Malcolm Robinson

A tourist visiting a far away country in the heart of god knows where walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Police Sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Traffic Patrol monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash, handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be £5,000 please Sergeant" The Sergeant paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is a qualified breath test operator, can write twenty tickets a week, can deploy Stinger at a moments notice, knows all there is to know on traffic legislation and is authorised by the Chief of Police in pursuit driving - well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That ones even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that ones a firearms training monkey , it can instruct other monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter Terrorism Training, Physical Training, Small Unit Tactics and investigative techniques, and even type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist turned and saw another monkey, with the price tag of £15,000. "That one must be even better? What does it do?" That one is a general duties monkey, he is required to know everything about anything, be there yesterday, and then duplicate the information 12 times before tomorrow, relay the same information to 20 different departments, write reports about everything that the old monkeys cant see anymore, be in 5 different places at once, get yelled at by everyone who passes by, and takes the blame for everything all the other monkeys do wrong." The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey in a cage of it's own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything yet, but it says it's a Detective!"

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you f#??*@! asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!" Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by His old mate. Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the Enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've Changed." ... ... ... ... ... ... "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Me too, thought this might have something to do with it........ http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm

Oh dear........

Clockwise for me too!

For a start your local councillor, MP and even MEP. these are the people charged with representing your views, it is their JOB, it is what they are being PAID to do! How you do it is another thing...........but you will get more results doing it publicly and with some support! Any questions in mind Mr O?

As I understand it local bylaws are mostly put into place by council so maybe a quest in that direction might be more rewarding?

Try this, http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/stor...ml?from=mostpop

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story." The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story." As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned. The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?" "No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of immigrants, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!"

I am looking to build a bread oven and as Hollymout said there are loads of plans and specs on a google search.

I can emphasise with you Merlin but instead of getting despondent get even, do something about it, it’s the society you belong to which is being ripped apart so you do have a right to hold people to account and ask the awkward questions!

The form books might say that but it will be down to who has the biggest heart, coz it looks like it will be a grulling game this afternoon!

“I thought a super council was one huge council not lots of little constituencies” All political hierarchies are made up of smaller constituents the theory being you elect a “local” person to represent your views. Course the bigger the institution and the smaller the constituency the less likely your views will be heard! That is why it is imperative to meet and talk to the person you elect rather than elect based on what colour rosette they wear! “Who’s hair brain idea was this anyway?” As far as I can tell it came from central Gov and is supported by the chief Exec of NCC. “Makes you wonder why we bother to vote if this is the mess they make!” Don’t it just! The question was asked and the majority voted against this idea but here we see it being implemented. Why bother to hold a token play of democracy if the result is matterless and the changes will go ahead regardless? As for costs it is supposed to save money so the first question should be how much will it save and when can I expect a corresponding decrease in my community charge? The answer will be never because of the increasing financial burden of civil servant pensions on ratepayers! They have tackled that one recently, much to the chagrin of some civil servants, instead of a length of service, in years, being the determining factor for pensionable age they have now made it a set age figure per person. So instead of being able to retire with an index linked pension in their early 50’s some will have to work until they reach 60 or even 65 yrs old and that might even go upwards like the rest of us! The PR for these changes says it will bring local government closer to the people but looking at the proposals only the very insignificant stuff will have any local control over it with any significant control over larger questions being even less accessible than now!

It looks like Bedlington will be split into two constituencies (east and west) with Stakeford and Choppington forming one as far as the County council is concerned. More locally parish/town councils are proposed and will include various community groups. Is this good news?

Might also have something to do with end prices, seeing as we expect good quality food at a rock bottom price! (Or we are led to believe that is what it is anyway!) If end prices are capped, say by a supermarket telling a producer how much they will pay for his/her produce, then the only thing left for this business to play with is to cut overheads, and the biggest one is usually wages. So monsta if you want a decent wage, in this context, would you pay double for your food say or maybe even more and if you did aren't we back to square one, albeit without the cheap labour. It is a problem all mature western economies have faced, stop cheap imports and try to protect the jobs you have or embrace the global economy and open your frontiers, all the while hopeing the displaced indiginous people find alternative employment.

A brilliant parody on religion!

