Canny lass

I had a similar problem for almost a year! Crossins oot an capital letters aal ower the place.

... and just what makes you think you'll be able to get your hands on anything as 'foreign' as Martini come tthe day?

I have more interesting things to do on dark nights (woollies to be knitted, blankets to be crotcheted, that sort of thing)! However, for some reason unknown to me, a joke book is a standard fitting in most bathrooms/WC.s here. TRUE! The selection you are being hit with at the minute is the result of my cleaning up my computer. Most are not in English but I'm trying to translate one a day to share before it finds its way into the wastepaper basket. I think we could all do with a good laugh but scream if it gets to be too much.

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big birthday treat by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels. When she checked out next morning, the receptionist handed her a bill for £250.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just one overnight stay without a breakfast." The receptionist told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the receptionist, announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." 'But I didn't use them," she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-house shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" The Manager was unmoved by her pleas, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

You never miss what you give to a friend. Paste away, Malcolm! Very funny that - a buccaneer!

Down here as well, Pete.

I think somebody mentioned Guinness .... The directors of Heineken, Budweiser, Guinness and Carlsberg are playing golf one afternoon. After the 18th hole they meet up at the club house. The waitress takes their order: “A bottle of Carlsberg, probably the best beer in the world”, says the Carlsberg director. “A cold Heineken, which REALLY is the best beer in the world”, says the Heineken director. “A bottle of Budweiser”, USA’s best-selling beer”, says the Budweiser director. I’ll have a Coca-cola”, says the Guinness director, “If they’re not drinking beer, I’ll not either”.

I'm agog with anticipation!

You're forgiven, but only cos you had such a good excuse!

Haemoglobin? Sh! Wasn't Virén Finnish?

A little boy and his father were at the chemist shop and just happen to go past a stand with condoms. The boy studies them for a while and then asks his father who would need a pack of three. “Those are for teenagers” he answered, “one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday”. “Then, who would need the pack of six?” asked the boy. “Probably university students” replied his father, “two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday”. The boy continues looking at the different packages and his eyes become as big as organ stops when he sees a pack of twelve: “Who on earth would need a pack of twelve!” he asks. “Those packs are for married men, son”, his father replies, “one for January, one for February ……

At last, the great day is about to dawn - opening ceremony tomorrow! Has everybody stocked up with beer, crisps, pop-corn and the likes? Everybody got their ring-side seats booked in front of the telly? I’m not so sure that Svea has a terribly strong line-up this time round but my money’s on swimming and hurdles. Women’s football squad is looking good too. One or two names to watch out for are: Sara Sjöström, freestyle and butterfly Susanna Kallur, 100m hurdles Michel Tornéus, long jump - could be a bit of a dark horse (no pun intended) And, I’d love to see Therese Alshammar on the prize podium this time around. She’s got a few years behind her now but I think she just gets stronger and stronger. It’s her 6th Olympics and it might be our last chance to see her in action at this level. Go for it girl! What are the hopes and dreams of the British team?

The CIA had a vacancy for an assassin. After all background checks, interviews and tests had been completed there were three candidates left, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agent took one of the men to a big, heavy, steel door and gave him a gun. “We have to be sure that you can follow orders regardless of the circumstances”, he said. “Behind this door you will find your wife sitting on a chair. Kill her”. “No, no,” said the man, “I could never shoot my wife”. “Then you’re not the right man for the job”, said the agent. The second male candidate was given the same test. He took the gun and entered the room. Everything was quiet for five minutes, and then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried” he said, “but I just couldn’t kill my wife”. “You don’t have what it takes to be join the CIA”, said the agent. “You and your wife can go home”. Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She got the same instructions – to kill her husband. She took the gun and entered the room. Shots were heard, one after the other, then there was screaming, followed by banging, clattering and thumps against the walls. After a few minutes, everything went quiet. The door opened slowly and the woman emerged. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said – “That darned gun was loaded with blanks so I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

I'll try anything once! Mind you I've never shopped for photos before.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in London ... 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Well done Linus but I think you were pipped at the post by the scientists and schoolchildren. A measly 31 sprouts wouldn't produce much methane gas! And Eggy, that 8.3kg sprout - I've grown bigger garden peas!

sad indeed. I remember that the price of corned beef went through the roof!

You're not preparing them the right way, Eggy! Prepare and boil as usual. Drain well. Chop a few slices of streaky bacon in small pieces and fry until crispy. Place the sprouts in the pan with the bacon and all the fat. Fry lightly till warmed through. Eat, lick your lips and fingers and don't forget to wipe the grease from your chin before you kiss the wife goodnight!

Brussels again for me tomorrow. Just a two day job this time so I've only got cabin luggage, therefore no room on the home journey for sprouts and the likes. Anybody want any messages delivered or buttons pressed?

In these troubled times: A prayer for the stressed Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I have killed today because they got on my nerves. And help me to be careful of whose toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me that I may always give 100% at work … 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday. Help me to remember …. When I’m having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 muscles to smile and only four to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my mum always says". The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it." The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.

Me neither mercuryg.

Here’s another message for you mercuryg, this time from CL: Today I looked at 3gs contributions in just ONE forum – Chat Central – during the period 2015.01.01 -2016.07.24. 3g posted, during that time, 129 new topics. Of these 129 new topics: 31 received no response at all before 'dying'. 53 received 1-5 responses, half of which were from 3g himself, before dying like a damp squib. 17 topics elicited 6 - 10 responses, and once again half were from 3g himself. Death inevitably followed 9 topics managed to produce 11-15 responses with a significant proportion (I’d stopped counting by now) from 3g, before dying. 2 topics achieved amazing 15-20 responses – again quite a few by 3g. Again, death was unavoidable 12 topics actually produced a response in excess of 25 and some of them are, to a degree, still breathing/gasping for breath. Now, that’s all very boring, I know (numbers always are). However, what caught my eye was that, for the most part, the only people who bother to respond to 3g are you and I. I think there is something to be learned from the above figures. If we stop responding then he won’t have anybody to talk to. Should he continue to slag off my muslim friends on this site then I think it’s perfectly in order that they, and I, make a formal complaint and ask that the site be monitored for hate speech. You can mail me on puttevanilla@gmail.com (as can anybody else) should you have any comments. Do not direct message me. It only causes outbursts of the type just witnessed. Ps Absolutely nothing wrong with your understanding of grammar ('they' replaces the whole nominal phrase). However, some people would do well to learn that 'future' is an uncountable noun which cannot take the plural 's'.