Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Cympil]

like they say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush! or something!

oh and that golf game

What?

[Mr Darn]

To save a screen capture:

1. Once on the page you want to save a part of, press the [print screen] button (top right of keyboard(laptop users may need to hold the [Fn] key also)) Nothing visible happens, but a 'screenshot' of your current screen is saved to the clipboard.
   
2. Open paint,click in the white area, then hold [ctrl] and press [V]
   
3. click and hold in the picture and drag the section you want to the top left, so it alligns to the top and left sides of the piece you wish to save
   
4. scroll across to the bottom right of the page, and click in the empty space. you will see a small blue square appear in the bottom right corner (as well as in the centers of the side and bottom)
   
5. Drag this square to align the right and bottom of the piece you wish to capture
   
6. "save as" and upload to photobucket, then add the link into your next post
   

Further help available, just ask!

[Cympil]

To save a screen capture:

1. Once on the page you want to save a part of, press the [print screen] button (top right of keyboard(laptop users may need to hold the [Fn] key also)) Nothing visible happens, but a 'screenshot' of your current screen is saved to the clipboard.
2. Open paint,click in the white area, then hold [ctrl] and press [V]
3. click and hold in the picture and drag the section you want to the top left, so it alligns to the top and left sides of the piece you wish to save
4. scroll across to the bottom right of the page, and click in the empty space. you will see a small blue square appear in the bottom right corner (as well as in the centers of the side and bottom)
5. Drag this square to align the right and bottom of the piece you wish to capture
6. "save as" and upload to photobucket, then add the link into your next post

Further help available, just ask!

Thats what i ment

[Monsta®]

To save a screen capture:

1. Once on the page you want to save a part of, press the [print screen] button (top right of keyboard(laptop users may need to hold the [Fn] key also)) Nothing visible happens, but a 'screenshot' of your current screen is saved to the clipboard.
   
2. Open paint,click in the white area, then hold [ctrl] and press [V]
   
3. click and hold in the picture and drag the section you want to the top left, so it alligns to the top and left sides of the piece you wish to save
   
4. scroll across to the bottom right of the page, and click in the empty space. you will see a small blue square appear in the bottom right corner (as well as in the centers of the side and bottom)
   
5. Drag this square to align the right and bottom of the piece you wish to capture
   
6. "save as" and upload to photobucket, then add the link into your next post
   

Further help available, just ask!

der never would have known that like! i always though it was done by magic! thanks for the useless info there mmm

next time my brian doesn't function i'll keep that in mind!

or to print only the open window hold ctrl alt and print screen! may save the cuting out!

[TokyoGirl]

Back on track people!!!!!!

Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were driving through the country, when all of a sudden their car stalls. Samantha remembers seeing a farm a little ways back, so her and Janet walk to the farm, leaving Rebecca guarding the car.

When Samantha and Janet get to the farm, they tell the farmer what happened. The farmer raises a gun to their head and tells them to get a fruit, vegetable, whatever, just get something from the garden. Samantha grabs a turnip, and Janet grabs a single grape. Just as they come back into the farmer's house, Rebecca walks in. He tells Rebecca to do the same as they just did, and Rebecca heads off towards the garden. While she's out in the garden, the farmer tells Samantha and Janet to shove whatever they have up their ass, and who ever laughs, dies. Samantha laughs first, so the farmer shoots her. Then Janet laughs and she gets killed too.

So they are floating out of their bodies, and Janet asks Samantha why she died. Samantha said that the thought of sticking a turnip up your ass was just too funny. Samantha then asked Janet why she laughed, Janet said: "I saw Rebecca coming around the corner with a watermelon!"

Sorry maybe a little dirty.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Thanks Mr D.

Thanks monsta, but did we really need your later posting?

[Denzel]

Thanks Mr D.

Thanks monsta, but did we really need your later posting?

I thought one of the cyber-police would have removed it.

I'm shocked, nay stunned.

[Malcolm Robinson]

I thought one of the cyber-police would have removed it.

I'm shocked, nay stunned.

So am I if this works!

score.bmp

[Cympil]

A KIWI (New Zealander) is hoping to immigrate to Australia, and arrives at Kingsford Smith Airport on a sunny Wednesday morning full of optimism for the future.

Still, things do not go quite as planned ...

"What is your business in Australia?" the customs officer asks him politely.

" I wish to immigrate," the Kiwi replies.

"Do you have a criminal record?" the officer inquires.

Stunned, the crestfallen Kiwi replies: "Geez, bro, I didn't think you still needed one".

[Malcolm Robinson]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly

dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a

couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this

money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.

"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I

haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money.

Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my

husband and me tonight."

The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband

be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,

and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman

looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

[Malcolm Robinson]

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it is Wally. Again he is ready for action.

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newly-weds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action. And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.

[Malcolm Robinson]

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Merlin]

C.K.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away.' Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

[Malcolm Robinson]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my

husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he

uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your

Breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between

them for a few seconds every day"

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in

front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

How long will this take?" I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between

my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he said "Worked for your bum, didn ' t it?"

He ' s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk

again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a

straw.

Stupid, stupid man

[Hamburger Pimp]

Good jokes

[Cympil]

Good jokes

One or two of them gave me a mild grin there, but this one??

Q: Hegs when?

A: BELM

Any ideas?

[Merlin]

Get to f.......... WHAT!!!!

[Mr Darn]

Get to f.......... WHAT!!!!

thats what i thought about most of em

[Blank]

thats what i thought about most of em

Thats CK's pickled sense of humor for you!

[Monsta®]

hegs = helicopter external gondola system !

belm = some part of saxony?

sorry i think ck needs an ambulance to st georges!

[sleepy]

he laid her on the table so white clean and bare,his forehead wet wi beads of sweat,he rubbed her here and there,he touched her neck and felt her breast then drooling felt her thigh,the slit was wet and all was set,he gave a joyous cry.the hole was wide he looked inside all was dark and murky,he rubbed his hands then stretched his arms ............ then stuffed the xmas turkey........... MERRY XMAS to you and your dirty mind ha ha

[Mr Darn]

he laid her on the table so white clean and bare,his forehead wet wi beads of sweat,he rubbed her here and there,he touched her neck and felt her breast then drooling felt her thigh,the slit was wet and all was set,he gave a joyous cry.the hole was wide he looked inside all was dark and murky,he rubbed his hands then stretched his arms ............ then stuffed the xmas turkey........... MERRY XMAS to you and your dirty mind ha ha

Hmmmn, i'm sure i saw that somewhere else....

[Malcolm Robinson]

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

The structure of the wall was incorrect

So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.

Oh ****, it's Global Warming.

Mary had a little lamb

her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her

between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man

"What have u got there?"

Said the pie man unto Simon

Pies you ********.

Mary had a little lamb

it ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its !*!@#

and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie

kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play

he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And planned to do some kissing.

Jack made a pass

and grabbed her ass

Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white and wispy.

Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease

And now it's black and crispy.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Must be time to post more..............

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for

six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day

resting. He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look

what I've made" said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,

"What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm

going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity

and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East

over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is

a continent of black people."

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be

very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another

area of land and asked, "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious

place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football

teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is

the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers,

thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England

are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going

to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable,

hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the

world

as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,

"What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the bunch of !*!@#

I'm putting down South !