Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[cocknose]

Woman comes into bedroom in sexy underwear and says to husband "Tie me up and do whatever you want!"

so he tied her up , shagged her sister, and went fishing.

:lol: :lol: i like that

[mickypotts]

:lol: :lol: i like that

they said that Pigs would fly before America ever elected a black President.........................

101 Days into office............................SWINE FLU..............

[Malcolm Robinson]

Oh dear.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8H8HnaTIcmk

[Malcolm Robinson]

The old ones are the best..........

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do womething for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,

Lord, what do You

Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down

Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to

Him. Then God said,

'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that

To him, and then said,

'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a

Hill?'

So, God explained to

Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On

The other side of the

Hill you will find a

Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a

Cave?'

After God explained,

He said, 'In the cave

You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained

That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I

Want you to

Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do

I do that?'

God first said (under

His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to

Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down

Into the valley,

Across the river, and

Over the hill, into the

Cave, and finds the

Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience

Wearing thin, said

Angrily, 'What is it

Now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache?'

[Hamburger Pimp]

Q. What is a Gurkah's favourite subject at school?

A. Kukri!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!LUMLEY!!!!1!!!!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Britain's got talent...........

[cocknose]

It is just another working day at the brothel. The punters are coming, the cash is coming, and the girls are faking it. Suddenly the door opens, and a figure steps through the threshold, silhouetted against the backdrop of the red lights.

It is a boy, a young boy, about nine. In his hand is a length of string, reaching all the way to the floor, where it is fastened around the neck of what looks like a dead frog. The figure picks the frog up, strides up to the counter, and places the amphibian onto it, exclaiming,"I want a bitch with herpes."

Behind the counter, the sexmonger is flabbergasted. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"I said I want a bitch with herpes" says the child.

"Well I'm afraid we don't have any ladies that fit that description" replies the Madam.

"I want a bitch with herpes, and I am going to have a bitch with herpes" says the boy, putting £1000 on the counter, next to the frog.

The Madam thinks about this for a while and decides that the reputation of her house of ill-repute is definitely worth £1000. She sends for one of her many shingle infected sluts. The boy follows the genitally deformed working girl to her room, trailing his frog behind him.

After an hour of quite bizarre shenanigans the kid returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the Madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the entire previous hour, "Why did you want a whore with herpes?"

"Well," explains the boy "My parents are going out tonight. In the evening I'm going to bang my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he's going to bang her. Then he's going home to bang Mum. In the morning she's going to bang the milkman. He's going to bang his wife, she's going to bang her boss, he's going to bang his wife - my English teacher, she's going to bang my headmaster and HE'S THE C+NT WHO KILLED MY FROG!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.

Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

Both subsequently died in the ambulance and the PCT set up an enquiry, which came to the following conclusions:

1. The 50 mile journey to the nearest casualty department was in the couples' best interests.

2. The fact that there was no local bed in which Jack could mend his head was unfortunate but no targets had been breached and he had been offered a choice.

3. The lack of vinegar and brown paper was not material to the man's death as NICE had not yet decided whether it was cost-effective and in any case both the brown paper nurse and the vinegar nurse were away on courses.

4. The GP was most to blame and should be suspended and referred to the GMC as he had:

a. Not reported Jack and Jill's lack of water to social services;

b. Failed to recognise that anyone going UP the hill to fetch a pail of water must be seriously demented;

c. Had not involved the Falls Coordinator which resulted in Jill tumbling after Jack.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Dr Foster went to Gloucester in a shower of rain

He stepped in a puddle right up to his middle and never went there again.

This also resulted in major public debate.

The Press said it was outrageous that - given the fact that doctors were paid around half a million pounds for a 30 hour week - Dr. Foster should be put off by a mere soaking.

The politicians wanted to know why any doctors were going to Gloucester in the first place as it was an over-doctored middle class area unlikely to vote Labour at the next election.

The RCN said doctors weren't needed as nurses could do their job just as well, they were holistically trained and would have no problem with puddles

as they could also walk on water.

The local nurse practitioners agreed that they would of course go to Gloucester after doing the appropriate course.

The Social workers said that no one had considered how the puddle might feel about being trodden into.

The managers decided to do a piece of work around rain and puddles.

The next time there was a problem in Gloucester it coincided with a large multidisciplinary stake holder conference and no one was available so NHS Direct advised calling the GP.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Once upon a time it was resolved to have a boat race between a BUPA team and a team representing the N.H.S. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance. On the big day they were as ready as they could be.

The BUPA team won by a mile.

Afterwards the N.H.S. team became very discouraged by the result and morale sagged. Senior management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, and a working party was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the BUPA team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereas the N.H.S. team had eight people steering and one person rowing.

Senior management immediately hired a consultancy company to do a study on the team's structure. Thousands of pounds and several months later they concluded that: "Too many people were steering and not enough rowing."

To prevent losing to BUPA the next year, the team structure was changed to three "Assistant Steering Managers", three "Steering Managers", one "Executive Steering Manager" and a "Director of Steering Services". A

performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder.

The next year BUPA won by two miles.

Following this, the N.H.S. laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment in new equipment, and halted development of a new canoe. The money saved was used to fund higher

than average pay awards to senior management.

[Hamburger Pimp]

Anybody else wishing they worked with Malcolm?

It would be laughter all day long, yes?

[Malcolm Robinson]

Anybody else wishing they worked with Malcolm?

It would be laughter all day long, yes?

[Hamburger Pimp]

A couple of animal-based joke funnies for you:

Q. What is a dog's favourite stop on a Monopoly board?

A. Marrowbone Street Station!!!!!!!!11!!!BITEME!!!!!!!1!!!!

Q. What kind of lizard tells blue jokes and can change colour to blend in with its surroundings?

A. A stand-up chameleon!!!!!11!!!!!TAKEMYWIFE!!!!11!!!!!!!!

Laters, skaters.

[SuperMan]

When to cancel the wife's gym membership!

http://www.bedlington.co.uk/community/uploads//monthly_08_2007/post-23-1185958394_thumb.jpg

Did it work??????????

You should not have let your wife get like this!

[SuperMan]

This thread is ment to be called Good Jokes isn't it? Only Kidding, some of the jokes are good and heres mine.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalogue

[Malcolm Robinson]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear, or are about to repeat, a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up

to him excitedly and said: "Socrates, Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" said the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say".

"The first Filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"Well No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and....."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the Filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary....."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him,even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the Filter of

Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me or make me happy?"

"Well No, not really....."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated, ashamed and walked away.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem - it also explains why he never found out Plato was shagging his wife.

[Malcolm Robinson]

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was flying down the road yesterday, a woman

passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the

other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked

up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know

and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded

The cop stammered, 'A what?...............

A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one

finger, then work my way up to

two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole

hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then

I slowly but surely stretch it, until it' s about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot

!*!@#?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a

bridge...'

[Malcolm Robinson]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[pennylane909]

I have an owl friend who's getting engaged

I said "you twit to who?"

[Hamburger Pimp]

Tell it again!

[pennylane909]

hahaha

[Hamburger Pimp]

An owl friend of mine proposed marriage via the internet.

He used a Tweet to woo.

[cocknose]

Newsflash..................

Rescuers in Pakistan have this morning confirmed that the number of dead so far is over 30,000 people and is still rising..........they will attempt to enter a third house this morning.

[cocknose]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph..'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

Ralph! Wake up you dirty bast*rd. You s**t the bed!'

Edited September 21, 2009 by BAT_MAN

[Malcolm Robinson]

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started....

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....