Canny lass

At last, somebody who knows somebody who has one - and a fellow female at that! I've read all the literature and understood a third of it but nothing beats the advice of someone, without a financial interest, who's tried and tested for themselves. Practical and reliable sounds just up my street. That he's got a well polished body and chrome gear-stick is simply an added bonus.

I'm afraid I don't have time with consumption and emissions research and the like before my trip to Brussels. I need to be in top trim next week so it will have to wait until I return. I've already given him a good grope where I would expect to find the spare tyre. There isn't a sign of one! Just a discrete little bottle of something with a longish rubber hose and a nozzle of some sort. He obviously isn't the type to let a girl do the heavy work or get her hands messy. I'm liking him more and more.

X-rated! I don't know what you mean, mercuryg. All I did was ask for advice on buying a new car. A girl can't just go directly to things like the big E. I was thinking one of you guys might bring it up. I've now heard rumours that he's prone to overheating. Any truth i this?

Why not? Would you have me in any other colour?

Good heavens, I didn't know that! I don't speak a word of German but mixed marriages have been known to work.

His man-servant tells me that he may well come with a feathrlite rear protection mat in situ though he may equally well come without. He assures me, however, that with or without protection his performance is always the same. I have to confess, though, that at my age accidental spillage is not a problem. Three or four inches, I agree, can make all the difference when entering from the rear but a false bottom can be purchased at very little cost. I don’t see it as a problem. Do you know if his clothing is easily removable?

Incandescent you say. I must get a new hat!

Maj has been and gone here. So has Juni and now we are into Juli.

Darn! I never thought to look at the cup holders. I was too busy admiring the gear stick. I'll just have to go back and have another look - how we women sacrifice ourselves!

But what if I promised to be very gentle with him? He’s very inexperienced – dare I say ‘a virgin’ – untouched by any other woman’s hand. I’d only need his ‘services’ a couple of times a week and only for two twenty minute rounds per session. There’d be plenty of time for rest in between. Surely he could stand that pace? Does he have a drink problem?

I need a new little runabout. My present runabout, an Opel Aguila 1.2, has served me well since the day I bought it as new some 13 years ago. It's never seen the inside of a garage - my own or the makers' - and it hasn't got a speck of rust. It takes me reliably whereever I need to go and it gets me, and my shopping, home again in one piece every time. However, I have a confession to make. For several weeks I have been having a clandestine love affair with a little, blue Skoda Yeti Outdoor. It started with a few furtive winks at me from behind the half drawn net curtain of the showroom as i was driving past and before I knew it I was finding excuses to drive that way regularly. But it didn't stop at driving past. Finally I gave in to temptation and, parking my little Opel round the corner from the showroom, so he wouldn't see (hey! I do have feelings), I headed back to make the Yeti's acquaintance. Naturally, a girl must play a little hard to get so I made a pretence of being there to buy a pink, fluffy steering wheel cover. They were hanging just behind him, giving me the perfect opportunity to brush past him and to feel the lustrous, silky smoothness of his well polished body as I squeeeeeeezed slowly between him and his brother. Discretely, I eyed his equipment. Just as i expected. Everything a girl like me has ever dreamed of, make-up mirror, glove compartment, chrome gear-stick ... and all in the right places! I just knew I had to have him!! Does anybody out there know anything about him? Does he perhaps have a past that I should know about? Any weak points or bad points? Will he keep me in the style to which I've become accustomed with my little Opel? Will his equipment stand a bit of rough and tumble on country lanes and, last but not least, could he just be after my money?

Well, at least you're being honest and that's something I can appreciate. No need to be sorry. I couldn't agree more about the politics. It bores me too. Treating human beings as human beings on the other hand ...... I also came here to get information on Bedlington .... and I'm getting plenty, but not always the kind I was looking for. Unfortunately the rest of the world is getting the same information and it does not give a good impression of how, I believe, the majority of Bedlingtonians are - kind, generous natured, warm humanitarians. However, it only takes one rotten apple in a barrel to have the entire contents of the barrel classified as rotten. Ask any Muslim. Apart from that one rotten apple, this is really not a bad site. The few members I've met are wonderful people and they, together with the other contributors have among them a wealth of knowledge on Bedlington - a knowledge which they willingly share. There is plenty to be learned. Stick around. Post topics in which you are interested that don't concern politics and I'm sure you'll get many interested. Meanwhile, if the political content gets a bit too much (very heavy just now due to the referendum) do as several of us do and just don't open those forums.

and there was I thinking it was from the BNP's web site! http://www.bnp.org.uk/news/new-figures-prove-invasion-“-womb”-remains-biggest-threat-britain’s-homogeneity

I don't cut a cross either, Vic. No religious symbols allowed in this household.

Maybe he already does, Tonyp. Maybe he already does.

I'd be your first customer!

The answer is probably YES but they'll only be creating an enormous black-market for sprouts. You'll have to start growing them in the cellar along with the cannabis. If you can't get them sold buy a horse. Feed the horse with the sprouts and wait a day or so. Sell what comes out of the other end of the horse to any politician or newspaper. I'm sure they'll pay well. Hope this advice helps.

I don't think you got that quite right, Spuggy. He doesn't seem to know that a source is required for a quotation. I'm waiting for loads of them.

They won't have time to vote! They'll be too busy procreating.

The UK’s TOTAL fertility rate is in decline and the 2012 figure of 1.92 children/woman is somewhat below the replacement rate of 2.075 children/woman. However, the TOTAL fertility rate is never constant. In the past 50 years it’s been climbing and falling, reaching an all time high of 2.95 in 1964 (without the help of the Muslim community) and an all time low of 1.63 in 2001. In 2014, the fertility rate for ALL mothers born outside the UK was 2.09 (compared with 1.76 for UK born mothers) Not a great or threatening difference and please note, the figure relates not only to MUSLIMS born outside the UK, the figures include, for example, catholic mothers from Poland, Chile and Ireland – and many other places – and possibly Bhuddists, Hindus and Rastifarians. So, yes the fertility rate was higher among mothers born outside the UK but this does not say that they were Muslim mothers. I can’t find any figures which tell me that the fertility rate for just Muslims has increased but clearly - with a fertility rate of 2.09 (marginally higher than the 2.02 of the Catholic population of Northern Ireland) for ALL foreign born mothers – the fertility rate of 3.00 given by you simply can’t be correct, a part never being able to be greater than the whole. As with everything else, there are two sides to every story. Why, for instance, are Muslims given the blame for the decline of the “white UK population”, as you call it. We could, with equal conviction, appoint blame to the Scots for their declining fertility rate of 1.67. I'll not bother answering that eh? I suppose that's the fault of the Muslims as well? It could well have to do with the drinking habits of the bonny scots. (rhetorical question btw)

So will the children of non-Muslims as will their children after them.

Are sprouts a Christian tradition? Beggar me, I'm not a woman of faith and yet I've been following a Christian life-style without knowing it! I'll see what I can do, webtrekker. How many sprouts do you want? Do you want to stock up thoroughly while you've got the chance? There are rumours that prices will go through the roof when the article 50 button is pressed. They freeze well BTW. PS Should I throw in a bottle of something alcoholic? There'll be none of that either.

http://newsthump.com/2016/06/20/experts-to-be-replaced-with-angry-man-from-down-the-pub/ Simon Williams is of course a pseudonym.

Naturally, that should have said 'head' of head of state!

Brussels for me next week folks! Anybody want anything brought back? Cigs, booze, head of state on a plate?