Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

You asked for it.....

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and

each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy,

me ol' mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of de ears off

my Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."

"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house.

"Paddy" he said, "Your Pig has chewed the ear off my Pig.

Now we got two pigs with one ear each..

How are we going to tell who owns which pig?"

"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut at other ear off my pig. Ten

we'll ave two pigs and only one of them will avan ear".

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when

Paddy again stormed into the house.

"Paddy", he said, "Your pig has chewed the other ear offa my pig!!!"

"Now, we got two pigs with no ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy..

"I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my pig. Den we'll av two pigs with no ears and only one tail."

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and...........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.

"PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR PIG HAS CHEWED THE TAIL OFFA MY PIG, AND NOW

WE GOT TWO PIGS WITH NO EARS AND NO TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

HOW DE ARE WE GONNA TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, damm" says Paddy, "how's about you ave the black one,

and I'll ave the white one"

[Malcolm Robinson]

Should I Really Join Facebook?

Read it all the way through - It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!A good laugh for people in the over 60 group….

When I bought my Smartphone, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twitterific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying and rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and, while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "It doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today.

She said: "Sorry about the wait.†I said: "Don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.â€

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

2009 TOP SMART ANSWERS

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'

4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART AxxE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

TO ALL THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL

THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID 'IF I TOLD YOU, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.'

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HAND WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

20. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

21. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

22. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

23. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

24. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

25. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?

26. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

27. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

28. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

[Orloff]

L.M.A.O.!

[keith lockey]

Sheer genius, Eggy. Good ones.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Yep... :lol:

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

Read the previous Tommy Cooper one liners and thought I have some of them, and probably 80% not on this site, so:-

Due to considerable reader demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners.

Yes, he was brilliant!!

1 ... Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,

'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 ... A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'

'How's that?'

'Don't you start'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23.. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[mercuryg]

"I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle."

spat my tea out reading that one, brilliant.

"Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'"

I have actually used this retort, to mixed effect.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

"I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle."

spat my tea out reading that one, brilliant.

"Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'"

I have actually used this retort, to mixed effect.

Chubby Brown on stage singing and 'pogoing' (if that's a word) -'You fat bastard, you fat ...........................................

The wife nearly wet herself.

[Adam Hogg]

As i haven't seen any on here, Here are some jokes from another Great British Comedian Les Dawson.

1) I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.'

2) I upset the wife's mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire.

3) She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark.

4) Duck goes into the chemist's shop. 'A tube of lipsol please.' 'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.' 'Put it on my bill, please.'

5) I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up.

6) She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.

7) Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off

8) My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

9) I don't have to do this for a living, I just do it for the luxuries like bread and shoes.

10) I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

11) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

12) What amazes me is that so many people think showbusiness is glamorous and exciting. Believe me, it's about as glamorous as changing sheets in a bed-wetting clinic.

13) No laughs hey? I know the act smells, but I'm right on top of it and you don't hear me complain.

14) I was lying in bed the other morning playing a lament on my euphonium when the wife, who was prising her teeth out of an apple, looked back at me and said softly, 'Joey.' She calls me Joey because she always wanted a budgie. She said, 'I'm homesick.' I said, 'But precious one, this is your home.' She said, 'I know, and I'm sick of it.'

15) He drank so heavy, the only thing that grew on his grave were hops.

16) A letter came from the bank. I could tell it was from the bank as it was written on a wreath nailed to the front door.

17) People say to me, 'Cheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.' By the time she smiles on me she won't have any teeth left.

18) I wouldn't say the room was small but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply.

19) I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels?

20) There was an old farmer from Greece Who did terrible things to his geese But he went too far with a budgerigar And the parrot phoned the police.

21) I went to a small guest house. The manager said, 'You want a room with running water? I said, 'What do you think I am? A trout?'

22) I wouldn't say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope.

23) Kids are maturing so much earlier now. Every Sunday I've been taking my six-year-old over to the park to play on the swings and the slides. Last Sunday he refused to go. He said he's too old for that sort of thing. So now I'll have to play on the swings on my own.

24) I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't.'

