Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Brian Cross]

Should a Child Witness Childbirth? (Here's your answer.)

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mother so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........smack him again!'

[John Fox (foxy)]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured

by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .....

"In honor of the Harvest Festival,

YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request ???'

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought

before the Lone Ranger who whispers in

Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with

a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches,

the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits

he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request ???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak

to his horse.

Silver is brought to

him,

and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears

over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a

voluptuous brunette, more attractive

than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent

and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief

is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse, ....... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,

and Silver is brought to

the

Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone,

the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,

Looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!!

FOR.. THE... LAST... TIME.... I SAID .......

'BRING POSSE not !*!@#'

Best one on the website Brian

[Malcolm Robinson]

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He sits down at the bar to have a drink when the bartender screams,

"Did you see what your Monkey just did?"

"No, what?" asks the man

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...WHOLE!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy,

"He eats everything in sight, I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball

and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the

monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his Monkey with

him. He orders a drink and the Monkey starts running around the bar

again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the Monkey finds a bowl of

Maraschino Cherries on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his backside, pulls it out and eats it.. Then

the Monkey finds a peanut, again sticks it up his backside, pulls it out

and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted,

"Did you see what your Monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out

and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," the guy replied,

"He still eats everything in sight but ever since he had to pass that

cue ball, he measures everything first."

[Keith Scantlebury]

There was a young man from Kent,

Who's **** was extremely bent,

To save him some trouble.

He put it in double,

So instead of coming he went.

[bediesathome]

There was a young man from Kent,

Who's **** was extremely bent,

To save him some trouble.

He put it in double,

So instead of coming he went.

keith well done with the jokes keep them coming .

[Malcolm Robinson]

My wife and I went to the Great Yarmouth agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW ~~ That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

'That's once a day ...You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery..

[Brian Cross]

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building Drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:

"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this

Building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the

Building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back

Into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar,

But says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in heck that

Could happen!"

"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the

Street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him

Around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the

Elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.

"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time

Fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just

As his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently

Carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the

Elevator back to the bar.

Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try

It.

"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so

I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward -

Rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ....his body hits the

Sidewalk with a loud "splat."

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to

The first drinker, and shakes his head. He says,

"You know, Superman, you're a real a*+*##^ * when you're drunk."

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building Drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:

"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this

Building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the

Building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back

Into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar,

But says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in heck that

Could happen!"

"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the

Street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him

Around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the

Elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.

"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time

Fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just

As his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently

Carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the

Elevator back to the bar.

Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try

It.

"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so

I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward -

Rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ....his body hits the

Sidewalk with a loud "splat."

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to

The first drinker, and shakes his head. He says,

"You know, Superman, you're a real a*+*##^ * when you're drunk."

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building Drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:

"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this

Building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the

Building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back

Into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar,

But says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in heck that

Could happen!"

"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the

Street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him

Around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the

Elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.

"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time

Fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just

As his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently

Carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the

Elevator back to the bar.

Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try

It.

"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so

I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward -

Rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ....his body hits the

Sidewalk with a loud "splat."

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to

The first drinker, and shakes his head. He says,

"You know, Superman, you're a real a*+*##^ * when you're drunk."

[Brian Cross]

Not sure wot happened then ?????

[Malcolm Robinson]

The Mexican Maid.

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

[Brian Cross]

A GUY IS SITTING IN THE BAR IN DEPARTURES AT A BUSY AIRPORT.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an

off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the

airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, 'We love

to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another

line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. 'Winning

the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her

face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines

motto. 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f@c# do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

Qantas

Edited August 31, 2011 by Brian Cross

[Brian Cross]

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .

They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..

it was a mortar attack.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Don't really know if this is funny.................

