Brian Cross

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales , Wales you bloody idiot!"

Therefore, I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

Happy Birthday Mal with many more to look forward too mate 

Ahkmed the Arab came to England from the
Middle East , and he was only here a few months
when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said,
'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room,
poop in de bucket, pee on de poop,
and den put your head down over de bucket
and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room,
pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop,
bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said,
'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor said, 'You were homesick.'

I   PLAY GOLF ON FRIDAYS!

Ellen  and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25  years of  marriage.

When  asked what the problem was, Ellen went into  a  passionate, painful
tirade  listing every problem they had ever had  in the 25 years they had  been married.
 
She  went  on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,   loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry  list  of unmet needs she had endured  over the course of their   marriage.

Finally,   after allowing this to go on for a  sufficient length of  time,  the  therapist got up, walked  around the desk and  after asking Ellen to   stand,  embraced her, unbuttoned  her blouse and bra, put his hands on   her  breasts and  massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her  passionately as  her  husband Bob watched with a raised  eyebrow!

Ellen  shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly  sat down while  basking in the glow
of being highly  aroused.
The therapist  turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your  wife needs at least  three times a week.
Can you do  this?'

Bob thought for a  moment and  replied,

'Well,  I can drop her off here on Mondays   and Wednesdays,
but   on Fridays, I  play golf."

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
 
 
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
 
 
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you."
 
 
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.    Please advise."

What is happening with the Scottish referendum about leaving the Union,is it a concern or doesn't any one give monkeys ?

Brilliant Malcolm a must watch thanks

As You Mature,

It's The Little Things That Don't Seem To Matter As Much As They used To!

This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

I mean, when you are over sixty, who gives a shit?

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?

I got caught taking a piss in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?

I went to the pub last night and saw an obese chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs."

She giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Honestly, when you are over sixty, who really gives a shit?

At a local bar in downtown Powell River,

Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for Australian Tax Office."

An old bloke, about 65, got a job interview. The personnel officer asked him "what is your greatest weakness"? The old bloke replied " my honesty."

The personnel officer said "I don't think that is a weakness". The old bloke replied

"I don't give a f**k what you think."

AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD
> MULE. THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER
> PARCHED THROAT.
>
> SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE
> STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A
> YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND
> A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
>
>
> THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING
> "HEY" OLD WOMAN HAVE YOU EVER DANCED"
>
>
> THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER
> DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
>
> A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL,
> YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD
> WOMAN'S FEET.
>
> THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF
> -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
>
> WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL
> LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE
> SALOON.
>
> THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A
> DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
>
> THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE
> CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
>
> THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND
> VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
>
> THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN
> AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
>
> THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S
> HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?
>
> THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE
> ALWAYS WANTED TO."
>
> THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:
>
> 1 - Never be arrogant..
> 2 - Don't waste ammunition.
> 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
> 4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
> 5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...
>
> I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Hi Tony P

Bugs are delicious also known as Morton Bay bugs they are similar in texture and taste to a Lobster

some times they are boiled until cooked some people do them in a seafood sauce but any way way you

will like them i am sure Brisbane is nice and Scarbourgh is a nice suburb.

'Your house!

Stay safe Vic i hope the worst is over

Pork "drippin†cold was also well liked! the brown bit had the most flavour!

Fry-up is is a Sunday night favourite here Tonyp!

I'm with you Vic

Beef or pork they both made the most delicious dip

They are well fed almost full size (around 485 grms) and the first batch of eggs are due out of the incubator  to-day

The sugar in newspaper resembling a small hat

Any idea of the year Maggie ?

My Grandad Albert Moore Gibbon was killed six days before this war finished

near a town in France named Awoight and he is buried in the British cemetary there

Have a good'un Adam 

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
>
>A young Aussie  lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking  for a job.
>
>The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young  man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home  in Dubbo.'
>
>The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
>
>His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
>
>After the store was locked up, the  manager came
down and asked, 'OK, so how many  sales did you make today?'
>
>The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and  continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average  20 or 30 sales a day.
>
>How much was the sale for? '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed,‣124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
>
>'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
>
>'Then I asked  him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
>and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
>
>'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4.
>
>The manager, incredulous, said,  'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
>
>'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said, ' Well, since your weekend's buggered,  you might as
well go fishing.'

Scamchuns or Scratchings all the same delicious when you a hungry kid ................

Blaze away, is the tune I remember Canny lass!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HafJUfdwujY

Sorry HPW i forgot to include the Tune

I can remember my Granma putting words to this tune;

Al of a sudden a big black puddin went flying thru the air

it missed me Mutha and hit me Fatha and knocked him

off his chair............................ and so on