Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Hamburger Pimp]

[Cympil]

CK,Are you trying to tell me that this character is for real? He has auto-cue written all over him

[Mr Darn]

Whats Long, Wrinkly and smells like wee??

Come on, at leats let me finnish the joke!

Yeah, Yeah, your a smarta**e!!

A conga at an old peoples home!!!

!!!!!!!OWLDANRINKLY!!!!!!111!1!!!!!ITSDAWAYITELLEM!!!!

[Mr Darn]

Whats Pink, Old, Wrinkly, Smells like wee and hangs out grandpa's Pants?

Come on, You know you like these!!!

You not got it yet?

Grandma!!!

!!!!!!!!11!!!!!111YIDORTYBUGGAS!!11!!1!!!!!!THEOWLDUNSARETHEBESTUNS!!!!11!!1!!

[Malcolm Robinson]

The Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the

mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the

whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with

big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine

cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing

lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a beautiful blonde woman

in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him into

the house and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she made the

most passionate lovemaking he had ever experienced. When he had enough

they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs,

potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange

juice. Then she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was

pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom

edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to do? He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar!"

The blonde then said brightly, "The breakfast was my idea!"

[Hamburger Pimp]

A bit of fun

[Malcolm Robinson]

Will someone remind me NEVER to click a HP link again!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[Malcolm Robinson]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....

[Malcolm Robinson]

Might be a bit rude?

Anyone been to any of these places?

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)

Bastard (Norway)

Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)

Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)

Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)

Chinaman's !*!@# (Australia)

Climax (Colorado, USA)

!*!@# (Spain)

Cunter (Switzerland)

Dikshit (India)

Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)

Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)

Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)

Effin (Limerick, Ireland)

Fuku (Shensi, China)

Fukue (Honshu, Japan)

Fukui (Honshu, Japan)

Fukum (Yemen)

Hold With Hope (Greenland)

Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)

Little Dix Village (West Indies)

Lord Berkeley's !*!@# (Sutherland, Scotland)

Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)

Muff (Northern Ireland)

Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)

Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)

Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

Seymen (Turkey)

Shafter (California, USA)

Shag Island (Indian Ocean)

Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)

Tittybong (Australia)

Tong !*!@# (Japan)

Turdo (Romania)

!*!@# (Orkney, UK)

!*!@# (Germany)

Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)

Wankener (India)

Wankie (Zimbabwe)

Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)

!*!@# River (Nicaragua)

Wankum (Germany)

Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

[Hamburger Pimp]

Will someone remind me NEVER to click a HP link again!!!!!!!!!!!!

You love a bit of it!

Is this cool?

[Mr Darn]

Might be a bit rude?

Anyone been to any of these places?

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)

Bastard (Norway)

Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)

Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)

Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)

Chinaman's !*!@# (Australia)

Climax (Colorado, USA)

!*!@# (Spain)

Cunter (Switzerland)

Dikshit (India)

Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)

Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)

Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)

Effin (Limerick, Ireland)

Fuku (Shensi, China)

Fukue (Honshu, Japan)

Fukui (Honshu, Japan)

Fukum (Yemen)

Hold With Hope (Greenland)

Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)

Little Dix Village (West Indies)

Lord Berkeley's !*!@# (Sutherland, Scotland)

Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)

Muff (Northern Ireland)

Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)

Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)

Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

Seymen (Turkey)

Shafter (California, USA)

Shag Island (Indian Ocean)

Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)

Tittybong (Australia)

Tong !*!@# (Japan)

Turdo (Romania)

!*!@# (Orkney, UK)

!*!@# (Germany)

Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)

Wankener (India)

Wankie (Zimbabwe)

Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)

!*!@# River (Nicaragua)

Wankum (Germany)

Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

Can you IMAGINE the fud i'd have with this post if i was still mod??? my 8 button would be worn out!!!

[Cympil]

Might be a bit rude?

Anyone been to any of these places?

