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Brian Cross

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Everything posted by Brian Cross

  1. Brian Cross
    I'm in will you send a free bus ? :dribble:
  2. Brian Cross
    Well said Pete, I am British and i live on the other side of the water.
  3. Brian Cross
    John, a lifelong white raicist living in the East End of London is in a major car crash. When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says: "I've got good news and bad news.....Bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood" John screams "What the !*!@# is the good news then?" "Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list"
  4. Brian Cross
    This is an outrageously Australian joke! A Northern Territory Station hand radios back to the Station owner. 'Hey Boss, this is Jackie Jack here at the Number three bore - I gotta hell'uva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my Ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.' The Station owner says, 'Ok, Jackie Jack there's a ....303Rifle behind the seat. Take it; shoot the pig in the head and then you'll be able to remove him without him moving all over the place and squealing' Five minutes later Jackie Jack calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the Bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'. Now what's the problem?' raged the Station owner. 'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck on and the bike is still under the right-front wheel arch.' Silence. 'You there Boss?' Booooss, Boooooss!!!!
  5. Brian Cross
    THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR PARTNERS. THE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING. THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATH PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY. SHE SAID "LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU. WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!" JUST TAKE SEVERAL STOPS AND STAY ON A SOFT SURFACE LIKE GRASS OR A PATH. SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER -- YOU'RE IN THIS TOGETHER --- IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER." THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION. THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND. "YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER. "I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?"
  6. Brian Cross
    A stark naked, drunken Australian woman, jumped into a vacant taxi in down town New Delhi. The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. "What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?†"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from". "Well if you're not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?" "Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."
  7. Brian Cross
    When i am home i love a pint in the tavern, come to think of it i love pint anywhere i was in Auckland NZ on the weekend and i sampled a pint or two the Steinlager is excellent.
  8. Brian Cross
    Something i dont understand is apparently all the countries of the world are broke (except China) where is all the money being borrowed from to bolster economies .........
  9. Brian Cross
    A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course. A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's !*!@# an pish!' The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?' The groundskeeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!'
  10. Brian Cross
    Feral cats are an ecological disaster in some parts of Aust. I remember the army was sent into an area that was infested with these animals and they shot 900 cats in an unbelievably small area possibly 2 sq miles, i am sure its not the animals fault but its humans dumping kittens in the bush where they go wild to survive.
  11. Brian Cross
    Who is this Diana Pete is she a sporting sort of girl .........all oiled up and all
  12. Brian Cross
    do you think it would be O.K to use your own shotgun on the safari Merlin
  13. Brian Cross
    Ta Mal that's now very clear to me :blink:
  14. Brian Cross
    Thats it Pete broon ale will do it all the time.
  15. Brian Cross
    We get reusable bags here too but they are lot smaller than the ones you get in the U.K you would be lucky to get three loaves of bread in them and they cost 99cents.
  16. Brian Cross
    Ta Merlin....
  17. Brian Cross
    I will look forward to that one Merlin
  18. Brian Cross
    I have been told the Ridge Farm is closing and reopening as a Indian any truth.
  19. Brian Cross
    O.K just one more.. Interesting piece of history In 1872 the Kiwi's invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder. In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.
  20. Brian Cross
    sorry lads i will stop for a while its just my twisted sense of humor
  21. Brian Cross
    Two Little Boys After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic. 'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asked as she spoke in anger. 'We were just playing 'Church' mommy,' he said. 'I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'
  22. Brian Cross
    Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!
  23. Brian Cross
    Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.' Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine , you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.' Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.' 'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.' After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine .. 'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine , and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.' 'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine .. 'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done !*!@# all but moan since you've been here.'
  24. Brian Cross
    A doctor from Israel says, "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work." The German doctor comments, "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." A Russian doctor says, "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The U.S. doctor answers immediately, "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us... in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now... the whole country is looking for work."
  25. Brian Cross
    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, Wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still Heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure . A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my Testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles Black?' Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment And sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and His testicles in the other, lifting and moving them Around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's Nothing wrong with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and Says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen Very, very closely..... . ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ?
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