Brian Cross

Broccoli Casserole

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for

Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is

very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks

to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas

pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other

choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a

dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the !*!@# .

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her

boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been

snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather

stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came

across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the

pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder

and longerrrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A

few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.

This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

'Skippy, get away from her, before she shxxts on you!'

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The room was full of pregnant women with their partners ... the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room,"and Gentlemen, please remember -- you're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yesâ€, answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?â€

---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught

Stuff Sharia Law! It's not wanted in the UK! Get back to when you do wrong you get punished not rewarded. Bloody good for nothing do-gooders

Same here Merlin bloody do-gooders ........

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a

sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's

farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the

word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City

and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well,

That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she

had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word

'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but

her txxs are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

It is sometimes normal business practice to open a new venture with more staff than would be normally required to operate it , that way you can cut out any personnel that may not make the grade,it may seem harsh but you end up with good quality people you need to run a successful pub/restaurant. I was in the hospitality industry for almost 20 years so i have some idea.

A true Bundy Rum Fishing Story

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)...Queensland's famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish!

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown (For you overseas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth) with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

British understatement at it's best

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire

length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well

dressed, middle-aged, French woman's female poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular:

'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was

under that dog..

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little

dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!

This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem

to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong

side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

Brian, you can't take the mick out of our sovereign......game old gall that she is.......

No Insult intended just a funny joke

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Tom had been a Public Servant for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Western Australia as far from humanity as

possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking".

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of em!...

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

"More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too"

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..

"I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too!...

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

I think i might order two 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday ??

Its a Bush Python and i wouldn't go near it if they paid me

It's a load of crap whether it's done or not!

Surely it can't be true........

Philippe Petain Typical French leader ?

Is this a load of crap or a done deal

More photo's coming soon!

Sighted on a golf course in (guess where) Aust

must try that one can you put it in the recipe section :dribble:

I don't mind a Bud light occasionally

must try that one can you put it in the recipe section :dribble:

Sure Merlin have you got access to copious amounts of goat droppings preferably Greek mountain goats

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door

Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.

I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and

Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,

Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this.....)

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Does the job though Brian! Eeeerrrrr Brian do you frequently taste fermented goat droppings? It must be an acquired taste :dribble:

OK You have got me Merlin, I once found an old secret Greek recipe on how to ferment Goat droppings and and the age of the brew before you consume it if you follow the directions its absolutely disgusting :whistle:

it wouldn't be would it?

Fosters tastes like fermented goat droppings

The problem is not with the people posting it lies with the people *not* posting.

If your relative does not post and contribute to the site herself how can she complain about the content?

The tools are there for people to use, if they choose not to then there is very little we can do for them.

You are beginning to create a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy Mr Darn. Perhaps your welcomed enthusiasm and positivity for the town could also be directed to it's website?

Well said 4G

What am I missing? why is everyone so negative towards the new owners? the negative tones appears in most of the strings being posted!

I am with you on this one Vic, what is wrong with what sounds like an aggressive new style business for Bedlington, and where is the problem in a 0500 start if you get a job..........Breakfasts at 0700 Great.

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room

and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Barbara Moore stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Dave, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Dave must have experienced.

"Dave was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Dave's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Dave.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Dave is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Dave Moore." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

I'm in will you send a free bus ? :dribble: