Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[keith lockey]

An unreleased Elvis Presley film has just been found at Gracelands. In it Elvis plays the lead role in a sequel to the Prisoner of Zenda.

 

The new film is to be released this summer and called Return to Zenda.

[Adam Hogg]

A famous millionaire revealed to the bbc how it feels to have piles of gold, it is very uncomfortable.

[Malcolm Robinson]

A man and woman were married for many years.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.  The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him.  The old man liked the fact that he was feared.  Then one evening, he died when he was 98.  After the burial,  her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" 

 

  

 
(HERE IT COMES!!!)

 

 

 

   
The wife said,  " Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

[mercuryg]

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

 

Piece of cake!

 

(Sorry, I'll leave town right now)

[keith lockey]

A Fresian cow has just won the gold medal in the Animal Olympic high jump event.

They reckon she is over the moon.

 

Think about it!!!

[Brian Cross]

Duz tha speak Yorkshire?

 

Police have just released details of a new drug craze

that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. 

Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started

injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

.............................................................................

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman:

"Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

............................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a

favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue

made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue

of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone

yer daft bugger!"

.............................................................................

The last is always best

 

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist

"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

Supposedly actual comments made on students' end of term reports:-

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack', but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

[Adam Hogg]

A Romford girl took the pill and washed it down with pond water, today she was diagnosed as being three months stagnant.

[Adam Hogg]

I met a tax inspector today and he showed me how to fill a form in, later I met a foreman who showed me how to fill a tax inspector in.

[keith lockey]

Ebay is having a pillory sale - while stocks last.

[mercuryg]

Supposedly actual comments made on students' end of term reports:-

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack', but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

I have a framed page from one of my school PE reports which read 'Steven has worked hard all year without displaying any particular talent.'

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

[Malcolm Robinson]

[keith lockey]

A drunk walks into a bakery and asks the counter assistant...

 

"How much are your sausage rolls?"

 

She says "Two for a pound."

 

"How much for one?" Asks the drunk.

 

"Seventy five pence." Came the reply.

 

"I'll have the other one then."

[Brett]

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is - you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

[Malcolm Robinson]

If this works its a cracker........

 

TheGreatestTelemarketerCallEver.wmv

[Adam Hogg]

Best way to stop them calling I guess.

[Brian Cross]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
>
>A young Aussie  lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking  for a job.
>
>The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young  man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home  in Dubbo.'
>
>The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
>
>His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
>
>After the store was locked up, the  manager came
down and asked, 'OK, so how many  sales did you make today?'
>
>The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and  continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average  20 or 30 sales a day.
>
>How much was the sale for? '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed,‣124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
>
>'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
>
>'Then I asked  him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
>and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
>
>'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4.
>
>The manager, incredulous, said,  'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
>
>'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said, ' Well, since your weekend's buggered,  you might as
well go fishing.'

[Brett]

I've been reading this book about Stockholm Syndrome. I hated it at first, but now I'm starting to really like it.

[keith lockey]

I've been reading this book about Stockholm Syndrome. I hated it at first, but now I'm starting to really like it.

 

Nice one, Brett.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Groovy man..........

 

 

[mercuryg]

One that was doing the rounds on line yesterday, had me chuckling......

 

A burglar climbs into a dark house through a window, looks around for valuables, then suddenly hears a voice in the darkness:

 

'Jesus is watching you!'

 

He freezes, waits a few moments, no more noise, so continues across the room. Again, he's disturbed by a voice:

 

'I'm telling you, Jesus is watching you!'

 

Baffled, he turns on his torch, slowly casting it around the room, and alights upon a parrot in a cage.

 

'Did you say that?'

 

'Yes' says the parrot 'I just think should know that Jesus is watching you....'

 

The burglar laughs.

 

'Yeah, right! What's your name then?'

 

'Noah' squawks the parrot.

 

'Noah? What sort of people call a parrot Noah?' asks the burglar.

 

'The same sort who call their rottweiler Jesus.........'

[Malcolm Robinson]

Just saying........

Do as I say not as I do.........

[Malcolm Robinson]

Again......

[Malcolm Robinson]

People should lay off Lance Armstrong I think what he achieved was amazing... When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike!