Brian Cross

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.' The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.' The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's !*!@# , he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

Good one had to be a woman !

The Dead Horse Theory The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses. 5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired. 7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse. 8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed. 9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance. 10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance. 11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses. 12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And, of course... 13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York. The son had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on Time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."!!!

They should publicly flog all vandals and put them in stocks in the market place for a weekend starting friday neet and concluding sunday neet ...............votes for and against please. and provide rotten fruit and veggies.

I am with you on this one Symptoms bring back the old Monsta.

Oh to be eight again! A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to "Adventure World†theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the ScreamingRoller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soft drink, and her favourite lollies, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Any chance of a pic if you pass by there one day Adam...............

god bless em eh Canny Lass

Same back too you 3G i'am sure

When i was a kid i worked for G S Straughan filling coal bags for delivery to homes in the area, the depot was located near New Hartley colliery, does any one remember the depot i am talking about and does anything remain of the colliery and surrounds or is it all levelled now ?

Sorry 3 G your new machine is not working {just like me) and i cant read any of this crap !!!

The Love Dress A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me" The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner? He never heard the gunshot.

I have got my mate who is an expert on ancient languages to work on it, shouldn't take more than a few weeks ..... :wtf:Not sure of who it is myself.

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple sex

Sounds good Colin wish i was there for the event.

Brilliant Malcolm i watched it twice

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance." - Cicero , 55 BC

yes the station next eh Keith ?

Make mine a Carling Mal...........

Welcome Alan hope you enjoy the forum as much as we do.

Could get interesting this one ..........

For me Gob Shut !!

Happy birthday Foxy have a good one

Does anyone use the chat room i often open it up but i have never found anyone in there ?