25) I'm not saying the wife's ugly, but last christmas she stood under the mistle toe waiting for someone to kiss and she was still there at lent. In fact she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

26) I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

27) The wife's Mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."

28) I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking'

29) I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. You see the trouble is he's very old fashioned. When he gives you an injection you have to bite on a bullet.

30)Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

Les Dawson was funny but definitely did not watch - 'An audience with............. - a dead person'. How sick was that and to have Lional Blaire on!

Anyway here are some Paraprosdokian sentances:-

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Some people are like Slinkies ~ not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it, so I said "Implants?"

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way you look forward to the trip.

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.

Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø Some people hear voices, some see invisible people, others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that travels twice as fast when you run after it as it does when you are in it.

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Ø Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Ø Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

This one makes sense.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[Brian Cross]

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...

What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the fanny by a wasp,

and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

[keith lockey]

And you said mine were bad!!!!!

[mercuryg]

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

[Symptoms]

Enough, enough!!! This is 2013 not 1976!!! I've resisted for years looking at this thread but had a quick look today ... and did I laugh? Of course I did and, as a result, I feel very naughty at being amused by all this non-PC stuff.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

Dear Symptoms

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

No one is listening until you fart.

So we will see you back here in 2018.

Edited June 6, 2013 by Eggy1948

[Malcolm Robinson]

WHERE CAN I SHOP NOW?

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. Man I hate this getting older stuff.

[Brian Cross]

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer and

an American Police Officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.

You are carrying your police issued Glock and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.

What do you do?

ANSWER:

Australian Police Officer:

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?

9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?

11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head

and kills himself? .

14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to

sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Canadian Police Officer:

BANG!

American Police Officer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'...Reload...

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

[wonky]

A Cavan driver is pulled over by a Garda on the N3 from Dublin on his way home. The Garda approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Garda ?"

The Garda says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

...

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The Cavan man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The Garda is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The Garda says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The Garda says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the Garda is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Garda looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five Garda cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior Garda from the serious crimes squad slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior Garda says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem Garda ?"

"One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The Garda responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The Garda says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The Garda, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my Garda claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the Garda. The Garda opens the wallet and examines the license.

He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my Gardas told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[keith lockey]

It's just been revealed today that horror film star Peter Cushing once asked Whoopie Goldberg to marry her.

She turned him down because she didn't want to be known as Whoopie Cushing.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating in the confessional.

He says, "What are you doing father?"

"It's called masturbating" the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why's that father?" he asked

"Because my wrist is killing me" the priest replied.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

Ten Best Caddy Responses

Number :10

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"

Number : 9

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually, sir."

Number : 6

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir . . . That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch sir - it's a compass."

Number : 4

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course . . . We left that an hour ago sir."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus . . .

An old favorite . . . about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . .

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy . . .

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . . ?"

Caddy: "There's a piece of s*** on the end of your club."

The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face . . .

Caddy: "No sir, it's at the other end"

[Malcolm Robinson]

THIS IS TRUE

Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can:

Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English....

Getting There:

Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel

runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You

will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the

bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to

have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:

This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are

always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in

the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in

the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not

allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is

ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:

Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At

dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:

Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every

room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding

obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road

between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed

Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any

other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her.

She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If

asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:

When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You

will struggle to forget

[Malcolm Robinson]

S'pecailly for Brian!

I know Ponting has resigned but not sure who is now Captain.

What do you call an Australian that can handle a bat?

A vet

WHAT do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?

A laughing stock.

The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.

They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?

A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day? Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: "You lads can bat.'' Just as quick, Ponting replied: "No, we can't. We really can't.”

What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand? A waiter.

Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?

The woman who irons their cricket whites.

What's the height of optimism?

An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?

He forgot it was chained to his foot.

What is the main function of the Australia coach?

To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle.

His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!”

What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?

Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?

The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?

The entire Australian innings.

What's the Australian version of LBW?

Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?

Because he can get out without even trying.

What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?

A bat.

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?

A vacant lot.

Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX?

Because they can't spell beer.

Why can't Australian blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?

They eat all the grass.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?

They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?

At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?

They asked him if he had a criminal record. He replied: "I didn't know it was still necessary.”