Denzel

Biarritz chocolates - can you still get them?

Turkey - who in their right mind eats turkey any other time of year? It's as dry as sticks.

Port - gout in a bottle.

Mulled wine - it's against nature.

Geet big tins of chocolates - just buy a couple of Dairy Milk bars - more choccy, less cash.

Advocaat - howay man, it's made out of eggs.

Should've just knacked the friggaz!

The Sun till open ? if it is , i'll be there- if my auto steed gets me back in time

Ring first, just to make sure they have some beer in.

So basically you bottled it?

Sod the Scottish restaurant, let's have a KFC.

Indie? You think we're an indie band? I'll have none of that !*!@# thanks very much. We play proper music. Covers like Metallica, Judas Preist, Ac/Dc. And of course our own material. Don't judge us 'till you've heard us.

Can you define 'proper' music for me?

ANYONE OUT ON THE P !$$ THIS WEEKEND IN ONE OF MANY BEDLINGTONS PUBS!?

I can confirm I was. As was the Colonel.

they look too young, cool and hip for bedlington

Nah, they look like any other rag-tag group of half-arsed indie kids.

Almost as fast as a stampede for Throwing Muses tickets.

watched pms questions today, dont think he'll get elected ,the tories are f--ked if he's their great hope.They should pack up and leave the country. To an evil looking island

I agree, let's leave President Blair in charge.

The register of festive fare. The stuff you only buy in your pre-chrizzo "big shop". Yes, of course the turkey, the cranberry and the chipolatas, but what about the trimmings.

Nuts - who buys nuts, other than bags of peanuts, at any other time? Neebody, that's who.

Ritz or Tuc crackers. Got to get a box of them bad boys.

Dates. Dates? wtf?

Pickled Onions. That'll be a big masseeve jar of pickles as well.

Matchmakers. Someone will always get you a box of matchmakers. It's a law of nature.

Tangerines/Satsumas/Clementines/Mandarins. Who knows which is which? Who cares.

Selection boxes. The only time you ever eat a "Turkish Delight" or "Fudge"bar.

Parsnip. Sexually-confused vegetable that doesn't know if it wants to be a carrot or a turnip. Weirdo.

Odd cheeses. From those variety packs/cheeseboard selections you get. There's always a stinking thing wrapped in gold foil that you eat for a laugh when you're whacked off your gourd on snowballs and bottled french lager. Not recommended.

Any more?

Come on CK, roasted parsnips are spot, and indeed, on.

Your battered sausage and skipful of chips was a thing of no little beauty.

I'm pleased you enjoyed it sir. Next time come out with me, I don't think a day with Hairy Heed a VP is very good for you.

St-st-st-st-student

How much for Campbells meatballs?

What part of the website doesn't work?

And when I said 'us' i meant 'us' as a rock community.

Rock community?! Like where Fred Flintstone lives?

Jenny's opposite The Black Bull. Superlative.

I'm asking for a penis reduction

Mrs PN is strongly against the idea

I was under the impression the operation had already been carried out and was a roaring success?

Bachelors such as myself have no need for frivolous items such as Christmas decorations. The electricity saved through not having to power lights/santas/reindeers/inflatable snowmen etc is instead used to power my TV, where re-runs of The Sweeney are gratefully viewed.

And why buy baubles or tinsel when you can get four cans of Nelson from Netto for £3.29?

S-S-S-S-S-S-Sod off.

Why? Aren't you any good?

I bet the results of this poll ruffle a few feathers when the Powers That Be find out what the people of Bedlington think. They'll be quaking in their forty-pound Italian loafers.

Power to the people!

The working class can kiss my !*!@# ,

I've got the foreman's job at last.

I don't want spotty faced youths grunting on about how life is crap and skateboarding is good. I'm more than happy to have a game of crib instead.

Hats off to Nobby Solano, Alan Shearer, Peter Ramage, Scott Parker and aal the lads.

I'll second that motion.

Thankfully everything turned out all right for the lad in question. He was reunited with his teenage sweetheart and they are to be married next March.

Marvellous.

Well folks, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling particularly festive; it's not long until Santa will be popping down my chimney and (hopefully) leaving me a bumper crop of quality gifts.

But this year I haven't asked for a Lamborghini, and instead have opted for a more esoteric item, ie a mandolin (for chopping vegetables with, I haven't joined The Waterboys).

What gifts have the good folks of Bedlingtonshire requested then?

Just realised, it is, of course, 'chimerlee', as per !*!@# van Dyke. Apologies all round.