keith lockey

You haven't done that one yet?

Bedlington's Thermopylae! "Go tell the Spartans, thou that passeth by, that here, obedient to their laws we lie."

With a 20:1 ratio...........now that's a fight! A fight, Malcolm!, that's a minor skirmish to a Geordie, especially Bedlington lads. Wake me up when the odds get higher.

Okay, Keith and Mercuryg here is you much waited for prize. You will be representing Great Britain in the Alaskan Annual Wrestling Gala – AAWG. There you will be part of a tag team pitted against two of the local wrestlers. I have posted photos of your opponents who are eager to eat you….meet you. The photos were sent by their promoter – Honest John, who said they were taken during a fancy dress contest at Juneau. They look a bit rough and ready but my money is on you lads, I mean, come on, two Geordies against a couple of wusses in bear suits…no contests. Now lads, I want a clean fight, no kicking, no gouging no biting…well there's leeway on the last one…The bouts last fifteen minutes each… or until the losing side is digested….defeated. The gala is sponsored by the Alasakan Recreational Summer Events Department (ARSED) who have confirmed the festival will run until they run out of opponents. So do your best, Keith and Merc' and get your fifteen minutes of fame, it may be your last…er moment of glory.

That's the last one Merc'. Well done. In fact well done to everyone. Thought I'd try something new and you all came through. Since Mercuryg and Keith seem to be the main answerers!!!! I think they should get a joint prize. This will be posted as soon as I do a risk assessment lads. Better get your hard hats out - watch this space. and to all you other critters there's more cunning connections to come - another new theme, me thinks.

Cheers, Adam, I knew Sara - mainly cos she stuck a pool cue up my nose once!!!! I was chalking it and she jumped on my back. My head went down and the cue went straight up my nostril! Happy days.

You all seem to be struggling with number 2 so a'll give ya a clue. The artist has been mentioned in one of my prior connections.

That's right Merc', well spotted, the third is definitely The Eagles. BUT WAS IS NUMBER TWO?

Spot on with the first one, Keith, but way off with the other two. I can tell you they are VERY best selling albums. First one -

Okay you varmints - lets try you with something different Three 'snippets' from album covers - what are they?

You mean they had a blue tit swinging on a perch in a cage!!! Aw, isn't that nice.

Would that be Adam Hogg, a fellow mod, or Russell his old man? Either way not a very edifying thought. I knew old Alan (big Alan and his son...er...Alan. Also Veda and Sarah. All from the Northumberland Arms when I was young and good looking and had hair. (Stop laughing.) Russell was a big bloke who used to drink in the Sun. Am I correct?

The bar is free at the colonoscopy centre, Keithy weethy, and they reckon it's the happiest bar around, well at least they say it's gay and the waiters offer to push your stools in. Mind you they mustn't have a cleaning lady because there's all these pound coins lying on the floor. I went once but I thought it was rough; some bloke in leather pants and jacket said he was going to fist me. I thought WHOA, I don't want any trouble so I asked the manager if he had a back door and......

LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY MALCOLM ROBINSON Your truly outstanding prize this time is…wait for it…wait for it…the Dead Man Walking grand tour of death-row prisons in the U S of A. You will get to meet such luminaries as Carl the Cannibal, Hatchet Hank, Chainsaw Chuck and Ray the Razor. You will have tea and scones with them and lunch….er not Carl the Cannibal though, and as an added bonus we will throw in an overnight stay with one of the inmates. (See attached picture) His name is Hogg Hutchinson and he used to strangle his victims with a link of pork sausage until he became a Jewish vegetarian. Then he began beating his victims to death with a can of soya beans – but only on Yom Kippur. You can spend an intimate evening with Hogg – or Henrietta, as he likes to be called on Friday nights when he dresses up. You can discuss Shakespeare's sonnets or contemplate the virtues of the Victorian love poems whilst listening to his Liberace CD's; If you are lucky he might even show you his collection of lace doilies that he makes himself in the art and crafts classes. Oh lucky you, I bet you just can't wait to pack your overnighter. And as a special bonus, Malcolm, you can hold Hogg's hand when it's his turn for the chair. Until next time, Amigos, adios.

