keith lockey

DEAR WINNER - WHAT A PRIZE I HAVE FOR YOU!! You wont be able to thank me enough for this outstanding offer, Pete. As part of Shark Appreciation Week I have booked you in for a shark week special down under. You will be staying at the prestigious Jaws Hotel at Shark Bay, Western Australia. There you will take part in such mind-blowing activities such as Kayaking With Sharks; Shark Juggling and culminating in the grand finale – Shark Rodeo. SEE ENCLOSED PHOTOS. The prize is part of our Activity Sensation Seeker Holidays (ASSHOL) and all you need take is your cossie, blood type and a last will and testament. (We supply the book of prayers and a copy of Prosthetics Weekly.) Here are comments from two of our previous winners… "I've never had so much fun since I had my arm bitten of by a Salty.” One-armed Mick Mackinley "I would do the whole thing again, if only I had my legs back.” Stu 'Stumpy' Stevenson. I can just see you packing your bags right now, Pete. The best thing is it is free, so it won't cost you an arm and a leg....then again!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! THAT DARN PESKY PETE HAS DONE ME IN AGIN. That's right Pete, they have all had their heads shaved for films. Sigourney Weaver.........Aliens 3 John Travolta..................From Paris With Love? Jeff Bridges.....................Iron Man Persis Khambatta...........Star Trek (The Movie) Kevin Spacey..................Superman Returns Natalie Portman..............V For Vendetta YOUR PRIZE FOLLOWS - YOU VARMINT

I was at a fancy-dress party last night when this bloke walked in. He was wearing a crucifix on his back, a crucifix on his head, two crucifixes on his chest and his arms and legs were covered in tiny crucifixes. I said "What have you come as?" He said "A cross dresser."

It's that big sub-continent south of Spain - across the Med'. It's got jungles full of snakes and crocodiles and is the home to Tarzan of the Apes. Does that answer your question Keithy.

I was listening to some kid playing guitar outside Fenwick's window yesterday. People were stopping and staring in amazement. Jeff Beck and Eric Clapton walked by and I saw them smashing their axes down John Dobson Street. This kid was awesome. So young, so good. "You know It makes you want to cry."

I believe it's true about fining parents. I know a friend of mine was having trouble with one of her daughters - bullying at school - and the kid was reluctant to go. She was told she would be fined. But I don't know the exact details of the school-government system.

Malcolm's right, Vic - my ex wives....er....fantasy world again, stop it Keith. But who is the other mystery woman? If you get her you might just get a vital clue to the connection.

http://uk.news.yahoo...-001751492.html Man dies after eating live bugs!!! No sh***t Sherlock! I mean come on now; you cannot be serious about what the cause of death might be. Only in America!!!

Vic, can't really give you ALL their names because one of the women might give it away. So I'll comprimise. The three men are... Kevin Spacey, John Travolta & Jeff Bridges.

THE STRAIGHT -JACKETS OFF YOU HORNSWOGGLIN' VARMINTS NOW TRY THESE PICS YOU DRY-GULCHERS

HERE IS YOUR PRIZE, PETE. THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT HAVE DECIDED THE TERRACOTTA WARRIORS ARE A BIT DRAB. SO THEY WANT SOMEONE TO PAINT THEM IN LIFE-LIKE COLOURS. YEP, YOU HAVE GOT THE CONTRACT - IT SHOULDN'T TAKE MORE THAN TEN YEARS. BETTER GET USED TO EATING RICE..

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! Darn and blast that Pete Yep, they all played Dr. Fu Manchu.

OKAY VARMINTS - HERE'S ANOTHER. AND NO HORNSWOGGLIN'

PETE – YOUR PRIZE HAS COME THROUGH Well actually it is more in the way of a quest. In keeping with the Viking theme I have decided to send you on a quest to save the world from Ragnarok – (The Doom of the Gods, or Twilight of the Gods) That's Biting the Dust to Yosemite Sam Now three things can save the world from this Gotterdammerung. You must sally forth from the Hall of Valhalla and procure a frozen turd from one of the Frost Giants sleeping in a cave north of Reykjavik. (Actually, Pete, try ebay) Your second quest is to buy a loaf of Kingsmill bread and toast it on the fire god Surtr's flatulence; you will then spread a thin layer of peanut butter onto said toast and proceed to your final quest to save the world from the Doom of the Gods. For your third quest is to scour the land and find an honest politician who will eat the flatulated bread… Er, I tell you what, Pete, just stay at home and build a bunker. "We're doomed, doomed.”

DARN AND TARNATION, PETE, YOU DONE HORNSWOGGLED ME. YAH SPOILT MA FUN. THEY ALL PLAYED VIKINGS IN FILMS. Kirk Douglas..........The Vikings Richard Widmark...The Longships Lee Majors.............The Norseman Tim Robbins...........Erik the Viking I'll be posting your prize shortly, you hornswoggler.

HERE THEY ARE.

So is my granda. RIGHT, YOU VARMINTS, PREPARE FOR YOU NEXT BATCH - COMING TO CINEMAS NEAR YOU.

Hoi, Keith! That's the future Mrs Lockey you're on about. Or at least it was. I mean I know she was good down under, nudge nudge wink wink, but you don't have to rub my nose in it. Just wait until I see Danni tonight, she's bringing my ironing round. I hope she put a big crease in my Y-fronts.

Not in my fantasies. They are totally livable with. They wear what I want them to wear; do as I tell them to; pander to my every whims and...what's that nurse, time for my medication! "Temazepam? Wasn't he Lord of the Jungle?"

I used to play one of those, a six-sting euphemism. Then I got a four-string innuendo. What's that, Kylie, you want to come back to me. On your bike, you had your chance, and you can stop that wailing.

I took that photo, Malcolm, when I took her for a romantic weekend break to Cambois. I took this one as well, you might as well have it now that she's seeing that other Keith. What she sees in him.... Mind you, i want my lingerie back.

Kylie!!!! My Kylie!!! My fluffybumps sugarlips with you at the Station Club. She said she was stopping in to dig her leek trench. Well that's it, the strumpet, I'm washing my hands of her. No more trips to the Waterloo in Blyth; No more kissing and canoodling in Bubbles (The Cellar) in Asherton. I was going to take her to Poundland today as well. Anybody got Myleene's number?

Oh Canny Lass, if only, you had said what you were going to say. You could have been in for the prize of the century. (Before Nibiru obliterates us all.) I had arranged for the winner to stay on Richard Branson's island with the partner of their dreams. I've had to phone, Richie up this morning and tell them to give the fortnight to the Cleggs instead. What a shame. Malcolm - you and Pete came so close. But not to worry, there will be another one posted sometime today, once I get my furniture removed for the workmen coming. It's like a building site around here....wait a moment, why didn't I take that holiday Richie offered. Quick, before he phones the Cleggs. Kylie!!!! Where's Kylies phone number. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Pete & Malcolm - you were both that close. Yes, prisoner films. But the three people posted were... WARDENS IN ALCATRAZ FILMS Karl Malden................The Birdman of Alcatraz Patrick McGoohan.....Escape from Alcatraz Gary Oldman...............Murder in the First

YOU VARMINTS QUITTIN'? YOU'VE GOT 'TIL 10 PM OR ELSE I SPILL THE BEANS.