Hamburger Pimp

Why don't you go and live somewhere else, then?

"One People, One Empire, One Leader"?

A couple of animal-based joke funnies for you: Q. What is a dog's favourite stop on a Monopoly board? A. Marrowbone Street Station!!!!!!!!11!!!BITEME!!!!!!!1!!!! Q. What kind of lizard tells blue jokes and can change colour to blend in with its surroundings? A. A stand-up chameleon!!!!!11!!!!!TAKEMYWIFE!!!!11!!!!!!!! Laters, skaters.

"We're underdeveloped, we're ignorant, we're stupid, but we're happy."

"Business as usual"

Attention Monsta: Meet hot racist chicks in your area The last one is from Ashington! A little joke funny for y'all: Q. What sort of tights do BNP lasses wear? A. Holocaust deniers!!!!!!11!!!!!C18!!!!!!!!

Headline generator powered by "3G" technology?

Anybody else wishing they worked with Malcolm? It would be laughter all day long, yes?

The difference between Jackson and Glitter being that Jackson was acquitted of all charges at his trial. Maybe you prefer the "court of public opinion" to the verdict of a court of law, despite your much-vaunted reading of The Guardian.

Any would-be gardeners who wish to experience the white-knuckle excitement of cutting my overgrown lawns would be very welcome.

I forgot the big Northumberland ones. Primal Scream, Cud and The Pastels at Blyth Sports Centre in about 1989. The real jewel in the crown, though, was seeing JX at The Palace in Bedlington Station. A legendary night.

That would have been the lovely Shonen Knife. I saw them at The Riverside, b. in the d. My first gig? Loony leftie singer songwriter Billy Bragg at the City Hall in 1988. Other concerts of note: Ramones at the Mayfair in 1989 and Manchester Academy in 1993 Suede at the Mayfair in 1993 Pulp at the University in 1995 Oasis at Loch Lomond in 1996. People still pay fifty quid to see them when they haven't been any good since the mid 90s? Unbelievable, Jeff! Madness at Finsbury Park in 1998 Fatboy Slim at the University in 1998 and 2004 Prince Buster at the Poly in 2006 Belle and Sebastian at the Academy in 2006 The Go! Team at the University in 2007 Jens Lekman at the Cluny in 2008 In summary, gigs.

Big news from "Booze Hole" or whatever the off license next to the restaurant is called this week. "We now sell ice lollies and ice". What times to be alive, people. What T. to be A.

In the spirit of McIntyre Undercover style investigative journalism, I visited this so-called Market Tavern last night. I have to say that Splodge is bliddy right in what he says. I had only been there a matter of minutes when the landlady was asking me for money. Admittedly, it was money to pay for the pint of lager and vodka'n'coke I had ordered, but you see my point, yes? Also spotted from this august forum; Ms Hair and the divine BarLassofBedlington.

Q. What is a Gurkah's favourite subject at school? A. Kukri!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!LUMLEY!!!!1!!!!

Returning to the res for one moment, it appears I have misled you all. The scranatorium in question is, in fact, called "Munchie Moos". This country.

"First they came for the bigoted illiterate mongs and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a bigoted illiterate mong. Then they came for the people who copy and paste tiresome American jokes and I didn't speak up because I didn't copy and paste tiresome American jokes. Next they came for the people who routinely invite people to Facebook groups about how "the PEEdoeS" should be killed. and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a mawkish Sun-reading vigilante. Finally they came for those who used abbreviations such as LOL, IMHO, PMSL and ROFLMAO at this point I bought "them" a pint."

A nationalist who can't spell "Britain"? Nice.

Here's another thing. What's the dillio with Wisky's/Wiskey's, eh? The shop it say "Wisky's", the van it say "Wiskey's". My theory is that the business is run by a Scot and an Irish person, each with their own views on how their venture should be spelled. A rum old do and no error.

A new name for Piggly Wigglies. This country.

Rats cocks!

Not for nothing, Mrsvic, but you appear to be turning into a blue-rinsed old biddy. You'll be bringing back the workhouse next.

What absolute hogwash. Young people today have every opportunity in the world open to them, the schools are brilliant compared to the way they were in the 80s and early 90s. It's never been easier to gain access to a University education. Graduates earn on average £250K more than non-graduates over their working life. If a British young person, with the advantage of residency, language and access to education, is having a job "stolen" from them by an immigrant it's because they are too stupid or lazy to get out and get that job. Laziness and ignorance are the enemy, not people from other countries.

Monday was fun, yes? The long-forgotten heady whiff of a crucial victory. Marvellous. If the Town can beat Fulham at the weekend, that should be that. If...

This government has done more for the Gurkhas than any other in 150 years.