keith lockey

As Del boy would say Symptoms, a nice little earner - you can have decorating vouchers but you can only spend them at one shop - owned by my Uncle 'Honest' John. Know what I mean, nudge nudge wink wink . That's the way it seems, anyway.

Three out of four, Malcolm, well done. But no, the fourth isn't Batman. (PS Did you know Soylent Green was Edgar G's last film?) The last one is one of my all time favourite scenes. (I will post the Youtube piece later.) Keep guessing for four, peeps. Now I'm off to do some stripping, catch you all later.

The pleasures of travelling on Arriva; smelly, noisy people, The buses are cold in the winter and hot in the summer. And, of course, you always get the loud one on the mobile phone who thinks everyone on the bus wants to hear about his night out in the Toon. (Isn't it funny how it's always a Cockney or a Yorkshireman!)

Or this one...

As some of you know I am in the process of having my cooncil hoose 'done out'. New kitchens, bathrooms, radiators, windows and uncle Tom Tobly and all. Now the work started on this in the spring in various streets and estates. They started my house in October. We were told we would get vouchers to help with the decorating...great, smashing, super, said all - UNTIL - some people started selling the vouchers for money - so now we have been told we can only spend these vouchers at ONE paint shop - and that is in Newcastle. So once again the majority is being penalized by the actions of the minority. But is it me who is the only one smelling fish in this 'deal'?

OKAY FILM FANS - HERE'S SOMETHING NEW. FOUR SCENES FROM FOUR FILMS - NAME THEM.

WELL DONE MALCOLM ON GETTING THE SCARLET PUMPERNICKEL (?) Now here is your prize. As part of the Performance Using Kinetic Energy (PUKE) I am putting you forward for the Guillotines at Work Project (GAWP). This involves you actually testing old French Revolutionary guillotines in a hands-on manner – or hands off manner if you put them in the wrong place. Your part in this project will be to 'test-drive' old guillotines to see how effective they were. We want someone who is competent and calm and won't lose his head under stressful circumstances. The team has an expert to help you through the scheme and I have enclosed a photograph of her, she comes from the Tricoteuse in Timescale Study. I have forwarded a letter of introduction which you can read in the basket later.

Sink me for a Frenchman, that blaggard Robinson has scuppered my plans again. Well, done Malcolm, a suitable prize is forthcoming after my lunch. (I've been stripping wallpaper all day...nice girl but a strange name.)

Sorry Foxy, the smart money is on this bloke getting it.

OKAY VARMINTS - STAKE A CLAIM ON THESE. AND AH WANT THEIR NAMES CRITTERS

I think it's disgusting that Arriva are discriminating against happy people on their buses. I mean have you seen the sign on their bus panels...SOME PEOPLE ARE GAY...GET OVER IT.

My computer has got dandruff. Anybody got some head and Shoulders?

Nice one Malcolm.

Stew said he had moved to Asherton, Keith. I've sent him some skool fotos and I will put him onto this site. Cheers.

THE INVISIBLE MAN - MEN Dear Malcolm, congratulations on solving my connection before I even had time to watch the first coat dry on my bathroom walls. For being so quick on the draw I have decided to give you a breathtaking prize. In keeping with the Invisible Man theme I am going to make you disappear, Or rather my colleagues the Baddass family are going to do so. They are a small firm, originating in Chicago at the height of the flapper days. The Firm have been making people disappear for a long time now and are quite proficient at it. They are reticent to talk about their methods but I have it on good authority that all they need is a pair of concrete wellies and a deep lake or reservoir. So could you please forward me your boot size, they say this helps move things along quicker if they have the specs'.

OKAY VARMINTS SADDLE UP YOU HOSSES AND GALLOP YOR EYES OVER THESE DUDES

Same year, Malcolm, but two months younger, I taught Archangel Gabriel how to blow his horn...er...I'll rephrase that. As you can see, I've kept my boyish good looks.

All together now....Ra ra Rasputin Russia's greatest love machine.... I will be posting some more later - got the painter in today, the house is nearly finished. (PS. Keith, I've just got a Friend's reunited message off Stew Dobson from school. Can you remember him? Same age as me, 56)

AND HERE IS YOUR FANTASMAGORICAL PRIZE KEITHY WEETHY. Your star prize this time is a fortnight's holiday in the Freeze Your Butt Off Trans-Siberian Gulag. (This may be extended to four years, actually, depending on the political disposition.) The camp itself is situated in the breathtaking wilderness of the Siberian wastes…er...landscape, surrounded by snow, ice, tundra and…more snow, ice and tundra. You will have the sky as your ceiling and permafrost for your bed. The activities at the camp are boundless, varying from cutting down trees – whilst avoiding bears – sawing logs – whilst avoiding wolves – and other such pleasurable pastimes like foraging for food, counting your head-lice and seeing who can loose all their teeth to scurvy first. Your accommodation is seven stars – the Pleiades actually, for that is what you will see through the hole in the roof, if you are lucky to have a roof. You will share your hovel….er…suite with fifty smelly dissidents…er…likewise minded people from various wakes of life. You can sit around the empty grate eating potato peelings or rancid carrots and talk about the old days when you discussed politics in the bar…though I guess that was how many of your fellow prisoners…er…campers got there in the first place. But please don't think of this holiday as a run-of-the-mill outdoor adventure; think of it as a survival course instead and think of the friends you will meet there – Boris the Bear, Amourous Ivan, Sergei the Psychopath. Now wave bye bye to your family and friends and tell your next of kin where your life insurance policy is. But above all do enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime experience – for that is what it probably is. Do svidaniya, comradsky.

YEEEHAH! Rasputin it is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RK9jvK2kGk&feature

Democracy – "….the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.” ~ Oscar Wilde

Brilliant one Malcolm.

YOU VARMINTS ALL GONE TO TEXAS? IF IT'S A CLUE YOU'RE AFTER THEN CAST YOUR MIND BACK TO 1978 MUSIC. Darn bunch of churnheads, been eatin' locoweed agin.

Hi Jeff, yes, other Keith is right, I remember Bill and Anne. Bill actually taught me at evening classes at the Grammer School. Anne used to work at the Northumberland Arms years ago. I never see any of them now I'm afraid.