Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[webtrekker]

Northumbria Police have just announced the discovery of a cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles, 20,000 rounds of ammunition, a large quantity of heroin, £20m in bank-notes and 12 Eastern European prostitutes in the store room of a public library in Bedlington.

Local residents expressed their shock, with a community spokesman saying, "We're absolutely stunned by this. We never realised we had a library."

[webtrekker]

Bloke walks up to a chubby woman in The Black Bull, gives her a wink, and says "Hi love, have you got a pen?". She blushes. "yes!" she says. The guy smiles and say "well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realises you've got out

[webtrekker]

There I was, walking through the park, when this lovely 18 year old blonde appeared, our eyes met and there was an instant spark between us. She fell to the ground at my feet, and as we lay there making love, I thought to myself................

.... by !*!@# ,these Taser guns are worth the dosh eh...!

Edited June 15, 2011 by webtrekker

[webtrekker]

Apparently the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So every morning I slap the wife and say ''Two sugars fat a*** .''

Edited June 15, 2011 by webtrekker

[webtrekker]

I've booked a table for our anniversary. I hope it goes better than last year....... she got really upset and didnt pot a f****** ball all night....!

Edited June 15, 2011 by webtrekker

[webtrekker]

A little boy goes up to his dad and says "Dad, where does poo come from?" Dad explains that food enters the mouth and passes down the oesophagus to the stomach. There, digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as "poo".

"F*** me!", says the little boy "Where does Tigger come from then?"

[Malcolm Robinson]

A little old lady took her Schnauzer puppy to the vets and told him the little animal was hard of hearing. The vet had a good look at the little animal and said that it's hair had overgrown in it's ears and proceeded to clip it back. Once completed it appeared the little dog could hear perfectly, the vet told the little old lady to go to the chemist and buy some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it into the inside of the dog's ears every week, that way the hair would not grow back.

Reassured the little old lady went to the chemists on the way home and picked up a tube of 'Nair'.

The chemist asked told her if she was going to use it on her armpits not to use deoderant for at least 5 days, she said it wasn't for her armpits.

He then told her if she used it on her legs not to use any other lotions on her legs, she said it wasn't for her legs and that she was going to use it on her Schnauzer.

The chemist replied, it that case don't ride a bike for 5 days

[webtrekker]

:D

[Brian Cross]

Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy. The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stew.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.

Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Stew.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Paddy said, 'Well, Stew had two !*!@#

'What? He had two !*!@# asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: There's Stew with them two !*!@#.'

Edited June 17, 2011 by Brian Cross

[Brian Cross]

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. Police are attributing the blame to AL IKEA.

[Malcolm Robinson]

This is India, where you ring for advice when your computer connection goes down!!!!!!!!

[Malcolm Robinson]

ADVICE FROM PETER - A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Peter. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Lesley to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Peter, died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Peter, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[Brian Cross]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one

morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of

breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did

to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.

It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina when making

love."

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf,

it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows all about this stuff but

me."

[Brian Cross]

A wife asks her husband,

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

[Brian Cross]

So why did the English wear red coats in battle???

A long time ago,

Britain and France were at war.

During one battle,

the French captured an English colonel.

They took him to their headquarters,

and the French general began to question him.

Finally as an afterthought,

the French general asked,

"Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you

easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way,

the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats

is so that if they are shot,

the blood won't show,

and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why,

from that day to this,

all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

[Brian Cross]

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog !*!@#!"

Then I would say,"It is dog !*!@#. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something !*!@# for free, and then making you pay to get the !*!@# taste out of your mouth."

[Malcolm Robinson]

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace..

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[bediesathome]

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace..

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[bediesathome]

good joke that was malcolm keep them coming.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a

bottle of Tippex.

I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

[Keith Scantlebury]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a

bottle of Tippex.

I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Edited July 15, 2011 by keith

[mickypotts]

A rope walks into a bar............ asks for a beer......... barman says Sorry but we dont serve ropes in here....................he replies........Sorry but I,m a fraid knot!!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for

Ashington.

I told him no with my luck I'd probably win it!

[Keith Scantlebury]

A rope walks into a bar............ asks for a beer......... barman says Sorry but we dont serve ropes in here....................he replies........Sorry but I,m a fraid knot!!

FFS. Micky they're not getting any better. Find yersel a decent rope and a bottle of gin..... or maybe I should

Edited July 16, 2011 by keith

[Keith Scantlebury]

Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for

Ashington.

I told him no with my luck I'd probably win it!

Youre invited to do the same Malcolm,[re above post]