Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Guest MONGO]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[Pete]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

I like that Mongo

[Guest MONGO]

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldnt because she didnt have any clothes on. He replies, Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "im sorry, I think he's too far in.

[PussyKat]

two peanuts walking down the street..

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One was A Salted

[Malcolm Robinson]

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him "What the F*** do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhh, Ryan air!!!

[Malcolm Robinson]

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors" he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

[Malcolm Robinson]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Margaret."

[Malcolm Robinson]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that

her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the

first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she

reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give

her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to

discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to

unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, really really embarrassed, she could not raise her leg. With

a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little

more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large bricky who was standing behind her picked her

up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How

dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The bricky smiled and said, "Well, miss,I know what you mean but,

after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

[Denzel]

I'm loving this.

[Pete]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that

her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the

first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she

reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give

her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to

discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to

unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, really really embarrassed, she could not raise her leg. With

a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little

more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large bricky who was standing behind her picked her

up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How

dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The bricky smiled and said, "Well, miss,I know what you mean but,

after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

[Blank]

Why do men die before their wives?

They should.

Why are hangovers better than men?

Hangovers will go away.

What is the difference between garbage and men?

Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

How do you confuse a man?

You don't have to - they're born that way

What are the three types of men?

The handsome, the caring and the majority

Why don't men die in their sleep?

'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time.

What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

[Cympil]

Why do men die before their wives?

They should.

Why are hangovers better than men?

Hangovers will go away.

What is the difference between garbage and men?

Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

How do you confuse a man?

You don't have to - they're born that way

What are the three types of men?

The handsome, the caring and the majority

Why don't men die in their sleep?

'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time.

What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

:lol: :lol:

[Cympil]

Mickey goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane. Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was fu**ing Goofy

[Hamburger Pimp]

any1 got any

I think that question has been answered.

[Malcolm Robinson]

[

How do you confuse a man?

You don't have to - they're born that way

How do you confuse a woman?

Put three shovels against the wall and tell her to take her pick!

Boom Boom!

[Malcolm Robinson]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[Malcolm Robinson]

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,

as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough

to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't

want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix

the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it

in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the

world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear

is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the

can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he

paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting

on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Manchester, parts of Bradford and anywhere

in Wales.

[Malcolm Robinson]

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"Ten" replies the Essex girl.

"Ten?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl, "it's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"

(I was going to sub Ashington for Essex but.....................)

[Malcolm Robinson]

When to cancel the wife's gym membership!

Did it work??????????

[Cympil]

When to cancel the wife's gym membership!

Did it work??????????

Bah..it looks like a bloke in a wig..

[Malcolm Robinson]

Bah..it looks like a bloke in a wig..

I could put up the frontal views but they are even worse!

[Guest missvic]

I could put up the frontal views but they are even worse!

Malcolm! I'm sure you know better than that! You know it may get moderated!

[Monsta®]

three terrorists are on the run after a failed suicide bomb plot,

they decide to split up,

the first terrorist steels a motorbike and skids in a dog s**t and is caught,

the second hijacks a bus and is kicked to !*!@# by millwall supporters!

the third twoks a small plane fom heathrow and makes his get away, all is going well until he relises he doesn't know how to fly, he calls for help on the radio " help i is a in trouble" he screams into the mic

" what is your problem" the control tower asks

"I not know how to fly" the terrorist replies

"ok now what is your positon" the tower asks

" i not know i think i am upside down" he replies

"how do you know that" the tower asks

"cause the !*!@# just run past me ears"

[Malcolm Robinson]

Malcolm! I'm sure you know better than that! You know it may get moderated!

Maybe if I call it "art" or "Health & something" I can sneek it past the mod!

Here's one, not really a joke as such........

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three

who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had

syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.

Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with

astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and

drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon ,

used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't

smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

Have you guessed-----

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Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question:

If you said yes, you've just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging

someone. Never be afraid to try something new.