Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing bum stops and says,

"Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said

"Hell no ... you pervert .......... get away from me!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered,

"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX:?

Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged

Sex with a prostitute- Commercial Union;

Sex with your maid- Employer's Liability.

Sex with an OAP - Saga !

Sex resulting in pregnancy- General Accident

and finally

Sex with a transvestite - confused.com

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says:

"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

Truisms

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.

They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.

When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ Desmond Tutu

*****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ David Letterman

*****

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.

~ Howard Hughes

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Italian proverb

*****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Betsy Salkind

*****

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Jean Kerr

*****

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabon

*****

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

~ Jeff Foxworthy

*****

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Prince Philip

*****

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Emo Philips.

*****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Harrison Ford

*****

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Spike Milligan

*****

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

~ Robin Hall

*****

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Jean Rostand.

*****

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

*****

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ WH Auden

*****

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

~ Jonathan Katz

*****

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson

*****

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

~ Arthur C Clarke

*****

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Steve Martin

*****

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Jimmy Durante

*****

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn

*****

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?

~ Steven Wright

*****

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ Doug Hamwell

*****

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ George Roberts

*****

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport

~ Jonathan Winters

*****

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ Robert Benchley

[keith lockey]

Does anybody know anything about greyhound racing or whippet racing? - The girlfriend says she want to go dogging tonight.

[keith lockey]

I've just left the girlfriend lying on the bed, panting for breath and moaning.

Damn it! I should have kept the pillow pressed down longer!!

[Brett]

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I'm still lost…

==============================

Anyone know any jokes about salt?

Na

==============================

I had some bad news yesterday. My old friend Gavin died. Choked to death on a indigestion tablet.

It's hard to believe that Gavisgone

==============================

Everyone goes on about how horrible the tories are and how they hate David Cameron. I have a bit of a soft spot for him.

Face down in Hackney Marshes.

==============================

I booked a table for the Wife and I on Valentines night. I hope it wont all end in tears, she's crap at Snooker.

==============================

The wife and I were out for a walk last night and we walked past an expensive restaurant. My wife said "MMMmmmm, that smells amazing!" I thought, what the hell, I could treat her. So we walked past again.

==============================

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but I found great comfort when I turned to Religion. I turned to Islam and we're stoning her at noon tomorrow!

==============================

A man answers his door to find a cop outside. The cop pulls out a photo of a woman and asks him if can identify her. The man says "Why yes. That is my girlfriend".

The cop looks really sad and says; "I'm sorry, sir, but it looks like she was in a very bad car crash".

The man says "I know that - but on the plus side - she does have a wonderful personality".

==============================

I met a friend of mine outside the Doctor's surgery, he looked worried.

I said Bob are you ok?

He said no Gerry, I have the Big C.

"Cancer?" I said

"No Dyslexia" he replied...

==============================

My father came into my bedroom last night and said "I've told you that playing with it will make you go blind" I said "Dad i'm over here!"

==============================

[Malcolm Robinson]

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,

I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's a... anymore.

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp post.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

[Malcolm Robinson]

In a Tottenham church Sunday morning a preacher said,

"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over,

please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my

hearing."

The preacher put one of his fingers in Leroy's ear, and then he took his other hand and placed it on top of Leroy's head; and then he prayed and prayed and eventually the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It isn't 'til Thursday."

[Symptoms]

I think that all right thinking folk would have found the previous joke funny had the venue been Royal Tumbridge Wells or Alnwick and the lad been called Kevin.

[keith lockey]

A Brummie goes into a retro clothes shop to buy some 70's clothes for a fancy dress. The girl behind the counter says...

"Would you like a kipper tie?"

The Brummie replies, "Ta very much, milk and two sugars."

[Brian Cross]

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever.

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt."

"You crafty little bxxxxxd," said the genie..

Edited August 15, 2013 by Malcolm Robinson

[Brian Cross]

The Air USA plane leaves LA Airport under the control of a Jewish

captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between

the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the

auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,

'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!

That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese.....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain,

'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , .....all f#kin same.

[Adam Hogg]

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!

That Japanese, not Chinese.'

I think with your china man you have been watching team America to much.

[mercuryg]

I went to the zoo yesterday; the only animal there was a dog! It was a shih tzu.

[Brian Cross]

Cock A Doodly Doo!

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home.

He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.

"So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "SHHHH, they're getting closer..."

[Malcolm Robinson]

"My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, 'Don't be Sicily'.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it

was dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead ?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I pssst in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child,

innocently.

'You did WHAT ?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it

didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'

'What ?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water ?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

'WHAT ?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water ?'

' I told you NO ! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you !'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT !'

'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water ?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven ?'

The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in

and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's

sake, Dylan, come in or stay out !''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was

tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he

asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me

tonight ?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the

children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat

down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.

Is it your Easter Dress ?'

The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on

microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year

old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the

shower.

She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat !'

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her

tummy.'

'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum ?'

7. A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'

The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my maths homework, Mum.'

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it ?' the mother asked

'Yes,' he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you

teaching my son in maths ?'

The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four ?'

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them

was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken

Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken

Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.. and so Chicken Little

went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is

falling !'

The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that

farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:

'Holy Shit ! A talking chicken !''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.

Sugarbrown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane

Sugarbrown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.

Sugarbrown's daughter ?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play

with the boys ?'

Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're

too rough.'

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him ?'

[Keith Scantlebury]

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up and says "can I have 5 beers please "

A Budhist monk walks up to a hot dog seller and says "Can you make me one with everything "

[Malcolm Robinson]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what

probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I

think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."

[keith lockey]

Alas my latest endeavour at self-employment has failed.

I tried to start a dating agency for chickens - unfortunately I couldn't make hens meet.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Ahhhhhhhhhhh....keith!

I suppose Xmas and cracker time is coming up.

[keith lockey]

I've just started a chess correspondence with someone in Prague. We play chess everynight and it is so great having a Czech mate.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Walking across a shopping centre car park a soldier found a distraught woman sobbing. He asked her what was the problem and she explained that she's left her keys

inside the car.

"Don't worry," he replied. "I can help."

The woman looked on in amazement as the soldier removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball and rubbed them against the car door. Magically, it opened.

"That's so clever," the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis."

[keith lockey]

I've just been to an auction today and Lot 69 was the mummified remains of a Viking warrior.

I thought they're flogging a dead Norse.