieved if you’d owned a computer!” “Then, I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft”, replied the man. What can we learn from this? 1. Internet is not a life-saver. 2. If you want to work for Microsoft you need an e-mail address. 3. Even without an e-mail you can still be a millionaire – if you work hard. 4. If you received this story by e-mail, you stand a greater chance of becoming a cleaner than a millionaire.