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)

Bastard (Norway)

Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)

Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)

Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)

Chinaman's !*!@# (Australia)

Climax (Colorado, USA)

!*!@# (Spain)

Cunter (Switzerland)

Dikshit (India)

Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)

Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)

Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)

Effin (Limerick, Ireland)

Fuku (Shensi, China)

Fukue (Honshu, Japan)

Fukui (Honshu, Japan)

Fukum (Yemen)

Hold With Hope (Greenland)

Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)

Little Dix Village (West Indies)

Lord Berkeley's !*!@# (Sutherland, Scotland)

Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)

Muff (Northern Ireland)

Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)

Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)

Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

Seymen (Turkey)

Shafter (California, USA)

Shag Island (Indian Ocean)

Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)

Tittybong (Australia)

Tong !*!@# (Japan)

Turdo (Romania)

!*!@# (Orkney, UK)

!*!@# (Germany)

Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)

Wankener (India)

Wankie (Zimbabwe)

Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)

!*!@# River (Nicaragua)

Wankum (Germany)

Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

[Malcolm Robinson]

I guess its back to innuendo then........

I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly, undressed, slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

I still don't know if she was joking...

[Malcolm Robinson]

Is this monsta??????????

(only for the zealots!)

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=418_1176494781

[Pete]

I guess its back to innuendo then........

I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly, undressed, slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

I still don't know if she was joking...

[Blank]

Is this monsta??????????

(only for the zealots!)

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=418_1176494781

He does have a point that bloke.

Erm... is he racist?

[Cympil]

A bit of fun

:lol:

I don`t know why i`m laughing really..that was torture

[Monsta®]

Is this monsta??????????

(only for the zealots!)

http://www.liveleak....=418_1176494781

what planet you on? an not racist! just realistic!!!

[Malcolm Robinson]

He does have a point that bloke.

Erm... is he racist?

To paraphrase the guy seems,

"A sophistical rhetorican, inebrieted with the exuberance of his own verbosity"

[Pete]

To paraphrase the guy seems,

"A sophistical rhetorican, inebrieted with the exuberance of his own verbosity"

Thats a bit much for me Malcolm

[Monsta®]

To paraphrase the guy seems,

"A sophistical rhetorican, inebrieted with the exuberance of his own verbosity"

been playing with the thesaurus on word!

[Malcolm Robinson]

been playing with the thesaurus on word!

Don't know how to monsta, just playing.....

Old Biker

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: £1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: £2.50

HANDJOB: £10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

[Cympil]

Question:

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:

Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

UK POLICE OFFICERS Answer :

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 999?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.

If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?

If I shoot him, and lose the court case does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?

AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS Answer:

BANG!!!

AMERICAN OFFICERS Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click.... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

__________________

[Guest MONGO]

Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?

A: Dress her up as a goat.

Did you hear the one about the Muslim who won a Nobel Prize in Mathematics?

Neither did I.

Q. How many muslims does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A. What's toilet paper?

Q. What do Muslim men do during foreplay?

A. Tickle the goat under the chin.

Here are a few tasteless jokes even al-Qaeda can appreciate:

Q. How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America?

A. None, American Liberals can do it all by themselves, thank you.

Did you hear about the prostitute who came out of a bar and was stoned? She didn't survive.

Did you hear about the greatest bash they ever had in Bali? Everyone was bombed. (this last one makes Bin Laden roll on the floor, piss in his robe, and kiss his goat)

[Guest MONGO]

A Pakistani comes to America and begins working for the ACLU but is unfamiliar with American advances in toiletry. On his first day on the job he comes back from the men's room saying he can't find any hole in the ground. His boss explains how American plumbing works and sends the Pakistani back. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream shakes the office walls. His boss runs into the bathroom to investigate why he's screaming.

The Pakistani replies, "I am just sitting here on the toilet like you instructed to do and every time I am making to flush, something comes up and squeezes dearly on my poor testicles."

His boss looks at what he's sitting on and says, "You idiot. You're sitting on the mop bucket!"