Malcolm Robinson

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called"pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it wouldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result.. the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a Flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers. The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?" The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. . "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

"Wall*Mart has only been part of ASDA for less than a decade, when they bought the company and the trading name when ASDA was about to go bust a while back." Was it about to go bust? Didn't know that, I thought Archie was held up as the shining example of caring capitalism even being tipped as a future PM after he became a Tory party adviser and MP.

Don't know how to monsta, just playing..... Old Biker A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: £1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: £2.50 HANDJOB: £10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Firstly in order to get dole money the person has to attend a Goverment run factory and work 5 x 8 hour shifts. There would be a creche to look after their kids here and the product would be irrelevant. This is the suff of a 40's 50's satirical SF novel. Personally I don't think we are too far away from that now it just takes a nudge over into a full Nanny State dreamt up by some of our beloved politicians! Secondly prisons are full, expensive to run, and far too soft. Contract them out to foreign countries and pay them to house our scum. Tried that, we call it Australia!

To paraphrase the guy seems, "A sophistical rhetorican, inebrieted with the exuberance of his own verbosity"

DIRE!

You are Colonel John "HANNIBAL" Smith. Preferred him as Banacek.

Is this monsta?????????? (only for the zealots!) http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=418_1176494781

I guess its back to innuendo then........ I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly, undressed, slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?" I still don't know if she was joking...

Might be a bit rude? Anyone been to any of these places? Arsoli (Lazio, Italy) Bastard (Norway) Beaver (Oklahoma, USA) Beaver Head (Idaho, USA) Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK) Chinaman's !*!@# (Australia) Climax (Colorado, USA) !*!@# (Spain) Cunter (Switzerland) Dikshit (India) Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada) Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border) Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic) Effin (Limerick, Ireland) Fuku (Shensi, China) Fukue (Honshu, Japan) Fukui (Honshu, Japan) Fukum (Yemen) Hold With Hope (Greenland) Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA) Lickey End (West Midlands, UK) Little Dix Village (West Indies) Lord Berkeley's !*!@# (Sutherland, Scotland) Middle Intercourse Island (Australia) Muff (Northern Ireland) Nobber (Donegal, Ireland) Pis Pis River (Nicaragua) Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines) Seymen (Turkey) Shafter (California, USA) Shag Island (Indian Ocean) Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK) Tittybong (Australia) Tong !*!@# (Japan) Turdo (Romania) !*!@# (Orkney, UK) !*!@# (Germany) Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany) Wankener (India) Wankie (Zimbabwe) Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe) !*!@# River (Nicaragua) Wankum (Germany) Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." He never heard the shot....

Will someone remind me NEVER to click a HP link again!!!!!!!!!!!! A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

HP, Have you read Fahrenheit 451 I bet the same reasons would have been used!

Local council or not, will we ever see any change? Will it really make a difference? Blank, we will see a change straight away as the vast majority of councillors are made redundant. Yes I know that ain’t such a bad thing but there will probably be one “real” councillor for the whole of Bedders so how will you find them. Will they belong to one political party thereby alienating them from the majority? You will have to vote for them so there will have to be an election and as we have been grossly underrepresented at both district and county levels for years how will getting rid of 90% of our representatives help in that respect. The list could go on and that is just one small side issue; more importantly how will moving a lot of service departments 100’s of miles away help? Yes it might save a few bob in the short term but how will local people who are supposed to be served by them access them, you won’t be able to go to the Bedlington council offices, they are to be sold! So changes, yes from the word go, you will have to change how you pay and access local government. As for a local council you can see that campaign has started! The nub of the problem is, what will it be in charge of and will it be cost effective? It could easily be another layer of local tax for something which is, to all extents, valueless as far as the vast majority are concerned. Pete, the older I get the more suspicious I become of all politicians. As far as I am concerned the country is not the democratic utopia so many of our fore-fathers died trying to protect, it is becoming an Orwellian nightmare and we only have ourselves to blame! We now have full-time politicians, it is the only job they have ever had, so they have no real world experience as they have been wrapped up in their own cosseted existence! In times past they were the products of “rotten boroughs” where someone who wanted to be an MP or whatever could buy his seat, haven’t times changed, or not when we see central party candidates imposed on constituencies! Somehow the democratic ideals we are supposed to hold so close to our hearts have been usurped by a dictatorial style of government and we have let them get away with it because of a sense of apathy! Their only job is to facilitate and implement the will of their electorate, that has been callously changed into; you do what we tell you to do, in the best traditions of Animal Farm and 1984, which lets remember were written as satires on Stalinist Russia not Blair/Brown’s Britain!

Ahh,ha........ its nice to put a face to a name! Chio bambino!

Thanks very much people, the ales on me!

Many thanks Cympil.......... yes the dementia is approaching, Now who's birthday was it today?

Malcilom: At age 95 you will die from wounds delivered by a blender after trying to make your sixteenth magarita of the day. (And it's on 3:00pm, shame on you!) Sounds good to me!

The Mailman's Last Day It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him into the house and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she made the most passionate lovemaking he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. Then she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to do? He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar!" The blonde then said brightly, "The breakfast was my idea!"

Looking at the proposals for the new soopa coouncil for Northumberland anyone else get a tingling down the back of your neck. Selling off local assets, moving services 250 miles away, 100's if not 1000's of redundencies, decimating local representation and the list goes on. Now I am all for change but the changes I would like to see should be made to empower local people not take it away! Never thought I would say this but I might even start to support WDC remaining! One question remains unanswered, and I have asked it time and time again, just who the hell is making these decisions? If it is the CEO of NCC then he could be sacked, the elected officers have a mandate off the people seeing as 55% of "us" voted against a single authority for the county. As yet there are only very sketchy details about how communities like Bedlington will operate once these changes go ahead, my view is that if all is going to be as good as we are led to believe then everyone would have been told just how they would benifit, someone would be after brownie points! At the moment this stinks, someone somewhere is laying down this blueprint without any public consultation (see comments by councillors in this weeks Leader) and in this day and age that should be verboten, punishable by public flogging! Merlin's wall might have to be extended considerably!