USEFUL FACTS TO PUT THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE

Pythagorean theorem:............................................................ 24 words

Lords Prayer:.............................................................................66 words

Archimedes' Principle:.............................................................67 words

10 Commandments:...............................................................179 words

Gettysburg address:..............................................................286 words

Declaration of Independence:...........................................1,300 words

US Constitution with all 27 Amendments:.......................7,818 words

EU Regulations on the sale of cabbage:.......................26,911 words

[Merlin]

Reports are that Gadaffi has slipped into Jordan, she'll shag anybody her!

[Merlin]

Batman throws a party for all his super hero friends in a local bar in Gotham city, Spiderman was there, the Hulk was there well they were all there! The party wasn't going as planned so Batman says 'Lets all go back to the Bat Cave, where things will liven up' They all agree and set off for the Bat Cave. They all arrive at the Bat Cave except Superman. 'Where can Superman be?' asks Batman. Nobody knows and they are all worried. After half an hour Superman shows up. 'Where the hell have you been?' asks Batman. 'Well' says Superman ' I knew I would be here before every one else so I decided to fly around the world, and as I was flying over Hyde Park I looked down and saw Wonder Woman writhing around in the bushes naked, legs akimbo! I thought I'm having a piece of that, so I lobs my todger out and swooped down on top of her.' 'I bet she got a surprise at that' says Batman. 'Aye' says Superman 'But not as big of surprise as The Invisible Man got' :dribble:

[Malcolm Robinson]

Riddle of the Day:

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Obama is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women..

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

The answer is: ' A Last Name.'

[Malcolm Robinson]

Husbands are paying extraordinary amounts to give their wives the newest fashion craze:

[Malcolm Robinson]

40 Scousers suddenly arrive at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God on the Hotline, saying: I've got 40 Liverpudlians here, Lord, can I let them in?

God replies We are well over the quota on Scousers. Go back to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose from among them who are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the chosen dozen in.

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again, They're gone, he gasps.

What? exclaims God, All 40 of them?

No, the Pearly Gates!

[Malcolm Robinson]

some guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a

Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.

He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.

So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!

-------------------------------------

*One day I was walking down the beach with

Some friends when someone shouted.....

'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

----------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the

Estate agent which direction was north because

He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east

And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,

'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!

--------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,

when we overheard an admin girl talking about the

sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a convertible, but said

she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned

because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!

------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car

which is designed to cut through a seat belt

if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

-------------------------------------------------

I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.

My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip

out every time she turns her head!"

I had to explain that a person's nose and ear

remain the same distance apart no

matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !

-------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry

because she was a trained professional and

said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,

'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man

ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut

into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time

then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry

enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

And last, but not least:

Dumb as a box of Rocks

TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Sadly, they walk among us!

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid.

[Merlin]

The Foreign Legion were in the Desert.

Commanding Officer: Sergeant why have you got a camel in that tent?

Sergeant: Well the lads get lonely being away from their wives and girlfriends sir.

CO: That's disgusting! Get rid of it at once

Three weeks later, still in the desert;

CO: Sergeant do you still happen to have that camel in that tent?

Serg: Well yes we do sir. Why?

CO: Sergeant I feel a bit lonely myself, I have need of the camel, bring it into the middle of the compound, also bring me a chair to stand on! I don't care who see's, in fact bring the men to the compound as well, I'm not shy.

Serg: If that's what you want sir.

CO: It is.

Serg: OK sir

So the sergeant brings the camel to the compound, gets a chair and assembles all the men. The CO marches out climbs on the chair, drops his keks lifts the camels tail and starts to do the business

CO: How am I doing sergeant?

Serg: You're doing fine sir, but the lads usually ride the camel to the nearest village to find a woman! :dribble:

[P.A.W.S.]

. . . and the Queen's favourite song?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Magic Moments on Phillips 12"

[Brett]

The barman says "sorry we don't serve nutrinos".

A nutrino walks into a bar.

[Malcolm Robinson]

The barman says "sorry we don't serve nutrinos".

A nutrino walks into a bar.

Clevva!!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Aussie humor.......

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[bediesathome]

well done again malcomb with your jokes please keep them comming

[Mr Darn]

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.