Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

15 minutes ago, Canny lass said:

Has this thread died or just gone to sleep? Life is giving me nothing but lemons and I desperately need a good laugh!

No jokes young lady, just some links to Youtube videos that might make you smile :-

 

 

 

 

[Mal]

If you love food but were a child of the 60’s you should remember most 

of this:

 

* Pasta had not been invented. * "Kebab" was not even a word, never mind 

a food. * Curry was an unknown entity. Indian restaurants were only 

found in India. * The only vegetables were spuds, peas, carrots, turnip, 

cauliflower and cabbage. Mange tout and Pak choi were made up words. 

Chilli was in South America and scotch bonnets were worn by old ladies 

in Aberdeen.* A take-away was a mathematical problem. * A pizza was 

something to do with a leaning tower.* Oil was for lubricating your bike 

chain not for cooking.* Olive oil was kept in the medicine 

cabinet.*Spice went in Christmas cakes (and so did peel, Yuk).* Herbs 

were used to make medicine I think.* All crisps were plain.* All soft 

drinks were called pop. * Coke was something that we put on the fire, we 

never drunk it and we certainly didn’t sniff it. * Ginger beer burnt 

your lips off, when you stopped drinking. * Rice was a milk pudding, and 

never, ever part of our dinner. * A Big Mac was what we wore when it was 

raining. * A microwave was science fiction * Tea was made in a teapot 

using tea leaves. The tea-cosy was the forerunner of all energy saving 

devices. Tea had only one flavour, it was tea flavoured * Figs and dates 

appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them. * Coconuts only 

appeared when the fair came to town. * Mayonnaise was called Salad 

cream* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake. * Dinner consisted of what 

we were given, and not negotiable. * Only Heinz made baked beans.* 

Leftovers went in the dog. * Sauce was either brown or red. * Eating raw 

fish was called madness, not sushi. * The only ready meals came from the 

fish and chip shop. * Frozen food was called ice cream. * Nothing ever 

went off in the fridge because we never had one. * None of us had ever 

heard of yoghurt. * Brunch was not a meal. * Cheese only ever came in a 

hard lump.

* If we had eaten bacon, lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we 

would have been certified insane. * Eating outside was called a picnic 

not Al Fresco. * Seaweed was not a recognised food. * Eggs were not 

called ‘free range’ they just were, and the shells were white. * 

Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday - it was compulsory. * The 

phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond our realms of 

comprehension. * The term "oven chips" would not have made any sense at 

all. * We bought milk and cream at the same time, in the same bottle, 

before you gave it a shake.* Prunes were purely medicinal. * Pineapples 

only came in chunks in a tin.* We didn't eat Croissants because we 

couldn't pronounce them, we couldn't spell them, and we didn't know what 

they were. * for Baguettes (see Croissants). * Garlic was used to ward

off vampires in films, but never to be eaten. * Water came out of the 

tap; if someone had suggested bottling they would have been locked up....

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

@Canny lass :- 

 

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope slapped him.

 

 

A man died one day and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on the clock will move."

 

"Oh," said the man as he pointed at one of them, "Whose clock is that?"

St. Peter replied, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"That's incredible, " said the man.

St. Peter pointed to another clock, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."

The man was impressed, and then asked, "Where's Donald Trump's clock?"

St. Peter said, "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

Donald Trump is not a sexual abuser.

He's an alternative romantic.

 

 

Donald Trump has announced that now he's President he's going to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

 

What does the Secret Service say when Donald Trump gets shot at? - Donald! Duck!

---

Why can't Trump be hanged for treason? - Fake noose.

---

Donald Trump walks into a bar ...    And lowers it.

---

I'm sick of people comparing Hitler to Trump.  - Hitler wrote his own book.

---

Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Donald Trump's wall. - On the condition he gets to install windows.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

@Canny lass :- 

 

I can still remember my Grandpa's last words before he kicked the bucket. He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

---

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?  Robin, get in the car.

What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

---

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?

