Brian Cross

QUICKIES

Low Battery
A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.

Government Survey
A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the missus look like she's moving during intercourse.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right.. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $2.50/min (charges may vary).

Valentine's Day
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.

Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him England.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.



 

A Kiwi and an Aussie go to a pastry shop.
The Kiwi knocks off three biscuits, placing them into his pocket with such speed the baker doesn't notice.
The Kiwi says to the Aussie:   "You'll never beat that!"
The Aussie says to the Kiwi:  "Watch and learn!"
He says to the baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the biscuit which the Aussie promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker:  "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again:  "Give me one more biscuit."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Australian eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and yells:  "Where's your famous magic trick?"
The Australian says:   "Look in the Kiwi's pocket! "

Happy Australia day lads 'n lasses i know you eill all be celebrating

Looks good, miss my Greggs pasties and sausage rolls.

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet
Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.." And he points
to a ladder that Rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs
the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets
another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder
and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another
man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever
higher..
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and
repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from
all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, God."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!!"

Too many XXXX i meant to write (all the Best) sorry mate          

All the beast to 3G and Alison

Seasons greetings to all my pals on BF and all the best for the coming New Year

I'll see if I can get some pics for our ex-pat community........

Thanks mate that would be appreciated...........

Mal you know what a great man once said .....you can keep some of the people happy for some of the time

                                                                         but you can't keep all of the people happy all of the time

                                                                         cheers Brian

Subject:  Glasgow characters

 

Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:

 

"Two Soups" his real name is Campbell Baxter.

 

"The Colostomy" - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

 

"The Boomerang Kid" - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: ' I'll get back to you on that. '

 

"The Parachute" - lets everyone down at the last minute.

 

"Vaseline" - his real name is Willie Burns.

 

"Rembrandt" - loves saying to colleagues: ' Let me put you in the picture...'

 

"Bo Derek" - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

 

"The Genie" - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

 

"Dulux" - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

 

"Soapy" - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

 

"The Yeti" - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy,

but nobody can prove he actually exists.

 

"The Gas Man" - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

 

"The Hostage" - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

 

"The Olympic Flame" - he never goes out!

Another one is Blister .........shows up when the works done

 

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

 

The woman said she would try her best.

 

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on..

 

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."

 

"They don't like that in heaven",

 

said God........

 

       

 

The woman replied: "

 And they're not too happy about it in IKEA either!"

 

loved it

 

Have a gudun Keefy ol' fella

My gripe is with those folk who intentially make themselves fat by consuming all the pies;  why should they suck-up a disproportionate amount of funding because of their vice?

Pies pies whats wrong with pies they are healthy for you arn't they

Thanks for the snow ggg ?

Freezing here too down to 34 yesterday sorry guys

Mine is a 1989 Harley Heritage i have had it from new

Killed and roasted my first quail last night ........delicious

i have never seen them for sale in this country i wish i could      

Didn't win win at least i got my outlay back with a third placed Who shot the barman. Hope they get a replacement barkeep in my local tonight

Has anyone noticed the improvement to the windows in The Clayton Pub What adifference.

Have they got rid of 'em (windows)

I would go for Tartan as the worst beer - but a bottle of Export for the best beer. Remember them from the Terrier, Tony, when Vic & Vi had it.

i go with Keith on tartan but over here Toohey's new gives me a whoppin head ache in the morning

Happy Birthday 4G

21/24 reasonable for a Aust based Brit  

Do we watch it in real time or is there a delay ?