Brian Cross
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Posts posted by Brian Cross
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AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD
> MULE. THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER
> PARCHED THROAT.
>
> SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE
> STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A
> YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND
> A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
>
>
> THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING
> "HEY" OLD WOMAN HAVE YOU EVER DANCED"
>
>
> THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER
> DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
>
> A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL,
> YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD
> WOMAN'S FEET.
>
> THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF
> -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
>
> WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL
> LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE
> SALOON.
>
> THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A
> DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
>
> THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE
> CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
>
> THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND
> VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
>
> THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN
> AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
>
> THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S
> HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?
>
> THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE
> ALWAYS WANTED TO."
>
> THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:
>
> 1 - Never be arrogant..
> 2 - Don't waste ammunition.
> 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
> 4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
> 5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...
>
> I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU? -
Bugs
in Chat Central
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?*
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .'The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,..........'Your house!
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THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
>
>A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
>
>The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
>
>The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
>
>His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
>
>After the store was locked up, the manager came
down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
>
>The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
>
>How much was the sale for? '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed,‣124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
>
>'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
>
>'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
>and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
>
>'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4.
>
>The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
>
>'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said, ' Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as
well go fishing.' -
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Sorry HPW i forgot to include the Tune
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Duz tha speak Yorkshire?Police have just released details of a new drug crazethat is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have startedinjecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum".............................................................................A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.Yorkshireman:"Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."Vet: "Is it a tom?"Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."............................................................................A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was afavourite pet he decides to have a gold statuemade by a jeweller to remember the dog by.Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statueof yon dog?"Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a boneyer daft bugger!".............................................................................The last is always bestBloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
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Edited by Brian Cross
To-day is Anzac day i didn't make the dawn service but one of my sons did.
They went with songs to the battle, they were young.
Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.
They mingle not with their laughing comrades again;
They sit no more at familiar tables of home;
They have no lot in our labour of the day-time;
They sleep beyond England's foam
Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)
in Chat Central
An old bloke, about 65, got a job interview. The personnel officer asked him "what is your greatest weakness"? The old bloke replied " my honesty."
The personnel officer said "I don't think that is a weakness". The old bloke replied
"I don't give a f**k what you think."