Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Pete]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.â€

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes†replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?â€

Watson ponders for a minute. "Well,

· Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

· Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo

· Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

· Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow

But what does it tell you, Holmes?â€

Holmes is silent for a moment.

"Watson, you idiot!†he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!â€

[Malcolm Robinson]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning; can you believe that….2:30am!!!!!!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I

thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to

Our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance,

so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked . The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

[Pete]

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, let's see!" So the man whips out his willy and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his willy without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

[Pete]

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if you're the man to talk to...it's kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he says, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She says, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies toilets

[Malcolm Robinson]

I am saying nowt..........

[Adam Hogg]

The government made a new cabinet position called the minister of cuts he went to the house of commons to tell mp's his plans for cuts and says he will cut the armed services, railways and other services. One mp's stands up and says "will the minister be making cuts in whitehall?" The minister stands up and says, "yes once i'm finished here i will be completely cut, but to tell the house the truth i'm half cut already."

Edited April 5, 2012 by Adam Hogg

[Merlin]

CON-DEMS! Nuff Said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Where does the time go?

'Remember yesterday and dream about tomorrow, but you better live for today'

How quickly the years pass..........

[Malcolm Robinson]

A "friend" just sent me this..........

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a 'Geordies Are Not Stupid' convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then the Geordies start chanting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.

So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Ninety?'

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says,

'What is 2 plus 2? 'Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream…..

'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'

[Adam Hogg]

A Person is doing a crossword in The Sun the clue says, "they peck holes in your milk bottle tops," (four letters --ts) the person doing a different crossword leans over and says "are you stuck with that one? I would recommend you look at page three for the answer"

[Brian Cross]

The Penis Poem--by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,

My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,

To find the !*!@# ' thing.

It used to be embarrassing,

The way it would behave.

For every single morning,

It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,

It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head,

And watch me tie my shoes!!

[Canny lass]

Thank you Brian. I was just beginning to think this thread had died!

[Brian Cross]

Thank you Brian. I was just beginning to think this thread had died!

Not a problem Canny lass

[Malcolm Robinson]

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform,

marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran

and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,

unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief,

which he also unfolds -

to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the

silk square handkerchief

and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,

and marches out of the door,

shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,

followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists

and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

"We'll have a new one."

[Keith Scantlebury]

Goodun, thats one of your better ones Malcolm. Just go'es to show that the Jockonese aren't as tight as we thought if they will splash out 10p on a new johnny between them

[Malcolm Robinson]

Tommy Cooper lives ...

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper . . . dicing with death!

So I rang up British Telecom and said: 'I want to report a nuisance caller.' He said: 'Not you again.'

Albinos - you can't say fairer than that.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: 'He's trying to pull a fast one.'

So I said to this train driver: 'I want to go to Paris.' He said: 'Eurostar?' I said: 'I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin.'

Beware of Alphabet Grenades. If you throw them, it could spell disaster.

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said: 'Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.' I thought: 'I can't turn that down.'

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I wanted to be a milkman - but I didn't have the bottle

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said: 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'

The advantage of easy origami is twofold...

This bloke says to me: 'Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?' I thought: 'That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness.'

I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes - he's a catholic converter.

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags - he's bisatchel.

So I went down the local supermarket. I said: 'I want to make a complaint - this vinegar's got lumps in it.' He said: 'Those are pickled onions.'

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

.

I used go out with an anaesthetist - she was a local girl.

Did you know that if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril it would give birth to a litter of Twiglets?

So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said: 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said: 'You are.'

During the war, my grandfather could not stop scribbling. He got hit by a Doodlebug.

I've got a front door made from sponge. Don't knock it.

I've played football on a plane, you know . . . there I was, running up the wing!

I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said: 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf.' 'I'm not gambling,' I said. 'The steaks are too high.'

I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn't catch my drift.

Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors.

I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back.'

So I went down my local icecream shop and said: 'I want to buy an icecream.' He said: 'Hundreds and thousands?' I said: 'We'll start with the one.'

When I left home, my mum said: 'Don't forget to write.' I thought: 'That's unlikely - it's a basic skill, isn't it?'

Velcro . . . what a ripoff.

So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants. It was Weggie Kray.

I went to the record shop and I said: 'What have you got by The Doors?' He said: 'A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!'

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen which said 'parking fine'. So that was nice.

What do you call a lady with big teeth who sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.

I was in the Army once and the sergeant said to me: 'What does surrender mean?' I said: 'I give up!'

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula's house . . . I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.

When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up.

[Canny lass]

You've got the tears rolling down my face Malcolm. I just love Tommy Cooper!

[Adam Hogg]

A vicar goes to a mans house because the man has a problem the vicar say, "get onto the booze and try to organize some local wife swapping, it will do you the world of good." The man says, "Thank you vicar." The vicar says, "Also if i don't see you at the dogs tommorrow put a bet on for me." The postman hears the conversation and say, "Vicar is that not bad advice to give to one of your flock?" The vicar replies, "You see I'm not the local vicar. He's at home mucking about with my wife, so I'm mucking about with his parish."

[Malcolm Robinson]

A rich blond buys the New Automatic BMW X6 Sport.

She drives the car perfectly well during the day,

But at night the car just won't move at all.

She tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.

She then furiously calls the BMW dealer and they send out a technician to her, the technician asks: Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears??

Full of anger, the blond replies:

"You fool, idiot man, how could you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!!

I use D for the Day and N for the Night.. "

[Malcolm Robinson]

Deer Sur,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do sum Acounting 2. I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me. Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it !*!@# be 2 complikaited

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job Bcuz of my persinalety.. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore anser.

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May McBiggins

PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low.

Dear Peggy May:

Start on Monday.

We have spell check.

[John Fox (foxy)]

Deer Sur,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do sum Acounting 2. I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me. Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it !*!@# be 2 complikaited

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job Bcuz of my persinalety.. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore anser.

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May McBiggins

PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low.

Dear Peggy May:

Start on Monday.

We have spell check.

Theezinz ohh narely asbig az theminz upat Coontyhall :dribble:

[Malcolm Robinson]

My Sat Nav.........

I have a little Satnav

It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend

It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav

I've had it all my life

It does more than the normal one

My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions

On exactly how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour" it says

"And you're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front

It lists those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house

Makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things

And - keeps me warm in bed!

[Malcolm Robinson]

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,

'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you!!!!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Repent O Scottish Sinner......

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke. . .

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[mickypotts]

ah well, thats a scotsman for you, gud one