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keith lockey

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Dear Keith and Malcolm,

I am proud to enrol you in the Vampire Obliteration Manifesto - International Team - VOMIT, for short. You will be part of an elite vampire killing organization known as the Transylvanian Redemption Association Nullifying Nosferatus In Ethnical Societies - TRANNIES.

You will be provided with a uniform – see photograph – and your duties will entail stalking the streets at night, dressed accordingly, and hunting down suspicious bloodsuckers. (I hasten to add that certain members of our initial team considered tax men in this criteria. It is a bit of a grey area on our part but out legal experts agree with their mind set on this one – act accordingly.)

You will also be provided with the usual accoutrements – stake, hammer, garlic, crucifix, complete DVD collection of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Now I must warn you that some of our members were accosted whilst performing their duties – especially when in full uniform of fishnets, stiletto heels and Max factor make-up. Mostly this was down at Blyth docks late at night and I fear that some of our team took advantage of the situation and resorted to moonlighting. In one instance our chief vampire killer, Dennis the Destroyer, went professional and became Doreen the Dominatrix. I trust you will not be tempted by this by-trade.

So I look forward to your initiation ceremony which will be in the graveyard at midnight wearing full costume. You will be given your tools of the trade and will be micro-chipped so we can track your movements, it is quaintly known as Stake and Chips.

Until then and remember our motto – Vampires are a pain in the neck.

Uniform details enclosed - post-2953-0-18862800-1361180673_thumb.jp

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