Ask me if I'm a tree. Are you a tree?  No.

---

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Steve.

Steve who?

Steve proceeds to break down into tears because his Grandmother's Alzheimer's has advanced to the stage where she no longer remembers him.

 

 

[Canny lass]

Thanks guys! The lemons are still coming at me but but that swetened them up a bit.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

Talking to some village people last night :-

 

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

A blonde Swede was sitting on a bus reading the newspaper when all of a sudden she starts to cry.

The Spanish guy sitting next to her asks what's wrong and she replies that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in a drug bust.

The Spanish man agrees that the news is very sad.

After a while the Swedish blonde asks, "How many is a Brazilian?" 

 

[Canny lass]

Why did God create Eve?

 

 

 

He created Adam, stood back,  serveyed his work, scratched his head and said:

 

 

 

I'm sure I can do better than this! 

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

17 minutes ago, Canny lass said:

Why did God create Eve?

He created Adam, stood back,  serveyed his work, scratched his head and said:

I'm sure I can do better than this! 

See - man admits when he is wrong🙂😇🙃

[Canny lass]

On 29/10/2020 at 15:55, Alan Edgar (Eggy1948) said:

See - man admits when he is wrong

Well .... I didn't hear any apologies when he decided that only women should give birth.

[Bedlingtonian]

The miracle of birth. 😉 

 

[Denzel]

On 29/10/2020 at 14:35, Canny lass said:

Why did God create Eve?

 

 

 

He created Adam, stood back,  serveyed his work, scratched his head and said:

 

 

 

I'm sure I can do better than this! 

Because Adam needed his loincloth washed.

[Canny lass]

Well..., to be fair, it's like Eggy said "man admits when he is wrong" and that 'man' had clearly realized that that he'd not included sufficient grey cells in his design. 

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

2 hours ago, Canny lass said:

Well..., to be fair, it's like Eggy said "man admits when he is wrong" and that 'man' had clearly realized that that he'd not included sufficient grey cells in his design. 

Doh

[Canny lass]

With Christmas fast approaching your thoughts may already be turning to what to buy for the young lady in your life. Shopping can be a nightmare, especially if you are thinking of buying clothing of a ‘more personal nature’.  Here’s some handy information on bras which may be of help:

 

Bras come in 4 types:

Catholic – supports the masses

Salvation Army – lifts the fallen

Presbyterian – keeps them staunch and upright

Baptist – makes mountains out of molehills

 

Then there’s the lettering system for the cup size! But, we women have a simple way of remembering it:

A – Almost boobs

B – Barely there

C –Can’t complain

D –Dang!

DD – Double dang!

E – Enormous

F – Fake

G – Get a reduction for Heaven’s sake!

H – Help me; I’m falling over (sometimes simply labeled as ‘The over-shoulder, boulder holder)

 

Happy shopping

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

 

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi."

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

 

“Puns”   to make you smile 

 1. A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE:

We will heel you

We will save your sole

We will even dye for you.

2 A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:

“Blind man driving.”

3. Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

4. In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels.”

5. On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

6. At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.”

7. On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed.”

8. On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

9. At a Tire Shop:

"Invite us to your next blowout.”

10. On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts.”

11. In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

12. On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push.”

13. At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

14. Outside a Muffler Shop: ...they really mean silencer...

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

15. In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

16. At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”

17. In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

18. In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”

19. At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank Heaven for little grills.”

20. And the last...;

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

When Canadians Get Bored...

 

Edited January 5, 2021 by Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)

[Vic Patterson]

I only see blue ?

[Vic Patterson]

Ah I get them on my phone

 

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

15 minutes ago, Vic Patterson said:

I only see blue ?

Not sure what happened Vic. First 'copy & paste' looked like the images but when I saved the post the images converted to 'link addresses' so I edited the post; deleted them all and uploaded photos via the ''choose files....' 

[Canny lass]

Loving the two feet of snow! Definitely going to attempt a pair in the garden.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

 

It runs in the 'jeans'

[Bedlingtonian]