Malcolm Robinson

Not really jokes as such but amusing and true! Zen Sarcasm 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tyre. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same day.

monsta, who said break dancing all I was saying is that they could have been "made" in a variety of poses and expressions reflecting a better image of Newbiggin and the surrounding area and the spirit enshrined within. They do look a little sombre and it will suprise no one when parallels are drawn to the indiginous people of that area! The platform should make it last a bit longer if the experts (the great and the good!) are right about a 5 metre rise in sea levels in the next few years, course they might be standing half a mile out to see by then!

She is either wearing a thong or those supposildly feminine boxers! High band knickers would leave a line on the top of her butt cheeks and normal ones would leave a line across the bottom, or so I have been told! Course if she bent down with a thong on we would see the most ridiculous and stomach churning sight in female lingerie! Joking aside they could have been "posed" in a much more exciting stance, they just look mesmerised.

I think she has a nice backside but did she really have to wear a thong and why has the guy got a flat cap on? Is it supposed to be representational of Newbiggin folk or what? Bit like the "Angel" the subject matter might have been a bit different but at least something is there for the world to see.

The other man! Today at 9:17am after a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it. "Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. Another boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all, she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. " That's me 6 months ago"

One morning, a man approached the first tee on his golf course, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together. After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat. "What do you do?" the first man asked. "I'm a salesman. What about you?" "I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man. The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued, "Yeah, I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived. Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here." The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?" "Gray." Then he asked "What colour siding?" "Yellow." "You got a silver Toyota?" "Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car." "That your red pickup next to it?" Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?" The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond and your buddy got black hair?" The man nodded. "Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman. "Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!" The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid £5,000 per shot." "I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, and shoot him in the balls." The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy, this is your lucky day. I think I can save you £5,000!"

Baptising an Irishman A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into thepreacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No,oi I haven't found Jesus By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, Are you sure dis is where he fell in?"

Pete, "Malcolm, why don't you stand for election,.." Thanks for the kind words but as I said before I am now relegated, for several reasons, to the ranks of the very people I object to, the ones who have so much to say but don't actually do anything! Yes I have a rant at WDC and the councillors who I believe have let Bedlington down badly, but to give them their due at least they have the maracas to stand up and put their name on the dotted line and that cannot be easy especially when a few have had windows put out on their houses for being councillors! So I respect them for doing the job but I don't regard some of their decisions as sane, never mind anything else! Mr Darn, "This is the problem, many people go for it, only to find once they are in the position they thought they needed to be in to change things, they find either the position is not high enough or the funds just ain't there." At least we are discussing a subject which is regarded as insignificant by many but which in reality touches everyone in the town. From kids going to school to old people's homes, and most things in-between, it is the political arena where the strings are pulled and decisions which effect us all are made Yes, people with the best will in the world get elected only to find that once they understand the system and become part of it, realise they cannot just have their particular pet project pushed to the fore, and a myriad of other things have to be assessed first. My main gripe here is that party politics get in the way and things are considered for political expediency and not on their merit. Yes WDC has been a whipping post for the people of Bedlington for a very long time, but in my opinion so richly deserved! As for the community centre and gold club, for hells sake put the sales off, even for 6-9 months, just so you can see the way the land lies or once again we might see Bedlington local assets sold and the money disappear into the coffers of a different authority! (I bet the money councillor Devon (Leader of WDC) was in the press recently saying was coming to Bedders get's sidetracked, and I know people that are trying their best to ring fence it!) Pete, "Why can't we have a common sense party and not a collection of MP's that are cleaver talkers but do nothing except listen to the minority." Cannot do a "common sense party" because political dogma gets in the way. If an idea emanates from the opposition party say, then it is dismissed however much sense it makes. That is a real problem because as far as I can see if an idea makes sense, it makes sense and only fools would dismiss it! The minority get their way because they are usually vocal and active and in the present political structure that will always get points. Unless and until we debate things through thoroughly as a society we cannot hope to reach truly democratic decisions. Mr Darn, " the front street? why would anyone pay more for a small buisnesses product when they can get it cheeper?" It isn't as simple as that. First you have to decide if you want a commercial heart to the town and if you do then paying a penny or two more for locally available goods is the price you have to pay (given the parameters of your quote). I don't necessarily believe everything has to be dearer as you should only compare like for like and when that is done extra things come into the equation, like transport and ease of collection etc. For my money I always thought the future of small retail outlets in small towns would be in niche markets and bringing them together in pleasant surroundings so the customers of one become the passing trade of others. "seriously tho, this is just the place for just such a debate, and its being wasted!" No it isn't, it might be better supported with more contributors but it is a start. You are talking about a subject which is supposed to be stale and people ambivalent about, yet here we have several contributors expressing their views adroitly, and obviously strongly held views, even monsta! The usual disclaimers apply!

