Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

Is this satire or just fact?

My favourite politician.

[Malcolm Robinson]

BEST GEORDIE PICK UP LINE EVER:

A Geordie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?

''What's so special about it?'

The Geordie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies

'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Geordie smiles, taps his watch and says,

'Dammed thing's an hour fast!'

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Great legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

***********

[Malcolm Robinson]

This is a joke...........

[keith lockey]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and the barman says..."Is this a joke?"

[Brian Cross]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and the barman says..."Is this a joke?"

And .............

[keith lockey]

I went to the doctor's today and there was Tom, Dick and Harry in the waiting room.

Tom was vomitting everywhere

Dick was puking

and Harry was throwing up.

I thought this is a SICK joke.

[Brian Cross]

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker

at the coffee machine.

He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and

asks to file a Sexual Harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks,

"What's threatening about a co-worker

telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midgetâ€

[keith lockey]

Did Charles I's soldiers have a cavalier atitude towards fighting?

Do Aboriginies beat around the bush?

Was Samuel Colt a son of a gun?

Was Jacques Costeau out of his depth?

Did Matthew Corbett have a hand in Sooty's success?

[keith lockey]

I've just wrote a book about some dodgy extra-terrestrial con men.

I think I'll call it Fifty shady grays.

Edited November 26, 2013 by keith lockey

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

How did Joseph and Mary know that Jesus was 6 pound 7 ounces when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger.

[Brian Cross]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"
 
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
 
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
 
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."
 
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
 
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
 
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[Brian Cross]

Two female teachers took a group of students from  grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse.  When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?
'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.

[Brian Cross]

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,watching the front door of the brothel over the road.The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside."Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman."Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,knocks, and goes inside."Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbiwhen they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door."Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman"One of the girls must have died..."

[Brian Cross]

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.  The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

[Brian Cross]

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him around to number 3 Oak Street .'

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in retirement.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down!

 2. On all your cheque stubs, write'For Marijuana'!

 3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

 4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

 5. Sing Along At The Opera.

  6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

 7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

 8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy,we are going to have to let one of you go...

  9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

  10. Go to a large Department stores fitting room and yell out: THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE! 

[Brian Cross]

Paddy texts his wife...

"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads.

If I'm not back in 20 minutes, read this message again."

[mercuryg]

 

Paddy texts his wife...

"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads.

If I'm not back in 20 minutes, read this message again."

 

 

That's classic! I'll have to use that one. Except I have no wife, and the cat can't read.

[Canny lass]

You mean your cat has a mobile phone Merc! Impressive!

[Malcolm Robinson]

This financial crisis is forcing governments and business at all levels to make some tough decisions.

 

If things continue like this for much longer, there's a real risk that we may have to lay Fred off…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Brian Cross]

A Testimony to True Mateship

A man brings his best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5.30 p.m. after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in,
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess,

the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas, and I can't be

bothered with cooking tonight!

What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

 

[keith lockey]

I've just watched a film about a masked man in Spanish California who cuts the letter N into peoples' chests.

 

It was called The Dyslexic Zorro.

[Adam Hogg]

Why Did the MP's cross the road?

 

I don't know but they claimed £70 Expenses for it.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

They have taken their time. These are the first  Oscar nominations I have received :-

 

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her.................. It was the silence of the limbs.

 

New Valentine's Day card: "Roses are red, violets are glorious.. Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.â€