keith lockey

OKAY, VARMINTS, HERE'S AN EASY ONE.

What a prize I have for you, Malcolm! You will stay in Britain's most haunted house, Mayhem Manor, where Sam the Slasher used to lure unwary travellers to their torture and death. He would promise weary sojourners a warm fireside a hearty meal and a soft bed. But he would secretly lace their hot totties...can I say that?...with a sleeping draught then drag them down to his dungeon. There they would be chained to the wall and be forced to listen to Spandau Ballet records and Wet Wet Wet. Eventually they would beg him to put them out of their misery. This he did by dressing them up in women's basques he bought at Au natural and then he would kill them. The coronors report would always come back the same - died of natural Corsets. Sam died in a freak accident when he got strangled by his loose underwear wrapped in an overhead fan, apparently he got his knickers in a twist. But it is said he can still be seen wandering around the corridors of Mayhem Manor, singing his favourite song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rtkdo7bOmJc&feature=related

GHOSTS! Seriously! You honestly believe the answer is ghosts, Malcolm? I have never ever heard such a pathetic answer in all my days. Ghosts! Ghosts, he says. What if I told you they all missed the 448 bus home from Morpeth on a Friday night; It could be they had one-legged budgies called Sparkie that kept falling off perches; it could be they all had relatives called Uncle Albert and Aunty Betty….er no, EVERYBODY has an Uncle Albert and an Aunty Betty. It could be they all sleep with teddy bears under their duvets; it could be….oh shut up Keith, yes, it's ghosts. As Hot Chocolate sang…So you win again, your prize follows shortly, sigh.

Okay, Varmints, Sam's back with some doozies, so ante up and reed 'em and weep.

Make sure you go before 21st December - that's when Nibiru / Planet X / Nemesis arrives. What a Christmas present! I don't think I'll bother with cards this year.

I was at my bank today and there was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated and she asked the teller... "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Here's a stab in the dark. Is that other one Denver Pyle who starred in Grizzly Adams? Is that the connection - the name Adams?

I actually thought of that, Malcolm, but on closer inspection I don't think it is Christopher Lloyd. John Astin also appeared in a TV series called Evil Roy Slade but I can't make a connection there, either. Adam, is the connection something to do with Carolyn Jones (TV Morticia) & Anjelica Huston (Film Morticia?) ie these two men have been 'married' to them!!!!!! Because I can't recognise this other bloke. (I'll send Yosemite round to your place with his shooting irons if this is too obscure you pesky varmint.)

Hi again Adam, still can't make this other geezer out. How hot / cold am I getting with Edgar Allen Poe - Tales from the crypt what-have-you. Somehow got to Twain's Injun Joe as well, but I think that was the extra glass of wine that did that.

Hi Adam, I know the first one is John Astin and he played Gomez in the Addams family. I can't quite make out the other one but there was a Roul something-or-another who played him in the film version (should have googled it) then I would go for the Addams family - they both played Gomez. Anjelica Huston played his wife.

Getting off Bedlington pubs for a second, I went to Morpeth on the bus the other day and there was the Queen's at Guidepost boarded up; further on at stobhill was the Mucky Duck (Black Swan) boarded up and of course the Old Red Bull Inn at Morpeth bulldozed down. To be honest I have never been in the Queens but what a shame.

Absolutely right, Malcolm. There is just one that stands out and grabs you, isn't there. Now what size of Great White shark do you want? Twenty footer? Thirty footer?

Hoi, Malcolm Robinson, stop pinching my photies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got it bang to rights. It was Anjelica Huston. Now seeing as how it was a Hollywood theme I am going to give you a grand prize. Not only that i am giving you the choice of three options. We are going to realistically recreate three scenes from three films and you are going to act one of them out in real time! And you get to pick which one!!! Here are the three... Quint's death scene from JAWS. Kane's indegestion problem in ALIEN. Burt Lancaster's love scene in FROM HERE TO ETERNITY. THE CHOICE IS YOURS!

WWWWWWWWWWWWRONG. But yes, Malcolm, you are looking for someone of the Thespian profession. The silvercreen is not unknown to her ilk. Here's a bit more of her.

YEAHHHHH.......NO!

No that is not Kate's bush.

You need something as large as a postcard Foxy?

If I started dating the coloured actress in the film GHOST would I be making Whoopie?

Congrats Malcolm - I guess we can put away our scarlet cloaks for a while.

Well done Malcolm & Foxy, it is indeed Al Pacino. But the female.....No, nay, never.....try agin you jayhawkers. (PS. did Al Pacino ever play Leonard Cohen, and if not why not, he looks like him. I vaguely recall Dustin Hoffman playing him!)

Okay you pesky varmints, here's a new one... THE EYES HAVE IT

You haven't done that one yet?

Bedlington's Thermopylae! "Go tell the Spartans, thou that passeth by, that here, obedient to their laws we lie."

With a 20:1 ratio...........now that's a fight! A fight, Malcolm!, that's a minor skirmish to a Geordie, especially Bedlington lads. Wake me up when the odds get higher.

Okay, Keith and Mercuryg here is you much waited for prize. You will be representing Great Britain in the Alaskan Annual Wrestling Gala – AAWG. There you will be part of a tag team pitted against two of the local wrestlers. I have posted photos of your opponents who are eager to eat you….meet you. The photos were sent by their promoter – Honest John, who said they were taken during a fancy dress contest at Juneau. They look a bit rough and ready but my money is on you lads, I mean, come on, two Geordies against a couple of wusses in bear suits…no contests. Now lads, I want a clean fight, no kicking, no gouging no biting…well there's leeway on the last one…The bouts last fifteen minutes each… or until the losing side is digested….defeated. The gala is sponsored by the Alasakan Recreational Summer Events Department (ARSED) who have confirmed the festival will run until they run out of opponents. So do your best, Keith and Merc' and get your fifteen minutes of fame, it may be your last…er moment of glory.