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Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

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Rigger
Rigger

The following are things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATT

Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)
Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)
Malcolm Robinson
Malcolm Robinson

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.  Example: the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen; Aleve is also called Naproxen.  Amoxil is also called Amoxicil

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Malcolm Robinson

Malcolm Robinson

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Posted

A man and woman were married for many years.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.  The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"


Neighbors feared him.  The old man liked the fact that he was feared.  Then one evening, he died when he was 98.  After the burial,  her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" 

 


  

 
(HERE IT COMES!!!)

 

 

 


   
The wife said,  " Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

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Brian Cross

Brian Cross

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Duz tha speak Yorkshire?



 




Police have just released details of a new drug craze



that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. 

Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started

injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.




Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"



.............................................................................



A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.



Yorkshireman:

"Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."



Vet: "Is it a tom?"



Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."



............................................................................



A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a

favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue

made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.



Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue

of yon dog?"



Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"



Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone

yer daft bugger!"



.............................................................................




The last is always best



 





Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist



"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"



Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

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Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)

Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)

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Supposedly actual comments made on students' end of term reports:-

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack', but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

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mercuryg

mercuryg

Posted
Posted

Supposedly actual comments made on students' end of term reports:-

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack', but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

I have a framed page from one of my school PE reports which read 'Steven has worked hard all year without displaying any particular talent.'

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keith lockey

keith lockey

Posted
Posted

A drunk walks into a bakery and asks the counter assistant...

 

"How much are your sausage rolls?"

 

She says "Two for a pound."

 

"How much for one?" Asks the drunk.

 

"Seventy five pence." Came the reply.

 

"I'll have the other one then."

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Brian Cross

Brian Cross

Posted
Posted

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
>
>A young Aussie  lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking  for a job.
>
>The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young  man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home  in Dubbo.'
>
>The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
>
>His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
>
>After the store was locked up, the  manager came
down and asked, 'OK, so how many  sales did you make today?'
>
>The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and  continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average  20 or 30 sales a day.
>
>How much was the sale for? '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed,‣124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
>
>'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
>
>'Then I asked  him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
>and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
>
>'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4.
>
>The manager, incredulous, said,  'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
>
>'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said, ' Well, since your weekend's buggered,  you might as
well go fishing.'

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mercuryg

mercuryg

Posted
Posted

One that was doing the rounds on line yesterday, had me chuckling......

 

A burglar climbs into a dark house through a window, looks around for valuables, then suddenly hears a voice in the darkness:

 

'Jesus is watching you!'

 

He freezes, waits a few moments, no more noise, so continues across the room. Again, he's disturbed by a voice:

 

'I'm telling you, Jesus is watching you!'

 

Baffled, he turns on his torch, slowly casting it around the room, and alights upon a parrot in a cage.

 

'Did you say that?'

 

'Yes' says the parrot 'I just think should know that Jesus is watching you....'

 

The burglar laughs.

 

'Yeah, right! What's your name then?'

 

'Noah' squawks the parrot.

 

'Noah? What sort of people call a parrot Noah?' asks the burglar.

 

'The same sort who call their rottweiler Jesus.........'

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