Hamburger Pimp

You're not a regular visitor to the homepage of this very site then, Malcolm?

Cue a low-budget Bedlington version of "Whisky Galore".

Trophy goes on fire

Not something they'll have to worry about at St James Park any time soon.

What a tool.

Typical, isn't it? You wait all month for a predictions update, then two come at once. Sort it out, Gordon Browns and your NuLabour cohorts!

Anyhoo, May is upon us like a panther on a gazelle, so let's sink our teeth into the latest scores:

SuperMac 14 pts

Geddy2112 7

Hamburger Pimp 7

DavePa 7

TonyC 4

Deleted Account 1

Denzel 0

Pdean 0

To quote the great Sid Waddell, it couldn't get more exciting unless Elvis walked in and ordered a bag of chips.

Vote early, vote often, predictioneers!

Dusty in here, what? Somebody has been neglecting the dear old prediction league. For shame!

First up, the final standings in April.

TonyC 30 pts

Supermac 27

Hamburger Pimp 25

DavePa 23

Geddy2112 23

Deleted Account 22

Denzel 14

Pdean 0

Congratulations to TonyC on a close-fought victory. Messrs Pimp and Pa will be kicking themselves after failing to complete ten of the forty games on offer that might just have garnered enough points to win. Still, one has to be in it to it, eh?

Oinkment!

It's very kind of you to say so, Camille, but all I did was post a link to a Snopes page.

Didn't they recently spend a load of cash doing up the market area and putting down that nice paving that they've ripped up today?

Plans for communications database shelved

Jaqui Smith showing a new-found concern for personal privacy. Has something happened to her recently?

Happy birthday and that, Joe.

Disgraceful conduct. Very bad show.

A little summery music to take your mind off it

Today, our lovely postman delivered us a letter telling us that if our council tax isn't paid by Wednesday, it's off to court for myself and MrVic!!!!!!

I received a similar letter today, although without the reference to MrVic.

What a shower of incompetent knackers.

Nice shooting, Micky!

Here's a thing. That Norwich Union/Aviva advert, telling us how changing your name is ace and that.

For now, let us overlook the fact that NU/A are paying a bunch of megastars a vanload of cash for appearing in an advert while simultaneously making most of their UK workforce redundant. I'm not Ben Eltons, after all.

No, the thing that irks me is the bit where Ringo Starr, inside a car, with archive footage of rampant Beatlemania going on outside, asks "Would all of this have happened to Richard Starkey, eh?"

Now, I love Ringo, you love Ringo. Essentially, we all love Ringo. But, and like J-Lo, it's a big but, those screaming 1960s bobbysoxers weren't squealing up a storm over the drummer out of The Beatles, no matter how zany his new name. I'm fairly confident that most of it was down to the songwriting, singing, guitaring and boyish good looks of Messrs McCartney and Lennon. And this despite the fact they'd kept their original, prosaic names.

Ring Starr, hang your moptop head in shame.

To quote early 90s popsters Shampoo, "Uh oh, we're in trouble".

Failure to win tomorrow would see Newcastle being set adrift from the safety zone. Today was a Bad Day Indeed.

A very b d i.

What kind of cake?

A more hopeful example is America's reaction to eight years of war-mongering neo-conservatism and the optimism surrounding the election of Barack Obama.

Very frugally run place, The Percy.

A few years back there was a persistent problem with leaking wall-mounted urinals, with attendant puddle-age on the floor. Rather than throw good money in the direction of a plumbing professional, the chosen solution was to soak up the leaks with a flattened cardboard box.

Of course, cardboard doesn't grow on trees and so to preserve this helpful moisture absorber, the cardboard would be placed overnight on a radiator to dry out, ready to go back under the urinals next day.

True story.

A front-page splash, no less!

stalwart