Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You ****ing b*stard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I

will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!'

[Malcolm Robinson]

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home.'

[Malcolm Robinson]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time.

Finally they decided it might be time for marriage.

Before tying the knot, they went out for a heart

to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.

Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their 'physical' relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked,

rather trustingly.

'Well,' she said, responding very carefully, 'I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently.'

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked;

'Was that one word or two?

[Hamburger Pimp]

Q. What sings songs and lives in a basement in Austria?

A. The Von Trapped Family.

[Cympil]

Q. What sings songs and lives in a basement in Austria?

A. The Von Trapped Family.

:lol: :lol:

Is that really funny?

I think so! :lol: :lol:

[Cympil]

But it isn`t funny really

When asked by the Austrian media if he had ever met Josef Fritzels daughter Alice, the family's next door neighbour replied " Alice?, who the !*!@# is Alice?, For twenty four years I've been living next door to Alice?

[Denzel]

What do the donkeys on Blackpool beach get for dinner?

About an hour.

Tish boom.

[Guest missvic]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw.

They're asking for a £10 million ransom.

Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about a gallon.'

[Malcolm Robinson]

Political jokes........

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.'

[Malcolm Robinson]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and

16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.

A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - £400

New shirt - £36

New underwear - £6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS!

[Malcolm Robinson]

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And so they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service !!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about

their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three

decided to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their

eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me

with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,

'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night

long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was

wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I

opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the

night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black

stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door

and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[Cympil]

The Countdown Row - Carol Vorderman Has The Last Words:

"You can stick your job up your

Vowel, Consonant, Consonant, Vowel!"

----------------------------

So, Barry George is innocent.

I bet Nick Ross won't be getting the milk off the doorstep tomorrow then.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Wee Hughie adored and loved his girlfriend, Lorraine, to whom he was engaged to be married. Wedding plans were well underway and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his life with Lorraine.

However, a beautiful young lady called Clearly came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well.

As time went by, Wee Hughie realised that he was in love with Clearly and that the love was reciprocated.

Being a gentleman he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship.

One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned.

He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily.

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

[Hamburger Pimp]

A new low, Malcolm.

[Malcolm Robinson]

A new low, Malcolm.

Xmas is coming anyone for sprouts?

http://www.christmastimeuk.com/game/

[Cympil]

I see that Newcastle United are changing the name of their ground from St James' Park to Sid James' Park after this latest carry-on.

[Cympil]

What's black and white and plays badly?

Laurel and Hardy on betamax

[kasyx]

man watching 2 bedlington council workers at work. one dug a hole and the other one filled it in straightway. the man went to ask why they were doing it. "Because the bloke that puts the tree in is on holiday"

[Malcolm Robinson]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I didit, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out ofbed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I thinkhe's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, Ithink you have the wrong number.......*

[Malcolm Robinson]

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Gordon Brown and his appointment as Prime Minister.

Well, you know,' drawled the old farmer, this Brown fella is what they call a fencepost turtle.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.

The old farmer said, When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle.

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain,You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place!!

[Malcolm Robinson]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her, so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.

The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other, and constantly 'snip' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,

'Your wife's !*!@# doesn't stink any more, and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!'

Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

[Malcolm Robinson]

*Expressions*

>

> Father: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope. Tell her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST cheque she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

>

> Daughter: "OK"

>

> Later....

>

> Daughter: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

>

> Mother: "Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face.

[Malcolm Robinson]

BIG PEOPLE WORDS

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher

Insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always

Reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.

Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

( I love this.....)

Alex thought real hard about it,

Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

'Winnie the !*!@#'

[Malcolm Robinson]

Guy goes into pub, orders a pint ,sits down ,looks around the bar and is amazed to see a tiny fellow dressed in white tie and tails about a foot high running up and down the keyboard and playing Rachmaninov's piano concerto.

When he's finished his beer he goes for another and asks the barman where he found the piano player,

He replied

" when I went to the bank yesterday I helped a little old lady across the road, at the other side she thanked me and told me that she was a witch and because of my compassion she was granting me 1 wish,

but I think she must have been a bit deaf because I didn't ask for a 12 inch pianist!