Do you know what kind of day I've put in Malcolm Robinson? Our street and house lights went off AGAIN! The workmen came to channel my walls (no innuendo) and put new sockets in but they couldn't start because there was no power. I got mauled by my moggies when I tried to take them to my neighbours to sanctuary. The bus broke down at Gosforth. I met my friend Maria in the toon for coffee and our favourite coffee shop was full. Then she dragged me around Fenwicks until I was dizzy. We got rained on when we went to the Laing - which is getting worse everytime I go there. We came out of the Laing and got attacked by American Indians from Byker (or was that biker Indians from America?) Then a Tyrannosaus saw us and chased us down John Dobson Street and just as we were about to be gobbled up some aliens in a spaceship abducted us and turned me into a Ladyboy from Bangcock. I eventually got home to a house that looks like a bombsite and just when I thought I could set a nice little connection and put my feet up that Malcolm Bl..dy Robinson gets THE CORRECT answer before it is hot off the press. Well if you want your prize you'll have to wait cos I'm having a hissy fit - though now I'm a ladyboy I suppose that should be sissy fit. Look what you've done now, my mascara is running.

Okay, varmints, roll yor eyeballs over these critters.

YEEHAH Enjoy your prize!!!

Keith, not unless you get Johnny Mathis right. You got all the other days correct but which day is missing. Here is a clue.

I know Keith well, he's a good chap. I was on the receiving end of a lot of anti-social behavior a few years ago. Keith was one of the team who helped.

DEAR KEITH Knowing that you are a keen advocate of scientific advancement, especially in the medical field, I have booked you into the Southland Academic Development Organisation (SADO) who have been funded by the government to develop new and painless ways to explore Upper and Lower Bowel problems. The Academy has its own medical unit – the Colonoscopy Research Advancement Department (CRAP) who are keen to enlist volunteers to try their new, innovative methods. Therefore I have booked you in for their research studies this coming term. This tortur…treatment…will include a full, in-depth colonoscopy every day in one of their state-of-the-art dunge….private wards. You will have the pleasure of having an enema everyday and a sigmoidoscopy at least every other day. The team assure me their fibre optic endoscopic cameras come in a range of three sizes…Small, Medium and There Goes My Rectum. All instruments are approved to the KYAG standard. (Kiss Your Ass Goodbye) I have included photographs of the facility and staff at SADO. The team is led by the ground-breaking doctor B.L. Zeebub, who was trained at MDS (Marque de Sade) medical academy, where he led the S.A.D.D Unit. (Speculum & Anal Drilling Department) The team are looking forward to the explorative treatment they will be subjecting…carrying out on you and I hope you have a rewarding time.

Am a'ready for ya, ya varmints. So ya sussed me out, ya dirty dry gulchers; hornswogglers the lot of ya. Well done Keith; you got it right EXCEPT for one song - Johnny Mathis. So let's see which one of you bushwhackers gets that one. PS - sorry for the delay, but like I said I've got the builders in - no euphanism, Malcolm, though I will be getting my back passage emulsioned....ooh matron. They have been putting my new radiators in today and they start my rewiring tomorrow!!!! So Keith, be prepared for your prize - it follows shortly, and you'll think Christmas has come early. Watch this space.

Okay you varmints, here's your next one. You have 7 days to answer it.

It's on his Diamond Dogs album (My personal favourite) Apparently he was trying to develop Orwell's 1984 into a stage musical. if I remember correctly. Most of the songs on the album have this dark, Orwellian undertone. Don't worry I have others lined up in my cornucopia of connections. The thing is, varmints, I have the workmen here for the next month and the house is a bomb-site. So my forays onto this site might be sporadic. So if I put another connection up, and I don't reply to your answer promptly, it's because I can't get on my computer. So adios amigos, until our paths cross again. Come on Yosemite, it's time to feed the cats an' get my vittles.

A WINNER WELL DONE MERCURYG - YOU FINALLY GOT THERE. THEY HAVE ALL HAD HITS WITH A BOOK TITLE SONG. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte) Kate Bush Islands in the Stream (Ernest Hemmingway) Kenny & Dolly 1984 (George Orwell) David Bowie Born Free (Joy Adamson) From Russia With Love (Ian Fleming) Matt Munro What a prize I have for you, Merc'. You will accompany Gordon Brown on his Devil in Disguise Tour of Great Britain. You will get up on stage every night for 18 weeks and sing duets with the former Prime Minister (Do I hear laughter?) warbling along to such Elvis Presley hits as A Fool Such as I, and Wooden Heart, two of Gordo's personal favourites, so I hear. You will croon to other such beloved melodies like I Just Can't Help Believin' and It's Now or Never – both reminders of the national election, and last but not least Way Down – a reference to his position in the polls on that fateful election night. I also hear he has requested Mack the Knife from the Threepenny Opera – the Threepenny bit referring to what he left everyone after the banking crises, to which he contributed, and he will duet with Gillian Duffy on Always on my Mind. The concert will climax with Gordon's rendition of The Great Pretender. Oh what fun, fun, fun it will be, Shiny Happy People all around. The concerts are sold out I hear…and so are the sales in rotten eggs and tomatoes! So enjoy your 18 week tour and don't get egg on your face!

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