Ok monsta but are you going to go fruit and veg picking for the minimum wage? It is really a self fulfilling prophesy; people get despondent with politicians and refuse to vote, the politicians call it “voter apathy” so we end up with an autocratic government elected by a minority of the populous and so can ride roughshod over the majority views with impunity! Minorities HAVE to make themselves heard and one way is to make sure they have votes which the politicians “pay” for once in power. The easiest remedy would be if everyone votes then we would get a truly representative government for the majority. In my book that would be democracy not the travesty we see now! When was the last time any MP held a public meeting to canvass the views of his/her electorate and act on them, something which they are charged to do? Interesting documentary last night, Ministry of Truth, MP’s have no legal obligation to tell the truth! If we cannot trust them to tell us the truth why should we vote for them, would seem the common thinking? Very simple way to check it out just put another box on the ballot papers entitled…….”NONE OF THE ABOVE” then we can see if it is apathy or just mistrust! This is all taken to the enth degree in the Euro Parliament which is seen as too remote by the electorate but which in reality could easily have more power over our lives than national government. Given the impending implementation of a “Constitution” ( they will not call it that but it really is and I would support it if it was done properly with due consultation and then a referendum not least because we would have some citizen rights at last!) we will see more and more Euro directives on our statue books. That is going to happen and given the political structures in Europe we can expect more and more stupid “banana laws” for the reason given in the second paragraph. That isn’t a reason for GB not to be in the European Union but it does need sorting out. The beaurocratic mess which was the EU with a handful of member states is now a nightmare with so many members all trying to promote their various national minority interests and in many cases getting away with it!

Most of the other nationals I speak to say the same thing Merlin so maybe it shouldn’t be France/German etc takeover but some sort of quasi autocratic EU parliament which is to blame. The thing which annoys me is that GB beats itself over the back with a stick to implement EU laws and directives, well some of them as long as they don’t extend rights to citizens, while at the same time other countries ignore the same rules citing national interest for turning a blind eye! Like MP’s we have to get hold of these MEP’s and make them listen to what WE want for our society and the future for our kids! You can see the way the EU parliament works by looking at Westminster where a handful of people lay down a blueprint for what they want and the rest HAVE to get onboard or face being moved from their prestige jobs! Look at what is happening in the political arena of Northumberland now! It is not democracy but it does begin with a “D”!

I think game designers should stop trying to be hard , if they'd really seen death first hand I dont think they be trying that hard to re create it for the mass consumption - of people who dont really know who they are yet. Off course thats just my opinion No it isn't!

Press Release International Rugby Board (IRB) Rugby World Cup 2007 Following complaints to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2007 Organizing Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays: 1) The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, but no one appreciates them. 2) The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before each of them smash a bottle of beer over their opponents' heads. 3) The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents' dressing room. 4) Unfortunately the Committee was unable to accept the Welsh proposal to form a choir and sing Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual". 5) Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition's territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and have to be forcibly removed by the match stewards. 6) Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts. These two will then go about selecting the best parts of the pitch to settle on and claim that they have been there for centuries. 7) The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a blockbuster film called 'Saving Flanker Ryan'. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom. 9) The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female officials and then prepare pasta dishes, which they will flog to the crowd for a fortune. 10) The Japanese will shock fans buy demonstrating how to capture a whale for scientific research by harpooning an opposition prop. 11) The French won't have a pre-match display and will simply hide in fear in the dressing room for the whole match. 12) The Australians will have a BBQ on their side of the field and invite the opposition over before the game. The food and alcohol will be in abundance and by the start of the game no-one will remember what they came to the stadium for. After some streaking, the singing of dirty songs and the occasional chunder everyone will go home thoroughly convinced it was a bloody good night. 13) The Moroccan team will quietly pray during the first half and then launch suicide attacks against the opposition after the break. Unfortunately, this strategy works well for the first game only, after which Morocco is forced to withdraw from the Rugby World Cup due to lack of players. 14) Samoa will prepare a huge feast in the middle of the pitch by digging a large hole and filling it with burning embers. They invite the opposition over by saying, "We'd like to have you for dinner". It's only when the opposition get to the pit that they realize there is no meat and that they are the dinner! Hopefully, with these policies now in place, further problems in this area of the game should cease to exists. Regards, Syd Miller IRB Chairman THE INTERNATIONAL RUGBY BOARD Huguenot House 35-38 St Stephen's Green Dublin 2 Ireland

All the best GGGG.

Happy birthday..........hope you enjoy.