Getting back to topic looks like WDC will be no more after March next year, but then I guess everyone will know that after being consulted about any change, seeing as it represents a fundamental shift in local democracy! If the MP's are not happy about the change and the only person crowing about it is the chief exc of NCC and it failed the public vote just who is putting it into action and more to the point why? Merlin, I see Newbiggin has put in to become a Parish council, I have no doubt Bedlington will do the same but a word of advice, look for the hidden agenda with the people that propose it!!!!

And I thought we might be getting somewhere monsta! So you complain there is nothing "put on" in the town of interest to you; you wont get involved to put something on and your only suggestion of something to put on is a free beer tent. With a résumé like that you should have no trouble getting elected to council!

Monsta, It depends on what you want to “put on” but in my experience the most important person is the one with the original idea! Normally, if it is sizable, you would get together with some other like minded people and give each a separate responsibility, one could deal with council, once could do the promotion work etc… and someone in the centre to bring it all together. It does require effort, even the smallest event, so don’t knock anyone for something they organise which has no interest to you personally, rather applaud their initiative and hard work.

Try this out folks.......... http://cunning.devstars.co.uk/hangman_popup.php From the cut'n'paste king!!!!!

Simple answer monsta, get something creative organised and put on!

A bloke walks into the local benefit office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing benefits. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom flat above the garage. The starting salary is £200,000 a year". The bloke says, "You're kidding me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it! 1. This is this cat 2. This is is cat 3. This is how cat 4. This is to cat 5. This is keep cat 6. This is an cat 7. This is old cat 8. This is fart cat 9. This is busy cat 10. This is for cat 11. This is forty cat 12. This is seconds cat Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down, and I betcha you can't resist passing it on

Don't quite remember the 20's! As for leisure centres, they all have one inherant problem, it costs "ratepayers" to keep them open, almost none make their running costs! Swimming baths are an even bigger drain on the community pot. So before anyone gets too carried away by talk of a leisure facility in the town find out how it will be paid for, running costs that is, capital costs are another thing and there are funding bodies out there who will probably fund the bulk of the build! I don't see why, with a bit of imagination and acumen applied, some sort of self funding multi facility cannot be the way forward. Oh and by the way, rememeber, the community centre is for sale and the golf club,(both got Bedlington in their titles!) now I wonder where that money might go.......Might even be better to put those sales off until we see how the land lies, politically speaking that is!

By the time they come to spend any on Bedlington, Ashington might just be part of a different council!

Merlin, Do you know why there has been a push for new houses in Wansbeck as a whole. The money collected in business rates in the area goes down to Whitehall, it is then mixed with tax money and redistributed back to the local councils depending on how many houses they have in their area.(One of the criteria anyway) More houses equels more cash, and obviousley including community charges, so there should be the money for better leisure facilities for the people who inhabit these cash cows! Not many years ago Wansbeck was sending a lot more cash down than it was getting back, the new houses will have redressed that imbalance somewhat but I don't know today's figures. As for where a facility might go, my money would be on the old chestnut of Galagher Park!

Yo bro, normal service resumed on the other board!

Having just come up against another fine example of WDC dismissing needs in Bedlington I need to have a rant! It is nothing major but because it is so paltry in the overall scheme of WDC it only increases the disrespect shown! On another matter WDC should soon be sending out letters to everyone in the town asking questions about leisure facilities, while this might seem to be a step in the right direction I would ask what is the real reason behind it. If WDC is no more in 2009'ish then what hope has anyone got in anything being discussed now actually coming to fruition? You cannot "cost" and "forward plan" if you don't know what situation there will be on the ground! It all smacks of "lip service" being paid because it is too late to actually cost anything! All that money Mr Devon was shouting about in the press a couple of weeks ago which is supposed to be coming to the town had better come pretty dammed quickly! The quicker the subject topic on this thread becomes a reality the better! Rant over.

I know it's an old one but I like to share. CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always great fun. We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem . We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents . We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! PS -The BIG type is because your eyes are shot at your age

Only go here... http://kineticnorth.com/TS/ if you get sarcasm, and it might have a few rude words!

Maybe if I call it "art" or "Health & something" I can sneek it past the mod! Here's one, not really a joke as such........ Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one. Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates. Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon , used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening. Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer. Have you guessed----- . . . . . . . Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt. Candidate B is Winston Churchill. Candidate C is Adolph Hitler. And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you've just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone. Never be afraid to try something new.