Brian Cross

THE HEART ATTACK A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up And says, "Mommy Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on" The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband.. Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. 'You rotten Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

does it suit me

THIS IS PRICELESS If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this! Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Yep not too bad here Mal we missed out on the worst of it but up north is a different picture.

Golf and Whisky...... An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: "How do you stay in such great physical condition?'" "I am Scottish and I am a golfer," said the old fellow: "and that is why I am in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it." "Well,' said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" "Who said my Dad died?" The doctor was amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive How old is he?" "He is 100 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither weedram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too." "Well," the doctor said, "that's great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my Grandad is dead?" Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?" "He is 118 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today" At this point the doctor was close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?"

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with "hell" and you say something with "ass". The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios". WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom shut him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

On the subject of pubs. are the dun coo and the black bull operating at the moment, my Uncle Fred Gibbon was landlord of the black bull for a years we we had good times there.

Ta mate they will be appreciated.

Whats happened to our Snowy pics this year 4G/3G/Monsta ?

All the best Pete ...........

I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!â€. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher.

Excerpt from the Diary of a Soft Southern Shandy Drinker living in God's Country this winter, the North East of England. OUR FIRST WINTER in Northumberland. Just moved to Northumberland from London and looking forward to our first winter wonderland. 22nd November It started to snow today! The first of the season, and the very first we have seen for years. The wife and I took our hot toddies out onto the porch and watched the fluffy soft snowflakes gently drift from the sky, leaving a twinkling diamond-like dusting on the trees and the lawn. It is so beautiful and peaceful here. 23rd November We awoke delighted to find a beautiful blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering the land as far as the eye can see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush is now adorned with a lovely mystical cotton wool covering, sparkling as if sent from heaven itself. 24th November Today I shovelled for the first time ever and I loved it! I cleared both our driveway and the whole of the pavement outside our house and the house next door. Later on, a snowplough came past and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver gave a big wave and smiled as he went past, I waved back and then shovelled the driveway clear again. The children next door built a snowman, with coal for its eyes and a carrot for its nose, they then had a snowball fight. A couple of snowballs just missed me and hit the car, I threw a couple back and joined in the fun. 25th November It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did the same trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish grey. 26th November Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon turned into ice as the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both cars. Fell on my a*s* in the driveway and went to casualty, luckily nothing broken! 27th November Still cold! Had another 8 inches of white !*!@# last night. Sold the wife's car the other day and bought a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and caused considerable damage to the right wing. Both the vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush... The b**t**d snowplough came by twice today! Where's the bloody shovel? 28th November More f------ snow! Not a tree or a bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and paraffin heater, which then tipped over and nearly torched the house! Managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns to my hands, and lost all of my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a f------ deer on the way to casualty and was written off. 29th November F------ white stuff keeps coming down! Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the postbox. The little b**t**ds next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that carrot so far up their a*s*s, it'll take a surgeon hours to find it! And if I ever catch the a*s*hole that drives the snowplough, I'll kick him in the boll**ks! I think the b**t**d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling. He then accelerates down the street like Michael f------ Schumacher and buries the f------ drive again! 30th November Sixteen more f------ inches of f------ snow, f------ ice, f------ sleet and God knows whatever other white !*!@# fell last night. Can't move my f------ toes, its so cold. I'm due in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick Haven't seen the sun for five weeks. Minus 20degrees, and more f------ snow forecast!!! 1st December F--- this!! We're moving back to London .

Somewhat appropriate this week???? A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault". "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied. "Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me". "Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg". "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

same thing

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the Australian Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra . A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Yea some pics please

One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire started Inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.' But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them. Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes. The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal firefighters. A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?' 'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de first ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat farkin old truck, eh!!'

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pxxxxd Off" to "Let's get the Bxxxxxds". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides". The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case". Canada doesn't have any alert levels because everyone is high and can't be bothered. New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled" So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The First Christmas Joke - and it's Scottish.......... A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough". "Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her". Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this". She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!â€and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

TOUGH TIMES AHEAD This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar warned Australia that if military action against Iraq & Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Australia's supply of Convenience Store managers, and if this action does not yield Sufficient results, Cab Drivers will be next, followed by Telstra Customer Service Reps, Dole Office Workers, Telemarketers and finally, Queensland Doctors. THIS IS GETTING UGLY, FOLKS!!!!!!

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike!' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!' 'Jason is on his skate board! After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

Yes Yes and Yes to that Monsta.

Well done mate and good luck.

I am looking outa my compy room window now and i can't see any snow...