Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Keith Scantlebury]

Went up to Boulmer today and just as I got there the RAF's new egg-shaped fighter planes took off.

"They've been scrambled." I thought.

As I was coming out I saw a guy with a door handle on his brow. "Knobhead."

Then I saw this bloke standing on the corner selling magazines. "I bet he's got issues."

Then Norman Tebbit stopped me and asked me to vote for him in the next election.

"On Your bike." I said.

Time for ya tablets marra

[keith lockey]

I went to Gateshead Athletics stadium yesterday and I saw all these mannequins practicsiing for the 100 metre dash. I asked the groundsman what was going on and he said "Dummy run."

I left there and went for my orienteering course. The instructions told me to go left, left and left again. I thought "This can't be right."

Then I went to Whitley Bay Ice Rink and the superintendent gave me a pair of worn boots with rusty blades. "Cheap skate." I thought.

Then I went to Gills chip shop at Seaton Sluice and asked for fish and chips twice. The girl behind the counter said "I heard you th first time."

[Keith Scantlebury]

I went to Gateshead Athletics stadium yesterday and I saw all these mannequins practicsiing for the 100 metre dash. I asked the groundsman what was going on and he said "Dummy run."

I left there and went for my orienteering course. The instructions told me to go left, left and left again. I thought "This can't be right."

Then I went to Whitley Bay Ice Rink and the superintendent gave me a pair of worn boots with rusty blades. "Cheap skate." I thought.

Then I went to Gills chip shop at Seaton Sluice and asked for fish and chips twice. The girl behind the counter said "I heard you th first time."

will the last one out of town please switch off the light Edited March 6, 2013 by keith

[keith lockey]

I was in Tino's Deli this morning and a Red Indian walked in with his father.

He said "What do you want, Dad?" And the father said "I'll have a mocha son."

I couldn't help notice them because one had long black hair with an image of George Michael on the left side and Andrew Ridgeley on the right. I said to the girlfriend "I bet that's a wig-wham.

They told us they had just gotten jobs at a factory in Cramlington - Thomas Tee pee.

I asked if they were moving to Bedlington and they said maybe, but they had reservations.

They were staying with their Irish uncle - Tom O'Hawk.

They both left and jumped on some ponies outside. One of the ponies suddenly bolted and started jumping over cars.

"Crazy Horse." I said.

[Adam Hogg]

I was in Tino's Deli this morning and a Red Indian walked in with his father.

He said "What do you want, Dad?" And the father said "I'll have a mocha son."

I couldn't help notice them because one had long black hair with an image of George Michael on the left side and Andrew Ridgeley on the right. I said to the girlfriend "I bet that's a wig-wham.

They told us they had just gotten jobs at a factory in Cramlington - Thomas Tee pee.

I asked if they were moving to Bedlington and they said maybe, but they had reservations.

They were staying with their Irish uncle - Tom O'Hawk.

They both left and jumped on some ponies outside. One of the ponies suddenly bolted and started jumping over cars.

"Crazy Horse." I said.

Was the Horse one escaping from the back of Tescos or Newbiggin?

[Keith Scantlebury]

Was the Horse one escaping from the back of Tescos or Newbiggin?

Adam !!!! dont encourage him, man, sheeeeeeeeeeeesh

[keith lockey]

I got home from the shops today and found I'd been burgled.

The thief took my kit kats, my penguins, my bourbons and custard creams.

"Doesn't that take the biscuit." I thought.

So I rushed upstairs to check on my Walt Disney figurines.

There was Goofy, there was Donald Duck, there was Pluto and Minnie...damn it, they've taken the Mickey.

So I checked my medicine cabinet and found my urine sample was missing...well that's just taking....advantage of the situation isn't it.

[keith lockey]

AUSTRALIAN ATHLETICS CONTEST

The Australian boomerang champion was hit by his own boomerang today. They reckon he had it coming to him.

At the same stadium water threatened the long jump - the contestants had to take a runny jump instead.

The Sydney gold-medallist archer is on target for another gold.

None of the javelins managed to stick in the ground. They were going to try again but couldn't see the point in it.

Dick Frosby made a come-back bid but flopped.

Samuel Morse entered the 100 metre dash dash dash dot dot dot.

Tell me when you're sick?

