Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.

So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

And it's the same side of the street.

I don't even have to cross the road!

~~~~~

Answering machine message,

"I am not available right now,

but thank you for caring enough to call.

I am making some changes in my life.

Please leave a message after the beep.

If I do not return your call,

you are one of the changes."

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

~~~~~

My wife and I had words,but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering

and take without forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that,

by the time you're old enough to know your way around,

you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time

to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,

but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Or, terror

[keith lockey]

TIM VINE JOKES

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again

Conjunctivitis.com – that's a site for sore eyes (this year's Lafta winner)

So I said to a Scottsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

Edited December 1, 2012 by keith lockey

[Malcolm Robinson]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,

"This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

[keith lockey]

Bad news folks, I've been to the doctors today and she says I've got a bad case of margarine rash.

She says it's spread.

[keith lockey]

Me and the girlfriend's split up.

She said I never listened to a word she said!!!! I just turned and looked at her and said...'chips with mine please'.

It wasn't just that though. She said she wanted an animal-skin coat for Christmas. She should be grateful! Have you seen the price of donkey jackets.

But the last straw was yesterday. I got sick of her biting her nails in public. I mean someone nearly tripped over her shoes in the Red Lion.

[keith lockey]

I've just been down the Free Woods and I saw a tree doing Kung Fu.

Then I realised it was Spruce Lee.

[mercuryg]

Why does Edward Woodward have four d's in his name?

Because if he didn't we'd have to call him - everyone - 'ewa woowar'.

It's funny, really. Honest.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Says it all really......................

[keith lockey]

Lady Penelope from Thunderbirds has just text me. She wants to get back together. I said I would but with no strings attached.

We make a nice couple, don't we?

(Who said two dummies!!!)

Edited December 29, 2012 by keith lockey

[Malcolm Robinson]

Keith and his lass at a nudist colony going for a drive..............

[Keith Scantlebury]

Paddy's waiting at the bus stop, Mick drives up and says " do you want a lift , Paddy ?" Paddy replies " Thanks Mick, but I'd better not, in case I miss my bus"

[Malcolm Robinson]

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down

under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't

wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's

wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under

there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he

did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you 200.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of 200 - they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon

arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you 200?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me 200.Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed 200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.

[mercuryg]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603

Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time..'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

[keith lockey]

I've just seen the Spanish version of the film Highlander - "There can be only Juan."

[Adam Hogg]

A man flying in a hot air ballon realises he is lost. He reduces his altitude, spots a man in the field down below and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The bloke replies, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 foot above this field." "You must be a engineer," says the balloonist. "How did you know?" says the man. "Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone!" says the balloonist. The man below says, "Well, you must be in management." "I am, but how did you know?" says the balloonist. "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to hel;p. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault!" says the engineer.

[keith lockey]

I was at a karaoke on Friday night and a piece of selophane with a ribbon around it got up to sing.

It was a wrapper.

[Keith Scantlebury]

I was at a karaoke on Friday night and a piece of selophane with a ribbon around it got up to sing.

It was a wrapper.

YARRA PRAWN , LOCKEY HA HA

[keith lockey]

I've just been to a red Indian scalping party.

It was hair-raising.

There was a halfbreed Indian there; half Sioux and half Irish.

He was called Tom O'Hawk.

There was a young lad there called Colt Winchester.

I thought he's a son of a gun.

There was a guy reciting poetry whilst twirling a lasso.

He was a poet lariat.

Edited January 14, 2013 by keith lockey

[Adam Hogg]

This Warning has been issued by West Yorkshire Police Vice Squad: "Clubbers in the North of England have taken to injecting ecstasy directly into their mouths using dental syringes. This practice is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. If you are approached by a Yorkshireman offering you "E-by-gum," immediately report them to the Police.

[Keith Scantlebury]

This Warning has been issued by West Yorkshire Police Vice Squad: "Clubbers in the North of England have taken to injecting ecstasy directly into their mouths using dental syringes. This practice is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. If you are approached by a Yorkshireman offering you "E-by-gum," immediately report them to the Police.

E by gum Adam, by heck

[keith lockey]

I've just carried an old woman's shopping home from Tesco's today. I don't know what I'm going to do with her tin of corned beef and quarter of ham because I'm veggie.

Edited January 18, 2013 by keith lockey

[Adam Hogg]

A Teacher calls eight year old Johnny's mum to come and see her at school to talk about her son's behaviour. "I'm afraid your son has been caught playing Doctors and Nurses with one of the Girls here," The Teacher says. "Let's not be too harsh on him," Johnny's mum says. "He Bound to be curious about sex at that age." Johnny's mum says. "Curious about sex?!" Replies the Teacher. "He's taken her bloody appendix out!"

[Malcolm Robinson]

Sorry couldn't resist..

One should not take the English language for granted ...

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow .

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set , produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers , taxidermists , who operated in London at the turn of last century ...do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition ?"

"Sticks ?" said Paddy.

[Adam Hogg]

Why does the French flag have Velcro? So the Blue and Red sections are easily removed during a time of war.

[mercuryg]

Why does the French flag have Velcro? So the Blue and Red sections are easily removed during a time of war.

Now Adam, you don't want to be inflaming the old Anglo-French relations at a time like this......(is it the same for the Italians, but with red and green?)