Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Brian Cross]

UURRRRRR Brian.............

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian

Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a

terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a

couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some

really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news

first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.

Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little

cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but

she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a

turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the

good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few

really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so

we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or

five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're real beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all

that...

So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill

here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there

and pull her up again!

Thats the Aussies for you there is always a bright side to evey situation.

[keith lockey]

The gay community in Hollywood are remaking Clint Eastwood's A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS.

They are calling it A DOLLAR FOR A FULL FIST.

[Brian Cross]

There was a family gathering,

With all generations around the table.

Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet

Into Grandpa's drink,

And after a while, Grandpa excused himself

Because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however,

His trousers were wet all over.

'What happened, Grandpa?'

He is asked by his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know.

I had to go to the bathroom.

So I took it out and started to pee,

But then I saw that it wasn't mine,

So I put it back!'

[Brett]

I got in trouble at the zoo today for lining all the squirrels up in order of height.

They don't like me critter sizing.

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Archaeologists digging on a Pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts....

Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.

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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lotto!

I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

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I bought my Girlfriend a pug.

Despite the squashed nose, wonky eyes, and trouble breathing due to the weight gain over the years, she really loves her new pet.

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[Brett]

It might be cold and rainy, but I've decided to put up a marquee in my garden with some funky music and flashing lights in it.

Now is the winter of my disco tent.

[keith lockey]

It might be cold and rainy, but I've decided to put up a marquee in my garden with some funky music and flashing lights in it.

Now is the winter of my disco tent.

I bought a cheap marquee for my bash last year.

That was the winter of my discount tent.

[Malcolm Robinson]

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But....The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[Malcolm Robinson]

It might be cold and rainy, but I've decided to put up a marquee in my garden with some funky music and flashing lights in it.

Now is the winter of my disco tent.

Made glorious summer, by this side of pork.........

[keith lockey]

I went to the TA last night and the sergeant shouts - "Keith, I didn't see you in camouflage class last week."

"Yeah," said I, "I'm getting good, aren't I."

[Adam Hogg]

A new Recruit is sitting in a weapons class and the Sergeant Major is stripping down a weapon and notices the Recruit looking out the window and shouts to the Recruit, "Are you paying attention son?" the Recruit replies, "Yes Sir i am." The Sergeant Major says, "Come up here and put the weapon back together then." The Recruit puts the weapon back together and the Sergeant Major says, "I guess you where paying attention." The recruit replies, "To tell you the truth i was not paying attention, I used to work in the factory that made these."

[keith lockey]

When I was young my mother told me never to open the coal house door - under no circumstances must I open that door. Well one day she went out an left the coal house door unlocked - so I opened it. And I saw things I'd never seen before - trees, blue sky, people...

[Malcolm Robinson]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cab driver if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For £100, the cab driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cab driver tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Audi I gave you..

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser..

HE paid for your Man Utd season ticket.

HE paid for our house at the lake...

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cab driver and says,

'What would you do?

The cab driver replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches cold.'

[keith lockey]

There has just been a slaughter at the local supermarket. Two women started fighting over some eye-liner and it got out of hand. Dozens have been killed. Google in the headline for the details...Tesco chain-store mascara.

[keith lockey]

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.

Little things like being spanked.

Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Edited September 25, 2012 by keith lockey

[Adam Hogg]

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.

Little things like being spanked.

Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Depends what kind of person you are and if you like that sort of thing.

[keith lockey]

My mate has just been sacked from HSBC for making love to one of the cashiers in the bank's vault.

So much for SAFE sex.

[Andy Millne]

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and

driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes

with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the

years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had

a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may

have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before...

I took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a police roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it

past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as

I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it!

[Malcolm Robinson]

My mate has just been sacked from HSBC for making love to one of the cashiers in the bank's vault.

So much for SAFE sex.

[Malcolm Robinson]

GGGG you might like to moderate this one....................

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very

shy about having to sell condoms to the public. After a few weeks the

owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would

be willing to run the shop on her own.. She had to confide in him her

worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll

ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large] so the word condom

won't even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a big black guy came in

to the shop, put out his hand and said "Can I have 350 please”.

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him

of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his

legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between

his legs. "Yes !” she said " He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50.... He's the window

cleaner!”

[Brian Cross]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the

temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[mercuryg]

"The Defective Parrot"

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

'DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

[Malcolm Robinson]

:lol:

[keith lockey]

Hey lads, I've just bought a cheap boat. I was down at the docks last night and a girl came out of a doorway and said I could have a tug for twenty pounds.

[Malcolm Robinson]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.

"He's decomposing."

[Brett]

Two interesting facts about me.

1) My Willy is the same length as 2 Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos.