Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

For several years, a man in New York City had been having an affair with

an Italian woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large

sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child

support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and

write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later.' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,

and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Two with meatballs, one without.

Send extra sauce....

[Malcolm Robinson]

''Whooow there big boy...........''

[Brian Cross]

I answered the door the other night, and there were two police officers

One held up a photo and said is this your wife?

Yes it is, I replied.

I'm sorry to say this said one of the police officers, but it looks like she's been hit by a bus.

I know, I replied, but she's got a lovely personality.

[bediesathome]

I answered the door the other night, and there were two police officers

One held up a photo and said is this your wife?

Yes it is, I replied.

I'm sorry to say this said one of the police officers, but it looks like she's been hit by a bus.

I know, I replied, but she's got a lovely personality.

good jokes they keep getting better keep them coming brian,

[Brian Cross]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big passionate kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that!?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that, "replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Alex?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.--

[Cympil]

I went to hospital with food poisoning the other day, after I'd eaten some Spanish lettuce. I had been settled in a cubicle where I had been given a bowl to vomit into, which I did.

The doctor came into the cubicle and after seeing the lettuce in my sick, he said "If there is more in your stomach we should probably do a stomach pump. How much lettuce did you eat?"

I told him "well, that's just the tip of the iceberg."

[Brian Cross]

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In the Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[Poppylass]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

[Brian Cross]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Good one short and sweet.

[Poppylass]

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny,

Said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your

Clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few

Inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she

Simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of

Underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?'

He said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared

When he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, '

Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder;

it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!

[Malcolm Robinson]

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

[Malcolm Robinson]

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you.

She said is that you or the beer talking ?

I replied it's me talking to the beer.

[Malcolm Robinson]

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[bediesathome]

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

hello malcolm keep the jokes coming ,(they keep getting better).

[Malcolm Robinson]

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in rural Dauphin, Manitoba out on a farm up in the hills near the Duck Mountains.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says,

"Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbour's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole..."

Pa thanks the neighbour, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!

Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.

WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"

As she pulls up her panties she says....

Yeah, "But I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen."

[Malcolm Robinson]

BORDER PATROL ALERT

The British Border Patrol is asking citizens to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants from Calais to Dover , through the Channel Tunnel.

If you see the vehicle, pictured below, and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police.

[webtrekker]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. that why you not haf sex or dates.'

The worried woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

[webtrekker]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

[webtrekker]

Paddy and Murphy are walking along a country lane in Ireland when Murphy spots a grave stone by the road side...

"Oh bejaisus" says murphy "would you take a look at this Paddy, this fella lived to be a hundred and eighty seven"

"Never" says Paddy "what was his name?"

"Miles from Dublin" says Murphy..........

[webtrekker]

I was standing at my wifes grave today and couldn't help chuckling to myself. She thinks I'm digging a fishpond.

[webtrekker]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your a*** before prison..................

Edited June 15, 2011 by webtrekker

[webtrekker]

Bloke buys a Geordie parrot but gets sick of it saying 'Aa'm from the toon and Aa'm hard as !*!@# ' so he puts a kestrel in its cage. Next morning he finds the kestral dead and the parrot says, 'Aa'm from the toon and Aa'm hard as !*!@# .' So the bloke puts a golden eagle in the cage. Next morning he finds the eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers. As he looks in the cage the parrot says, 'Had to tek me coat off for that f**ka...'

[webtrekker]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

[webtrekker]

At a Weight Watchers meeting open a box of Maltesers and scatter them on the floor....It's like watching a real life version of Hungry Hippos!