Just watched the Lance Armstrong interview. He lied to us so much and for so long I'm starting to doubt he landed on the moon at all.

Im starting to take this drink driving thing seriously now . Left the car in the pub car park last night & took the bus home. Quite proud of myself really I've never driven a bus before.

My mate Paddy rang me and said he's just got this bargain coat from House of Frazer. Originally it was £400 but he got it for just £25. He said it was supposed to be slightly imperfect but he's had a look all over and the only thing he can find is one sleeve slightly longer than the other two!

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons.

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed?

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are

well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?

A. Keep it in the cow.

(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs

and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor.

(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?

A. When you are sick at the airport.

(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

(brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his

diaper and wraps it around his head.

(now we're getting somewhere)

"Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A. Premature death."

 

I hope they gave top marks for this. (Malcolm, you've been busy!)

You don't know the half merc!

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,  

'How long before I can get a haircut?'  

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'  

The guy left. 

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?*
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .'  

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour.   Follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,..........

'Your house!

Prophetic?

I don't find this funny        .

http://fr.worldtop.org/category/top/femme-station-service/

 

That was hilarious!

THE ITALIAN VIRGIN

Maria was just married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. 
 

On her wedding night, she stayed at her mother's house, and was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her "Don't worry Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."

So, up she went. 

When she went upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. 
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. 

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. 

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he has hairy legs!"

"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. 

When she arrived there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. 

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"   

Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."

 

-- 

7 year old and 4 year old kid are in their bedroom. 7 year old says to his brother

 

'I reckon it's time we started swearing; let's do down for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you.OK?'

 

'Ok' replies the little 'un, so they go down for breakfast. So, Mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

 

'I'll have coco pops, bitch!' he replies.

 

Smack, the kid is knocked of the chair by Mum, cries his eyes out. She turns to the 4 year old.

 

'And what would you like?'

 

'Not sure, but it won't be f***ing coco pops.....'

 

(sorry, I'll leave the building.......)

I don't find this funny        .

http://fr.worldtop.org/category/top/femme-station-service/

 

On this note, my mother (she's knocking 80, so she has excuses) reversed into another car at Bebside tip the other day. She didn't notice it because, while reversing, she was busy reading a sign that said 'Please Take Care When Reversing'

A confused and depressed identical twin decided to commit suicide...so he shot his brother.

Didn't know where else to post this...........

http://www.thejournal.co.uk/news/north-east-news/judge-slams-northumberland-county-council-7541858

AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD
> MULE. THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER
> PARCHED THROAT.
>
> SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE
> STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A
> YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND
> A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
>
>
> THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING
> "HEY" OLD WOMAN HAVE YOU EVER DANCED"
>
>
> THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER
> DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
>
> A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL,
> YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD
> WOMAN'S FEET.
>
> THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF
> -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
>
> WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL
> LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE
> SALOON.
>
> THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A
> DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
>
> THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE
> CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
>
> THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND
> VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
>
> THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN
> AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
>
> THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S
> HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?
>
> THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE
> ALWAYS WANTED TO."
>
> THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:
>
> 1 - Never be arrogant..
> 2 - Don't waste ammunition.
> 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
> 4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
> 5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...
>
> I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

An old bloke, about 65, got a job interview. The personnel officer asked him "what is your greatest weakness"? The old bloke replied " my honesty."

 

The personnel officer said "I don't think that is a weakness". The old bloke replied

"I don't give a f**k what you think."

At a local bar in downtown Powell River,

​​

The owner & bartender, was so sure that he was the strongest man around,
that he offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron.
Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.
Many people had tried,.....over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.
One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar.
After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said:  "Ok,..."
He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the hell outta it.....
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.
But the Crowd's laughter so turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....  and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living?

Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for Australian Tax Office."

As You Mature,

It's The Little Things That Don't Seem To Matter As Much As They used To!

 

This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

I mean, when you are over sixty, who gives a shit?

 

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?

 

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?

 

I got caught taking a piss in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?

 

I went to the pub last night and saw an obese chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs."

She giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Honestly, when you are over sixty, who really gives a shit?

Robin Williams dead. Police suspect arson,

but I Doubtfire.

MONGO........good to have you back......play nice!

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
 
 
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
 
 
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you."
 
 
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.    Please advise."

I   PLAY GOLF ON FRIDAYS!

Ellen  and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25  years of  marriage.

When  asked what the problem was, Ellen went into  a  passionate, painful
tirade  listing every problem they had ever had  in the 25 years they had  been married.
 
She  went  on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,   loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry  list  of unmet needs she had endured  over the course of their   marriage.

Finally,   after allowing this to go on for a  sufficient length of  time,  the  therapist got up, walked  around the desk and  after asking Ellen to   stand,  embraced her, unbuttoned  her blouse and bra, put his hands on   her  breasts and  massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her  passionately as  her  husband Bob watched with a raised  eyebrow!

Ellen  shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly  sat down while  basking in the glow
of being highly  aroused.
The therapist  turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your  wife needs at least  three times a week.
Can you do  this?'

Bob thought for a  moment and  replied,

'Well,  I can drop her off here on Mondays   and Wednesdays,
but   on Fridays, I  play golf."

Ahkmed the Arab came to England from the
Middle East , and he was only here a few months
when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said,
'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room,
poop in de bucket, pee on de poop,
and den put your head down over de bucket
and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room,
pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop,
bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said,
'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor said, 'You were homesick.'

 

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales , Wales you bloody idiot!"

Therefore, I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.