Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Brian Cross]

The wife was screaming at her husband: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "And .. I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

Edited August 10, 2012 by Brian Cross

[Brett]

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lotto!

I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

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Napoleon is marching his armies through Europe when up ahead they see a bacon tree. Napoleon orders a full stop and sends out a scouting party to check it out. After hours of waiting no one returns so Napoleon sends another scouting party, double the size, to check out the tree. After several more hours still no one returns so he sends out a third scouting party, this time of a thousand men. Hours later a bloodied and half dead soldier returns and croaks "Napoleon, is not a bacon tree, is a ham bush".

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I swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas today.

I can't believe these currant exchange rates.

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Halfway through my shift at Boots, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife.

Naturally, I had a little peek as I handed them over. "Would you like the negatives?" I asked.

"Yes please," he said sheepishly.

I said, "Your wife's a bit fat and looks like Ken Dodd."

[keith lockey]

Tom, Dick and Harry are captured by Rommel's troops in Africa. They are taken to a POW camp but the commandant says there isn't any room for anymore captives.

"I vill set you free into zee desert and the merciless sun and sand will decide your fate. But I vill allow you to take one item each to pove how humane I am."

So he asks Tom what Item he wants.

"I'll take a brolly," says Tom. "So I can walk in the shade."

So the commandant gives him an umbrella.

"Vatt do you vant?" He says to dick.

"I'll have a Mexican sombrero to keep the sun off my head." Says Dick.

So the commandant give him a Mexican sombrero. Then he turns to Harry.

"Vatt item do you vant?"

Harry thinks for a moment then says - "I'll have a car door."

The commandant nearly chokes on his iron cross. "A car door! Vatt do you vant a car door for?"

"So i can wind the window down when it gets too hot."

[keith lockey]

What have the censors done to my T D H joke. You cannot be serious! (AARGH!)

[Malcolm Robinson]

Oh Keith...........speakers on!

Star Trek TNG - Computer - Input algorithm not accepted.wav

[keith lockey]

Oh Keith...........speakers on!

Star Trek TNG - Computer - Input algorithm not accepted.wav

[Brian Cross]

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for

some campaign advice, at their spacious home. After drinking several

glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his

personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see

that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just

think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.

But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how

impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his

private bathroom, . . . . . . Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed,

Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

"I found out who wee'd in your saxophone."

Edited August 14, 2012 by Brian Cross

[Brian Cross]

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia just so they can see their own doctor.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Who is giving who a hug...............??

[Malcolm Robinson]

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with

grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2 Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll

to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly

proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a

busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you

were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works

every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the

telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know

increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be

seen with.

9. Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine

won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely

proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people

whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last They are

the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer,

or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or

the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move

once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end

of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,

your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee

is cold.

13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker

room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jelly

sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the

newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know

what you are talking about.

16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're

ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find a

product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to

the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't

make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[Malcolm Robinson]

The Olympic jokes have started ...........

I see the Romanians have taken Gold, Silver and Bronze..............

and copper and lead, and any other metal they can get their thieving hands on!!

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The sailing results are in. G.B. took the gold, USA took the silver,

Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.

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I see the Aussies aren't doing very well in the Olympics,

but then if they could run they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place.

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My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

"Chinese," I replied

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Of course Team G.B. ladies won the rowing... it's the same basic movement as ironing

[mercuryg]

Like the last one....

[Malcolm Robinson]

So do I Merc but I wouldn't tell anyone!!!!

[mercuryg]

Here you Malcolm, the theme continues.....

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the

Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her

snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from

personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and

father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in

boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can

expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like

it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC

president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got

eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,

before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh

my God, what have I just said?"

[Malcolm Robinson]

A SMALL GLIMMER OF HOPE IN THE GLOOM !

'Viagra' is now available

in powder form

for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance

but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

[Malcolm Robinson]

The Americans have asked if they can use the Queen on their new 25 dollar note.

The UK have said OK, as long as we can put their president back on our jam jars.

[John Fox (foxy)]

The Americans have asked if they can use the Queen on their new 25 dollar note.

The UK have said OK, as long as we can put their president back on our jam jars.

Watch ya lip " Honky"

[Brian Cross]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaza. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

"The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

"The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora… The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want ?

Edited August 20, 2012 by Brian Cross

[keith lockey]

I used to go out with a contortionist - I bent over backwards for her.

I used to go out with a circus clown - until I caught her fooling around.

I used to go out with a spare-parts surgeon - but she gave me the elbow.

I used to go out with a time traveller - she said she would get back to me but she didn't.

[Malcolm Robinson]

A COWBOY TOMBSTONE:

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah.

He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

[Malcolm Robinson]

OK which one is the blonde????????

[Malcolm Robinson]

Was it worth it???????

[Malcolm Robinson]

Sit Fido

[Malcolm Robinson]

Sales time girls...........

[Brian Cross]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....