Edited March 9, 2013 by keith lockey

[Malcolm Robinson]

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7 miles, through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge

of a lake, pushed my way through brambles, got sand in my shoes and my eyes.

I avoided standing on a snake, climbed several rocky hills and took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered and at the end of it all I drank eight beers". Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "just a rubbish golfer".

[John Fox (foxy)]

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as

he was unable to get his "old chap standing to attention".

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the

base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and

there was nothing he could actually do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's

trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go

through life without sex was too much for him to bear.

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant,

the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took

her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner

he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of

being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly

and his "old chap" sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her

face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if

another bread roll will fit up my backside!'.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Two IRISHMEN were looking at a

Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.

One said to the other,

'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'

The second one replies,

'Yes, they are very beautiful.

And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes,

'Wow, they aren't very expensive.

At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back.

'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful

as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later,

the youngest IRISHMAN asks his pal,

'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered

from the catalogue?'

The second IRISHMAN replies......

'No, but it shouldn't be long now.

All her clothes arrived yesterday!!

[Adam Hogg]

An Admiral's Daughter finally persuades her Father to allow her to marry an Able Seaman. The Admiral is still worried about his decision some mouths later so he warns his Daughter, "Now, some of these sailors have strange desires. Whatever you do, Don't give in to any requests he might make to have sex... well... 'the other way'." "Really, Father!" replies his Daughter. "Our sex life is our business and for your information we are very happy." But her Father's remarks get her wondering, so later that night she says to her husband, "Do you ever feel like having sex 'the other way,' sweetie?" "WHAT?" yells her husband. "No way! Next Thing you know the house would be full of screaming kids."

[keith lockey]

I went to a comedy night at the local pub last night.

On stage was a beer keg telling jokes.

He was a barrel of laughs.

Next on was a ball of wool with some quick-fire one-liners.

He was a bundle of fun.

Then came a surgeon in full regalia of gown, mask and gloves.

He had everyone in stitches.

Next was a former boxer-turned-comedian.

Brilliant punchlines.

Then came a snowy owl with some anecdotes.

What a hoot.

He was followed by an onion with some witty remarks.

He had us in tears.

The climax was a cannister of nitrous oxide.

We couldn't stop laughing.

Edited March 25, 2013 by keith lockey

[Keith Scantlebury]

I went to a comedy night at the local pub last night.

On stage was a beer keg telling jokes.

He was a barrel of laughs.

Next on was a ball of wool with some quick-fire one-liners.

He was a bundle of fun.

Then came a surgeon in full regalia of gown, mask and gloves.

He had everyone in stitches.

Next was a former boxer-turned-comedian.

Brilliant punchlines.

Then came a snowy owl with some anecdotes.

What a hoot.

He was followed by an onion with some witty remarks.

He had us in tears.

The climax was a cannister of nitrous oxide.

We couldn't stop laughing.

Someone please shoot me, just put me out of my misery, paleeeaaasse

[Malcolm Robinson]

He's been at the Xmas crackers again Keith!

[keith lockey]

Hoi, you two, they're my very own. Genius at work! (Or is that Guinness?)

Edited March 25, 2013 by keith lockey

[Malcolm Robinson]

Make that the cooking sherry Keith!

[Brian Cross]

Where do you hide your stash Keef

[Adam Hogg]

A Husband and Wife are discussing their marriage. The Husband says, "When I get mad at you, you never fight. How do you control your anger?" "I clean the toilet," his Wife replies. "How does that help?" her hubby asks. "I use your toothbrush," she says.

[Dave]

A terrorist breaks into a pet shop and shouts " Everyone's got one minute to get out of here! "

A tortoise at the back shouts " You C**t! "

[Malcolm Robinson]

Teacher arrested at Airport.

[Malcolm Robinson]

A sad Easter story.

A fork lift truck driver at the Nestle chocolate factory over loaded his forks with too many pallets of white chocolate.

The weight caused the truck to topple onto the driver and crush him.

He tried to attract the attention of his colleagues by shouting " the milky bars are on me" but his work colleagues just cheered and carried on working.

[Orloff]

Malc, are you related to the Robinson printing empire?

[Malcolm Robinson]

No sorry Orloff

[Malcolm Robinson]